S01E03 - Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

Scene: the living room. Charlie is composing a jingle set to Beethoven’s 5th Symphony.

Charlie (singing): If you’ve got bugs… If you’ve got ants… If you’ve got bugs and flies and slugs and things that crawl…

Alan, Jake, and Judith arrive. Alan opens the door. They’re carrying moving boxes and Jake is on a kick scooter.

Alan: We’re here!

Jake: Mom, come see my room!

Judith: I’ll be right there, honey!

Jake: Hey, uncle Charlie!

Charlie: Hi, shorty!

Jake scoots away. Alan returns to the car to get more boxes.

Judith: Hello, Charlie.

Charlie: Hi, Judith. What are you doing here?

Judith: If you must know, I’m here to help Jake set up his room, so he feels like nothing’s changed.

Charlie: Really? You don’t think he’ll notice that his dad’s living here and his mom’s dating chicks?

Judith: Could you say that a little louder? Jake might not have heard you. And just for the record, I’m not dating anyone, and I threw your brother out ‘cause he was sucking the life out of me.

Alan appears from behind her.

Alan: Could you say that a little louder?

Judith leaves and Jake returns from his room.

Jake: Uncle Charlie hasn’t met Porky yet!

Jake runs out.

Charlie: I don’t suppose that’s a Rubenesque 19-year-old girl?

Alan: Porky’s his pet guinea pig.

Charlie: You’re bringing vermin into my house?

Jake returns with his guinea pig.

Jake: Uncle Charlie, check him out! Isn’t he awesome?

Charlie: Yeah.

Jake: See those little black things? That’s his poop.

Charlie: Awesome.

Judith returns.

Judith: I don’t want him in the water this weekend. He might have an ear infection.

Jake: Oh, Mom.

Alan: No, it’s okay, pal. We can go to Disneyland. We’ll have a great weekend. We can—we can play miniature golf, we can go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.

Charlie: Alan, relax, you’re starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

Judith: Jake, why don’t you go put Porky in your room?

Jake: Okay.

Jake walks away.

Judith: Alan, I’m very concerned. He’s just a child. I don’t know if he can deal with this.

Charlie: Give your son some credit. He’s an incredible kid.

Judith: I was talking about you.

Charlie: That’s fair.

Alan: Yeah.

Opening sequence.

Scene: the living room. Alan is sitting by the computer, eating yogurt. Rose appears on the deck and waves at him. He waves back, rises slowly, and walks toward the piano.

Alan: Charlie? That strange lady from down the beach is back.

Charlie appears upstairs.

Charlie: Oh, yeah, she’s here to babysit.

Alan: Come again?

Charlie: I thought we’d go out and have a drink.

Alan: You want me to leave my son with the whack job who’s been stalking you since your one-night stand?

Charlie: Hey, you try and find a babysitter on a Friday night.

Rose: It’s okay, Alan. Charlie and I talked, and I understand that we’re just friends and that it is not okay for me to sneak into his house and lick all his silverware.

Alan: As reassuring as that sounds, we can’t go out tonight. We’re getting up early to go to Disneyland.

Charlie: “We?”

Alan: Yeah. I thought that maybe you’d want to come with us.

Charlie: Alan, I’m not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive fifty miles to see their kingdom?

Rose: I’ll go! I’ll go!

Charlie: Maybe some other time, Rose. And it turns out we’re not gonna need a babysitter tonight.

Rose: No problem. I’m gonna take this seat cushion, okay?

Charlie: Knock yourself out.

Alan: Why does she want your seat cushion?

Charlie: I don’t know why she brought it, I don’t know why she’s taking it. Okay, then, I’ll see you later.

Alan: Wait, you’re still going out?

Charlie: Yeah, why?

Alan: I thought you wanted us to spend some time together.

Charlie: Here?

Alan: Yeah.

Charlie: Okay.

They sit down and stare quietly at each other.

Charlie: What’re you thinking? 10, 15 minutes?

Alan: Go.

Charlie: Thanks.

Charlie runs out.

Scene: Charlie’s room. Charlie is sleeping. Jake is standing next to him, holding up Porky.

Jake (doing Porky’s voice): Good morning, uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Morning, Porky.

Jake (as Porky): Did you have sweet dreams?

Charlie: Jake, rule number one. Uncle Charlie does not like to start his day with a squealing creature in his face.

Jake (as Porky): Sorry. [Normal voice] Grandma’s here. She wants you to come down.

Charlie: Okay, you’re not listening. Rule number one…

Scene: the kitchen. Evelyn is browsing through a ring binder. Alan is making coffee.

Evelyn: This is a list of the top divorce attorneys in Los Angeles. I’ve made appointments for you with each of them.

Alan: I don’t need to meet any attorneys. I’m not getting a divorce.

Evelyn: I’m sure you don’t think so. The point is, if you consult with all the good lawyers, it’s a conflict of interest for them to represent Judith. She’ll be stuck with some ambulance-chasing clown from Van Nuys who will fold like an origami swan.

