Scene: Charlie’s room. He is sleeping. Berta is standing next to him.
Berta: Charlie? Honey, wake up.
He opens his eyes.
Charlie: Good morning.
Berta: You lied to me, Charlie. You said it was just going to be the two of us.
Charlie: I didn’t lie, Berta. Things change.
Berta: Goodbye, Charlie.
Charlie: Don’t leave me, Berta. I love you!
He chases after her as she walks down the stairs.
Charlie: Can’t we talk about this?
Berta: Sorry, I do single men only. I’m in, I’m out, there are no complications.
Charlie: But I am single!
Alan walks into the living room.
Alan: Berta? I hate to bring this up again, but you just—you cannot put the peanut butter in the refrigerator. It gets hard. And, on a related subject, the peanut-butter stains on Jake’s shirts really require an enzyme presoak.
Berta: I hope you two will be very happy together.
Charlie: But who’s gonna take care of me? Who’s gonna do the laundry, the shopping, and the cleaning and all the other stuff?
Berta: Ask the Scrubbing Bubble there.
Berta leaves and closes the door. Jake enters the room.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?
Charlie: Why? It doesn’t matter, Jake. What matters is, she’s gone. And we’re all gonna die.
Opening sequence.
Scene: the kitchen. Charlie is staring at the coffee maker.
Charlie: She left before she made the coffee.
Alan: So? We’ll make our own coffee.
Charlie: How?
Alan turns on the coffee maker.
Charlie: So, now we just wait?
Alan: Yes. It takes a couple of minutes.
Charlie: Alan, this goes beyond coffee. Berta’s been with me forever. She does everything. She’s like a wife that leaves before you wake up, and doesn’t mind if you sleep around.
The microwave dings.
Charlie: Is that the coffee?
Jake: It’s my peanut butter. I made it soft.
Alan: Charlie, I’ve been figuring out a way to repay you for letting me and Jake stay here. Why don’t I take over the housework?
Charlie: Berta did the shopping, too.
Alan: I can do that.
Charlie: She did my laundry.
Alan: In her way, yes. But I can handle that, too. And look, I even made your coffee.
Alan pours Charlie a cup of coffee.
Charlie: Thank you. [Drinks the coffee] No. Uh-uh. Not as good as Berta’s.
Alan: It’s her coffee. I just pressed the button.
Charlie: Berta’s tasted, I don’t know… Christmassy.
Alan: What does that mean, “Christmassy?”
Charlie: It means “like Christmas.”
Alan: Now, you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer?
Charlie: I don’t know. It’s just that when you drank it, it felt like Christmas morning, and anything was possible.
Alan: Sweet’N Low? Half & Half? Mocha Mix?
Charlie: Oh, forget it. I’ll just read my paper. Uh-oh. Where’s my paper?
Alan: I don’t know. You might try looking by the front door.
Charlie: No. No. It’s usually right here, on the table.
Alan: Okay, so before you got up, Berta started the coffee and got you your paper?
Charlie: Well, I don’t know the mechanics of it, but yeah!
Alan: I’ll go get it.
Alan leaves. Jake has finished preparing his peanut butter and sets it on the table.
Charlie: He’s not off to a very good start.
Jake: Want a glass of peanut butter?
Scene: the living room. Charlie is reading the newspaper. He drinks Alan’s coffee but makes a look of disgust. Alan is sweeping the floor.
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: I can see you.
Alan: And I can see you, too.
Charlie: No, I mean, Berta never cleaned when I was in the room. She was, like, invisible.
Alan: I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more transparent.
Charlie: Appreciate it.
Alan leaves. Rose appears on the deck. As Charlie sees her, she tries hiding behind a plant.
Charlie: Oh, no. [To Rose] I see you!
Alan (off-scene): Oh, give me a break!
Charlie (to Alan): Not you, that girl that’s been stalking me.
Charlie opens the door.
Charlie: Rose?
