Scene: elementary school classroom. A student has just finished presenting an oral report. The class applauds her.
Teacher: That was very nice, Mindy. Okay. Jake, we’re ready to hear your report.
Jake is writing on a piece of paper.
Teacher: Jake?
Jake: Just a sec.
Teacher: Now, Jake.
Jake: Okay, okay, and… Finished. Does spelling and grammar count?
Teacher: It’s an oral report, Jake.
Jake: Oh, so it’s like an oral thermometer?
Teacher: Right.
Jake: Good thing it’s not a rectal report.
Teacher: Just read it.
Jake: Okay. “My weekend,” by Jake Harper. Grade five, Mrs. Flanigan’s class. Woodward Avenue Elementary School, located on Woodward Avenue.
Teacher: I’m not counting words.
Jake: Oh, good. My weekend starts on Friday, when my mom takes me to my dad’s house, which is actually my Uncle Charlie’s house, who is my dad’s brother, making him my uncle. His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my Uncle Charlie. Anyway…
Scene: Charlie’s place. Alan is opening the door. Jake narrates off-screen.
Jake: Even though my parents are divorced, they still get along pretty good.
Alan: Hey, buddy.
Jake: Hey, dad.
Alan: Hey, Judith. How was your week?
Judith: Just fine. [To Jake] Bye, honey!
Jake: Bye, mom.
Alan: Hey, thanks for bringing him by.
Judith: Oh, bite me, Alan. What the hell went on here last weekend?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Judith: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesar’s Palace and told me I had a nice rack.
Alan: Uh, well, Judith… You do…
Judith: That’s not the point! Where did he get the chip? Where is he learning this behavior?
Charlie appears.
Charlie: Hey, Judith. Looking good.
Alan (under his breath): Run away, run away…
Judith: Did you give my son a $25 chip?
Charlie: No, I did not give him a $25 chip.
Alan: Happy?
Charlie: He won it fair and square!
Alan (to Charlie): You couldn’t run away.
Judith: All right. I don’t care what you do during the week, but on the weekends you need to remember you are a role model for an 11-year-old boy.
Charlie: Oh, that’s a bad idea. Who thought of that?
Judith: I’m warning you, Alan, things had better change around here, or there will be serious consequences. Legal consequences. Got it?
Alan: Got it.
Judith: Goodbye.
Judith leaves and Alan closes the door.
Alan (mocking): There will be serious consequences. Legal consequences.
Charlie (mocking): I don’t care what you do during the week, but on the weekends you’re a role model.
Alan (same mocking voice): I enjoy talking this way.
Charlie (mocking voice): As do I.
Opening sequence.
Scene: Jake’s classroom.
Jake: Friday night I stayed up late. I watched all three Austin Powers movies with my dad. We ate Chinese food and buffalo wings. Dad fell asleep during The Spy Who Shagged Me, which in my opinion is the strongest of the trilogy. By the way, “shag” means “sex” in England.
Teacher: Just read, Jake.
Jake: That was a footnote.
Teacher: Read.
Jake. Okay. I woke up later that night with a stomachache, but felt better after I sat down and went to the bathroom… if you know what I mean.
Teacher: Jake…
Jake: What? It’s not like I said “I took a dump.”
Scene: Charlie’s place. Jake is walking into the kitchen. Jake narrates off-screen.
Jake: Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t. Probably because I was thirsty. So I went into the kitchen for what Uncle Charlie calls a “virgin screwdriver,” but really is just a glass of orange juice. It was late, so I decided to skip the glass.
Jake drinks juice and belches loudly. Charlie, who is making out with a woman on the couch, hears him.
Charlie: Jake?
Jake: Hang on.
Jake belches again.
Jake: Whoa, that one hurt a little.
Charlie: Whatcha doing?
Jake: Having a virgin screwdriver. Want some?
Charlie: No, thanks. I’m good.
Jake: What are you doing?
Charlie: Um… Watching TV.
Jake: Why isn’t it on?
Charlie: Because I’ve seen this one already. [Gets up and ushers Jake out] Hey, you wanna hear a funny joke?
Jake: Sure.
Charlie: Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice?
Jake: I don’t know, why?
Jake appears on screen again.
Jake: ‘Cause the carton said “concentrate.” [No one in the classroom laughs] That’s okay, I didn’t get it, either. The next morning, I was pretty hungry because… I think you all know why.
Scene: the den. Alan and Jake are sitting on the couch. Jake narrates off-screen.