Rose: Oh, there you are! What are you doing sneaking up on me like that?
Charlie: Rose, honey, we spent one night together, and it was very nice, but…
Rose: What is your favorite part?
Charlie: Gee, I’d have to say, finding out you live just two doors down.
Rose: Sometimes, it’s all I can do not to chew through that house in the middle.
Charlie: Yeah. But see, I’m not looking for a relationship right now. So, maybe you should find someone who can give you the attention you want—need—deserve—require…
Rose: Are you saying we should see other people?
Charlie: Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. You have so much love to give, and somewhere out there is a guy who… can take it.
Rose: Well, there is this one guy…
Charlie: He sounds perfect!
Charlie starts ushering her out.
Rose: His name is Andy. He works at Jamba Juice. He always gives me a free wheatgrass shooter and chuckles when I gag.
Charlie: Then ask him out.
He opens the door.
Rose: That seems kind of forward, don’t you think?
Charlie: No, come on, women ask guys out all the time. What they don’t do is handcuff themselves to the refrigerator, when he says it’s time to go home.
Rose: That’s where you and I went off the track, isn’t it?
Charlie: I’m the past. Andy’s the future. Bye-bye now. Good luck… [Closes the door] Andy.
Scene: Charlie is playing the piano. He stops halfway through a song and smells the piano cover.
Charlie: Alan? What did you do to my piano?
Alan enters the room.
Alan: Nothing, I just dusted.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I’m sitting here trying to write a jingle about a chocolate bar and my piano smells like lemons.
Alan: Gee, I’m sorry, Charlie, but they don’t make chocolate Pledge.
Charlie: Okay, maybe I’m not making myself clear. The rest of the house can smell like any fruit you want, but my piano needs to smell…
Alan: Piano-y.
Charlie: There you go.
Alan: Fine. I’ll get an unscented polish.
Charlie: Well, that’s not going to help me now, is it? Nope.
Alan: You know what, Charlie? You are a child. You’re a big, high-maintenance child.
Charlie: I am not a child.
Charlie starts walking away.
Alan: Where you going?
Charlie: Well, if I can’t write my chocolate song, I’m going to take a nap.
Scene: Charlie’s room. He is sleeping. Alan opens the door.
Alan: Charlie, you asleep? I’m doing a load of whites.
Charlie does not awake. Alan enters the room and starts collecting white pieces. He sees Charlie’s dirty white socks on Charlie’s feet and tries to remove them. Charlie rolls over and hits Alan in the face.
Alan: Jeez! Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Alan: You kicked me in your sleep.
Charlie: Who said I was asleep?
Alan storms out. Charlie follows him down the stairs.
Alan: I can’t do this anymore. You are impossible.
Charlie: Hey, don’t blame me. I tried to make it work.
Alan: Excuse me? Berta quit at 9 o’clock. It’s now 2:30. When did you try? Where was the trying?
Charlie: Hey! You’re the one who made Berta quit.
Alan: I didn’t make her quit. I simply raised the bar of quality housework and she insisted on limboing under it. But since you obviously can’t live without her, you big baby, I will go apologize and get her back.
Charlie: Great.
Alan: So, where does she live?
Charlie: I don’t know.
Alan: Okay. What’s her last name? [Charlie does not answer] Your entire life depends on this woman and you know nothing about her?
Charlie: Wait! She took a bus.
Alan: I stand corrected.
Charlie: Oh, oh! After she works here in the morning, she cleans some rock star’s house.
Alan: Okay, what rock star? Where?
Rose knocks on the deck door.
Rose: Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. 4456 Malibu Canyon Road.
Alan: Thank you. [To Charlie] Now listen, Judith is coming by at 5 to pick up Jake for dinner with her parents. Now, I should be back by then, but you need to make sure he’s dressed and ready to go.
Charlie: No problem.
Alan: No, it is a problem, Charlie. I’m trying desperately to reconcile with my wife, so I don’t want to tick her off. So, you telling me “it’s no problem” does not reassure me.
Charlie (raising his right leg): Here. Take my sock. I wanna show you a trick.
Alan: I’ll go get Berta. You make sure Jake is ready.
Alan opens the front door to Rose.
Rose: Hi.
Alan: Hello.
Rose: There are security cameras out front, so come up from the back, and bring some dog treats, in case the rottweilers are out.
Alan: Again, thank you.
Alan leaves.
Rose: I asked Andy out, and he said yes.
Charlie: Andy?
Rose: The guy you told me to ask out! I just don’t know what to wear. I love this one, but it still smells like pepper spray.
She starts walking upstairs.
Charlie: Where are you going?
Rose: To roll around naked on your bed. I’m just kidding. I’m gonna try on the dress, silly.
Charlie: But, but…
As Rose leaves, Jake walks in.
Jake: Is that lady your girlfriend?
Charlie: Nah, she’s just… It’s complicated. [He turns around to a filthy Jake] What the hell happened to you?
Jake: You know what else is complicated? Fractions.
Charlie: You got grease all over you. It’s in your hair, man.
Jake: Yeah. My bike chain broke. Can you fix it?
Charlie: Kid, I’m a piano player. What do you think? Look, your mom’s gonna be here soon to take you to dinner.
Jake: I know.
Charlie: So, how about a shower?
Jake: No, thank you.
Charlie: That wasn’t a question!
“I’m not strong enough. His will is greater than mine.”
Scene: Charlie is carrying Jake across the living room.
Charlie: Sorry, pal, but you need a shower.
Jake: But my bike’s still broken. I think you made it worse!
Charlie: What are you talking about? Now you got a unicycle. [Puts Jake down and he walks away] Get in the shower.
Rose appears.
Rose: I’m so worried he’s not gonna like me.
Charlie: He’s gonna love you, Rose. Just go out, have a great time, and don’t come on too strong.
Rose: Me, too strong? What do you mean?
Charlie: Okay, well, speaking from my own experience, there’s nothing wrong with asking a guy for a blood test, but actually trying to take the blood yourself is a little strong.
Rose: I see.
She starts making her way back up.
Charlie: Where you going now?
Rose: You got me thinking this dress comes on too strong. So, I’m going to put on something a little less “rawr” and a little more “ooh.”
Jake comes back from his room, still filthy.
Charlie: Jake, why aren’t you in the shower?
Jake: Oh, yeah.
Scene: Steven Tyler’s laundry room. Berta is folding a pair of very conspicuous pants. Alan knocks on the window.
Alan: Hi, Berta. It’s me, the Scrubbing Bubble. I came to apologize.
Berta: Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.
Alan: Come on, can’t we put aside our petty differences and find a way to work together out of a mutual love for Charlie?
Berta: Yeah, that’s why I do this. For love.
Alan: The thing is, I’m going through a really tough time right now. My marriage is collapsing, my business is slow, my little boy is being dragged back and forth from his mother’s house to Malibu.
Berta: My alcoholic husband ran off with my daughter’s parole officer, and I clean rich peoples’ toilets for a living.
Alan: Okay, let’s not make this a competition.
Scene: Jake’s room. Charlie knocks on the bathroom door.
Charlie: Jake, you’ve been in there for a while. How’s it going?
Jake (through the closed door): Good.
Charlie hears a rattling sound from inside and opens the door.
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Washing my bike chain. It’s real dirty.
Charlie: Forget about the chain. You gotta take a shower before your mother gets here!
Jake accidentally flushes down the chain.
Jake: We’re gonna need a new chain.
Scene: the living room. The phone rings. Rose, who has changed from her previous black dress to a red dress, picks it up.
Rose: Hello, Charlie’s house. May I help you? Oh, hi, Alan, it’s Rose. I got in. How’d you do? Oh, here he is. [To Charlie] It’s your brother.
Charlie: Thank you. [To Alan] How’s it going? Did you talk to Berta?