Jake: So I had a bowl of cereal with my dad and we made plans for the day.
Alan: Wanna go to the museum?
Jake: No, I wanna watch TV.
Alan: It’s pretty windy out there. Wanna fly a kite?
Jake: No, I wanna watch TV.
Alan: Hiking?
Jake: TV.
The doorbell rings.
Alan: I’ll get it.
Jake: TV. [Narrating] We decided to watch TV.
Alan opens the door to an elegant, gray-haired man.
Alan: Hello.
Norman: Is your name Harper?
Alan: Yes!
Norman: Then this is for you!
Norman hits Alan with his cane.
Alan: Oh! Why’d you do that?
Norman: Why did you sleep with my wife?
Alan: Charlie?
Alan walks to Charlie’s room and knocks on the door.
Charlie: Busy!
Alan: I don’t care. Open the door.
Charlie opens the door.
Charlie: I’ve got company.
Alan: I know. And her husband’s downstairs.
Charlie: Really? [To woman] You’re married?
Woman: Yeah.
Charlie: I’m not in.
Alan: You have to come downstairs and deal with him.
Charlie: No, I don’t.
Alan: Yes, you do.
Charlie: I disagree.
Alan: It’s not up for debate; he knows you’re up here.
Charlie: Oh, man, I hate when this happens.
Alan: This happens a lot?
Charlie: Not a lot, but enough to be a drag.
Woman: Charlie! Are you coming back to bed?
Charlie: Yes.
Alan: “Yes?” No “yes.” There is an angry husband in your living room.
Charlie: How angry? Is he packing?
Alan: What?!
Charlie: Does his have a weapon?
Alan: He has a stick.
Charlie: Oh, that’s not good—I could lose an eye.
Alan: Charlie! Come on!
Charlie: Fine, I’ll wrap it up here. Give me twenty minutes.
Alan: Oh, no. I have a better idea: wrap it up now.
Charlie: Ten minutes?
Alan: Now!
Charlie (to woman): We got five minutes.
Scene: the living room. Jake narrates off-screen.
Jake: The weekend was going great, but then something really bad happened. [To Norman] Hey.
Norman: Hello.
Jake: Who are you?
Norman: I’m Norman.
Jake: I’m Jake. Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.
Jake leaves.
Jake (narrating): I couldn’t believe it.
Jake appears on screen again.
Jake: I lost my Game Boy.
Scene: Jake’s classroom.
Jake: I couldn’t find my Game Boy in the kitchen or the living room, so I checked my bedroom and even my bathroom. Because, as you may recall, I’d spent a lot of time in there the night before.
Scene: the living room. Alan walks down the stairs.
Alan: He’ll be right down.
Norman: Thank you.
Alan: Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Norman: Decaf. I’m already pretty enraged.
Alan: Well, uh, that’s certainly understandable. I have cookies, too.
Norman: I wouldn’t say no to a cookie.
Alan: Good. Come on in the kitchen. I always find a nice cookie can brighten up even the darkest day.
Norman: Yeah, well, this better be one hell of a cookie.
They walk into the kitchen.
Norman: It’s a nice house you got here.
Alan: Oh, thank you. Actually, it belongs to my… You live in the neighborhood?
Norman: Bel Air.
Alan: Oh? Oh, that’s nice, too.
Norman: Gated community, but the wife gets out anyway.
Alan: Chews through her leash, huh? Hey, let me get you that cookie.
Norman: You seem like a nice fella. I’m sorry I hit you with my stick.
Alan: Oh, that’s okay. I’m sorry my brother is… That’s okay. So… Women, huh? Can’t live with ‘em… That’s all I got.
Norman: You married?
Alan: Divorced.
Norman: She sleep around?
Alan: No, mostly just slept.
Norman: You’re lucky. There’s no pain greater than being betrayed by the woman you love. You know, these are really very tasty.
Alan: Aren’t they?
Berta arrives.
Berta: Morning.
Alan: Oh, speaking of tasty cookies, uh, Norman, this is Berta.
Norman: Hello.
Berta: What is this, a fix-up?
Alan: No, no, uh, n-nothing like that.
Berta: That’s good, ‘cause I’d probably kill him. Nothing personal, Cotton Top, I just kinda like it rough.
Alan: Have another cookie.
Norman: Thank you.
Berta: So, is anybody gonna tell me what’s going on?
Alan: Well, it’s—it’s a little complicated, um… Charlie…
Berta: Got it.