Alan: Yes, I’m here with her now. Is Jake ready?
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, we’re just applying the, uh, the finishing touches.
Out on the deck, behind Charlie, Jake is running around in his underwear.
Charlie: What about Berta?
Alan: The same. Finishing touches. She’s really a delight. Just make sure Jake is ready when Judith gets there.
Charlie: Relax, everything’s under control. [Sees Jake outside] I gotta go. [Hangs up]
Rose: So, you like this dress better?
Charlie: Hang on, Rose. The kid’s running around the deck in his underwear.
Rose: Oh, sure, but when I do it, you just ignore me.
Charlie opens the door.
Charlie: Jake, what are you doing?
Jake: Air drying.
Charlie: You still have grease in your hair. Didn’t you wash it?
Jake: You didn’t say to wash my hair.
Charlie: Wash your hair!
Jake: Okay.
Jake runs back in.
Rose: You didn’t tell him to rinse.
Charlie: Good, that’s good. Thank you. [To Jake] Jake, rinse!
Scene: Steven Tyler’s laundry room.
Alan: All right, so you won’t come back, will you at least tell me how you made the damn coffee “Christmassy?”
Berta: “Christmassy?”
Alan: Yeah, Charlie said your coffee tastes “Christmassy.”
Berta: Oh. Cinnamon.
Alan: I said cinnamon.
Berta lifts a hamper and motions back pain.
Alan: Oh. Lower back? You do a lot of lifting? Of course you do. You’re a maid, and I’m an ass.
Berta: I’m a housekeeper.
Alan: Of course.
Berta: And you’re an ass.
Alan: Yes. Hey, why don’t you sit down, let me take a look at it?
Berta: What?
Alan: I’m a chiropractor.
Berta: Okay. But no funny business.
Alan: Not to worry.
Scene: Jake’s room. His hair is washed. Charlie is tying him a knot.
Jake: Looks like you washed your hair instead of mine.
Charlie: I’m not in the mood, Jake.
Jake: These clothes look stupid.
Charlie: You’re 10. No one cares.
Jake: You’re choking me.
Charlie: Trust me, you’ll know when I’m choking you.
Jake: I think my socks are on the wrong feet.
Charlie: Jake, dude, I’m right on the edge. Don’t push me. [He takes the tie off Jake’s collar] I can’t do this on someone else.
Rose (off-scene): Charlie?
Charlie: You look great, Rose.
She enters the room.
Rose: I don’t think I can go through with this.
Charlie: What? No. Sure you can.
Rose: No, I’m gonna call Andy and cancel.
Charlie: No, you’re not. Now listen to me. You’re a wonderful woman, and this guy Andy is gonna love you.
Rose: Thanks, but you’re saying that just to get me out of your hair.
Charlie: No, not “just.” Now go out and have a great time.
Rose: But…
Charlie: Shh! No goodbyes. Just turn around and walk away.
Rose: Okay. Goodbye.
Charlie: Goodbye, Rose.
As Rose leaves and Charlie turns around, he sees Jake taking off his clothes.
Charlie: What happened?
Jake: I have to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: Why did you take your clothes off?
Jake: Sometimes I miss.
Charlie: Okay. That’s it. I give up. You are a child, Jake. Dress, don’t dress. Wash, don’t wash. I don’t care. You’re on your own.
Jake flushes the toilet.
Jake: What?
Scene: Steven Tyler’s laundry room. Alan is giving Berta a back adjustment.
Berta: Oh, God, that feels so good.
Steven: Hey, Berta! I can’t find my… [He opens the door] Berta, if you’re gonna do a guy in the laundry room, put a scarf on the doorknob or something.
Alan (to Tyler): I’m a big fan…
Scene: the living room. Charlie is sitting on the couch, Jake’s tie around his neck, drinking. Alan arrives.
Alan: Is Jake ready? Where’s Jake?
Charlie: I don’t know.