Alan: “Got it?” H-How could you get it?
Berta: There’s a Rolls-Royce in the driveway, and I found these [retrieves a pair of pantyhose from her bag] hanging on the mailbox, so I’m guessing that your brother’s got some bimbo upstairs, and Norman here is her daddy or her sugar daddy. [To Norman] Tell me I’m wrong.
Norman: I’m the husband.
Berta: Judges?
Norman: You gotta give it to her.
Berta: Yes! [To Norman] I mean, tough break.
Norman: Thank you.
Berta: You got a gun?
Norman: No!
Berta: Want one?
Alan: Berta!
Berta: I’m making small talk.
Charlie walks in.
Charlie: Okay… Do you want to talk this out like gentlemen or… [Norman turns around] Oh. You might’ve mentioned he fought at the Alamo. No offense.
Norman: None taken.
Norman hits Charlie with his cane.
Charlie: Ow! Does that make us even?
Norman: You tell me.
Charlie: Okay, one more.
Norman hits him again.
Charlie: Ow!
Berta: How about that? He poked you, you poked…
Alan: Berta!
Berta: What? How often do you see that kind of symmetry in life?
Scene: Jake is walking up the stairs. Charlie’s lover is climbing down a trellis. He opens the window.
Jake: Hey.
Woman: Hello.
Jake: Were you just up in Uncle Charlie’s room?
Woman: Um, yeah.
Jake: Did you see my Game Boy?
Woman: No. Did you see my husband?
Jake: The old guy?
Woman: Yeah.
Jake: He’s in the kitchen.
Woman: Thanks.
She resumes her descent. Jake closes the window.
Jake: That’s weird. If I was a Game Boy, where would I be?
Scene: the kitchen.
Charlie: I am—I am—I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she’s firm enough, he’ll do her.
Charlie: I’m sorry, but isn’t there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I’m guessing you could use a good scrubbing.
Jake: Wait a minute. [Narrating] And suddenly I realized…
Scene: Jake’s classroom.
Jake: I might have left it in my mom’s car.
Scene: the living room. Jake is on the phone.
Jake: Hey, Mom, did I leave my Game Boy in your car? Well, can you go look? Can’t you just dry off and put on a robe? There’s another $25 chip in it for you.
Scene: the deck. Norman and Charlie are sitting.
Charlie: She wasn’t wearing a ring, and there was no mention of a husband.
Norman: Is that supposed to cheer me up?
Charlie: No, no, no, I just wanted you to know…
Norman: No, no—I get it. You’re a nice guy, and I married a skeevy tramp.
Charlie: No, no, no. I mean, yeah, I am a nice guy, but I’m sure Annette is a lovely woman.
Norman: Her name is Natalie.
Charlie: Really? You sure?
Norman: Yes, I’m sure!
Charlie: ‘Cause I’ve been yelling “Annette” all night.
Norman: Her name is Natalie.
Charlie: Well, then maybe this is all just a huge misunderstanding, and I’ve been upstairs doing someone else’s wife.
Norman: 5’6”, long brown hair, butterfly tattoo on her left hip.
Charlie: Left hip, huh? Well, hold on now, a lot of women have butterfly tattoos. But the one I slept with also had a little beauty mark in a certain intimate place…
Norman: I’m not here to claim a lost wallet.
Charlie: Okay, let’s just assume it’s her. Again, I am really sorry.
Norman: It’s my own fault anyway. I should have realized, back when I married her, a man my age couldn’t satisfy a woman that young.
Charlie: If it makes you feel any better, I couldn’t ring her bell either.
Norman: You’re kidding.
Charlie: You don’t know me, but there’s certain things I don’t kid about.
Norman: So it’s not just me? That’s a relief.
Charlie: Tell me about it. I was killing myself up there. So, anyway, are we okay?
Norman: You mean aside from the fact that you just rolled off my wife? Oh, yeah, we’re aces.
Charlie: Good. Thank you.
Norman: Can I give you a little advice, kid?
Charlie: Sure.
Norman: I was player once, like you.
Charlie: Do tell.
Norman: Does the name Tuesday Weld mean anything to you?
Charlie: No.
Norman: Joey Heatherton?
Charlie: No.
Norman: The immortal Miss Anne Francis? TV’s Honey West?
Charlie: Sorry.
Norman: Well, look ‘em up on your internet. They were all hot, and I nailed them.
Charlie: Really? Well, kudos.
Norman: But nothing lasts forever. There’s gonna come a time when you’ll wanna settle down. I only hope you don’t make the same mistake I did. I picked a young hottie ‘cause I figured I’d die in the sack with a smile on my face.
Charlie: That’s my retirement plan.
Norman: But it doesn’t work that way. What happens is… You get your heart broken, and you wind up having a coffee klatch with some putz who never heard of Honey West.
Charlie: Got it. Thanks for the advice.
Norman: Yeah, well, I’ll be getting home now. I’ve got lawyers to call, locks to change… Maybe I’ll stop off at the market, pick up some of those cookies.
Charlie: Here, take the box.
Norman: Oh, thanks. Looks like I’m the big winner around here today.
As Norman enters the living room, Evelyn opens the door.
Evelyn: Hello? Anybody home?
Norman: Hello.
Evelyn: Oh, hello. Who are you?
Norman: Norman.
Evelyn: Oh, hello, Norman. I’m Evelyn. Is that your magnificent Rolls-Royce out in the drive?
Norman: Why, yes it is.
Evelyn: You a friend of Charlie’s?
Norman: No, but my wife is.
Evelyn: Did my son… “polish” your trophy wife?
Norman nods “yes.”
Evelyn: Well, you seem like a very intelligent man. I assume you had an airtight prenup?
Norman: Bulletproof.
Evelyn: You know what, Norman? You look a lot like my fifth husband.
Norman: Really? How many times have you been married?
Evelyn: Four…
Norman: Cookie?
Scene: Jake’s classroom.
Jake: When Grandma came over, I thought things couldn’t get any worse. But instead of making me visit with her, she gave my dad money to take me, Uncle Charlie, and Berta to the movies. We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays a stupid guy. I had popcorn, nachos, and two jumbo red Slurpees. And, as you know, you don’t buy Slurpees, you rent them.
Scene: Charlie’s front porch. Alan, Jake, Charlie, and Berta are walking in.
Jake: Oh, hurry up, hurry up.
Charlie: Cool your jets.
Berta: And if you can’t cool ‘em, point the nozzle away from me.
Alan opens the door.
Alan: Oh, God! Mom!
Jake: What?!
Alan: Okay, we can’t go in there right now.
Jake: Why not?!
Alan: I can’t afford to send you to therapy for the rest of your life.
Charlie: What’s going on?
Alan whispers in his ear.
Charlie: Oh, God!
Berta: What? What? What? What? What? What?
Charlie whispers in her ear.
Berta: Good for Norman! That’s getting right back on the horse.
Jake: There’s a horse in there?
Alan: No, no, no horse, um…
Jake: Well, I still have to pee!
Charlie: So go water that bush over there.
Jake (narrating): And so I did. And it just goes to show…
Scene: Jake’s classroom. Jake takes his Game Boy out of his pocket.
Jake: It’s always in the last place you look.
Teacher: Very nice, Jake.
Jake: Then on Sunday, we all went out for breakfast with Grandma and Uncle Norman. I had chocolate chip pancakes with blueberry syrup and bacon. Dad had scrambled eggs, but no yolks, just the whites. They looked like mashed potatoes. Then the kid next to us threw up his waffles. It was awesome…
Scene: the kitchen. Alan, Jake, and Charlie are eating.
Alan: So, what’s new in school?
Jake: I almost got an “A” on my paper.
Alan: What do you mean, “almost?”
Jake: I got a “C.”
Alan: Oh. Okay, that’s, uh, that’s fine. That’s an improvement.
Jake: Minus.
Alan: Still, here’s your dollar.
Charlie: You’re paying him for a C-minus?
Alan: That was our deal—a buck for every “C,” a car for every “A.”
Charlie: A car?
Alan: Safest bet in the world. So, what was the report about?
Jake: What we did last weekend.
Charlie: No kidding.
Jake: Yeah. Guess what else happened? Trevor Griffin saw a ginormous rat in the cafeteria.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but about the paper… You wrote about everything that happened here last weekend?
Jake: Well, everything but the boring stuff.
Alan: Oh, this could be problematic.
Jake: No, it’s called “summarizing.”
Alan: Um… Can I see it?
Jake: Sure. But it’s at Mom’s house. I gave it to her to read this weekend.
Charlie: He’s 11. There’s no way it stands up in court.
Jake holds his Game Boy next to Alan’s nose.
Jake: Does this smell funny to you?
Credits.