Alan: You don’t know? My wife just pulled in behind me. You said you’d have him ready.
Charlie: It can’t be done.
Alan: What do you mean, it can’t be done?
Charlie: I’m not strong enough. His will is greater than mine. I’m just gonna get drunk and stay out of his way.
Judith walks in.
Judith: Please tell me he’s ready. My parents are driving me nuts.
Alan: Uh, well, uh…
Jake appears, fully dressed and ready.
Jake: Hi, Mom.
Judith: Oh! Don’t you look handsome?
Jake: Uncle Charlie took my tie.
Judith: You don’t need a tie. [To Charlie] Grow up, Charlie.
Jake: Bye!
They leave.
Alan: I thought you said he beat you?
Charlie: He did. Now he’s just screwing with me. What happened with Berta?
Alan: Well, it wasn’t easy, but I did it. She won’t do my laundry or get my groceries, and I have to give her a lower back adjustment twice a week. And Steven Tyler thinks I’m doing her.
Charlie: But she is coming back?
Alan: Yes, Charlie, she is coming back.
Charlie: Right on.
Charlie weeps.
Alan: Are you crying?
Charlie: It’s been a very emotional day.
Alan: Here you go, buddy. Drink your vodka.
Scene: Charlie is playing the piano. Rose knocks on the glass door.
Charlie: You look great, Rose, I swear.
Rose: He stood me up.
Charlie: What? After we spent all day getting ready?
Charlie opens the door and Rose enters.
Rose: I don’t know what I did wrong.
Charlie: You didn’t do anything wrong.
Rose: Then why did he stand me up?
Charlie: Because he’s an idiot. He doesn’t get what a truly rare person you are.
Rose: Thanks. I wish Randy could see what you see.
Charlie: Forget about him. Come on, I’m going to take you to dinner.
Rose: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, sure, why not?
They walk toward the front door.
Charlie: I thought you said his name was Andy.
Rose: What did I say?
Charlie: You said Randy.
Rose: No, I didn’t. Andy’s a real guy. I didn’t make him up. I love your little tie.
Credits.
***
Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #110):
THE DREAM: I’m in a cemetery, attending a funeral. I’m not sure whose it is. My mother, who died a year ago, is there—alive but not well. We leave the funeral and I take her back to a place I used to live that is now unfurnished and cold. There is no food there. I leave her there anyway. I then find myself shopping in a supermarket while holding a baby swaddled in a blanket. The supermarket is run by young people. They play rock music too loudly for a supermarket and seem to be having a good time. I keep losing the baby, putting it down and forgetting where I put it. I select two items and go to the checkout stand where I’m told that one of the items, some sort of raisin bread, is very expensive. I tell the checkout girl I don’t want the raisin bread and then realize I’ve lost the baby again. Thankfully I find the baby but then decide I can’t leave my mother in an empty house. I hurry off to bring her back to where I now live, a comfortable home with all the amenities. MY ANALYSIS: The funeral is for my inauthentic self. The self that’s been conditioned by parents, culture and environment to survive by whatever means necessary. It is a frightened, angry thing which I’m just now realizing is not my true identity. My mother played a powerful role in its formation. I take her to a barren place because I have not been able to confront nor integrate her influence into my consciousness. The baby is my authentic self. The essential soul that exists before conditioning. I alone am responsible for that self’s well-being and am constantly abandoning it in favor of the illusory comfort of the false self. The supermarket is filled with food, music and youthful energy which symbolizes the wisdom, creativity and vitality which nurtures the soul. There is a high price to pay for these things. It is the price of freedom. I balk at paying that price. Finally, I retrieve my mother and bring her back to the nice house, which means I’m ready to bring her influence in my life up to a conscious level. CONCLUSION: My wakeful thinking is not drenched in metaphor, therefore the dream must have originated from some eternal source of compassionate wisdom, or, I shouldn’t read books about Jungian psychology before I go to sleep.