Alan: I don’t want this to be…

Evelyn: Mommy busted her hump on this, Alan.

Alan: Thank you?

Charlie enters.

Charlie: Morning.

Evelyn: Is that all you have to say for yourself? You haven’t returned any of my calls this week. It’s all I can do to not imagine you lying dead in a ditch somewhere.

Charlie: Right back at ya, Mom. What did you wanna talk about?

Evelyn: Too late. I’m not speaking to you.

Charlie: All right.

Evelyn: Would you like to know why?

Charlie: No, I trust your judgment.

Evelyn: Because when your brother’s marriage ended—yes, I know, Alan, blah, blah, blah—and he chose to move in here, your coldness towards your mother became more than just the behavior of an ungrateful son. It’s now an obstacle to my spending quality time with my beloved grandchild.

She grabs Jake, who is passing by, and hugs him affectionately.

Jake: Are you coming to Disneyland with us, Grandma?

Evelyn: Oh, darling, Grandma doesn’t do Anaheim.

Alan: Well, uh, we’d better hit the road. Try to beat the traffic. Thanks for dropping by, Mom. Let’s go, Jake. I’ll race you to the car.

Jake: Bye, Grandma. Bye, Uncle Charlie.

They run out.

Evelyn: Bye!

Evelyn and Charlie stare silently at each other. Charlie gets up after two seconds.

Charlie: Wait for me, I’m going!

Scene: a Los Angeles map and their ride from Malibu to Anaheim, along with a clock depicting the time they spent on the way over, at Disneyland, and on the way back. Next, Charlie, Jake, and Alan are entering the living room with Disney-themed hats. Alan also has an invisible dog on a leash.

Alan: Come on, boy, come on, boy. Heel, heel, heel. Stay. Now, stay. Oh, who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog? Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Hey, Jake, you wanna take him?

Jake takes the leash.

Jake: Whatever. Come on, leash.

Jake leaves.

Alan: Get ready for bed. I’ll be right in to tuck you in.

Charlie: Happiest place on earth, my Snow White ass.

Alan: I had a good time.

Charlie: Oh, really? Which part did you like best? The equatorial heat, the endless lines, or the large German woman that threw up on me in the Teacup?

Alan: Okay, okay. Maybe things could have gone smoother, but tomorrow’s gonna make up for it.

Charlie: Alan, you could get us all laid tomorrow, it’s not gonna make up for it.

Scene: the next morning in the kitchen. Alan and Charlie are making breakfast. Jake comes in.

Alan: Hey, sleepyhead. You’re just in time. Your pancakes are almost ready.

Jake: I’m not hungry.

Alan: Not hungry? Come on, you gotta fuel up that engine. We got a big day planned.

Jake: My ear hurts.

Alan: Oh, no. Let me feel. [Feels his forehead] Oh, yeah, you’re a little warm. Probably another ear infection. Um, okay, new plan. We’ll get you on the antibiotics, we’ll watch a little TV, play some video games. We’ll have a great day.

Jake: I wanna go home.

Alan: You are home.

Jake: I know, but the real one, with Mom.

Alan: Um… Okay, uh, I understand that. You know, when a guy’s feeling sick, he needs his mom. Right, Charlie?

Charlie: Well… I may not be the one to ask.

Alan: Okay, I’ll, call your mom and, tell her we’re on our way.

Alan leaves.

Charlie: All right, it’s just you and me now. Are you really sick, or are you just faking it to get out of another fun-filled afternoon?

Jake: I’m really sick.

Charlie: Just checking. Because I was gonna fake it.

“If you’ve got bugs… If you’ve got ants…”

Scene: the living room. Charlie is composing a jingle again, this time set to Beethoven’s 9th Symphony.

Charlie (singing): If your home is bug-infested filled with spiders, flies, or gnats, all our sprays are safety tested, we kill vermin, not your cats…

Alan arrives.

Alan: Hey. How’s the jingle coming?

Charlie: The lyrics are fine; the music needs a little work. How’s Jake?

Alan: Oh, he’ll be okay. I stayed over at the house a little while. We watched some movies, I made us some soup and a couple of sandwiches, and Judith suggested I take mine to go.

Charlie: “Suggested?”

Alan: Well, she started my car and threw my sandwich in the back seat.

Charlie: That’s rough.

Alan: Yeah…

Charlie: Listen, uh, I’m afraid I got some more bad news for you. [Motions to Porky]

Alan: Oh, no, I forgot to bring Porky back.

Charlie: See, that’s the thing. Nothing’s bringing Porky back.

Alan: What? Porky’s dead?

Charlie (mimicking Looney Tunes’ Porky Pig): “Buh-dee, buh-dee, buh-dee, that’s all folks!”

Alan: Oh, God. Oh, God. [Starts crying]

Charlie: It’s okay. We can—we can get Jake another guinea pig.

Alan: Jake will be fine. This is his fourth Porky in three years. He goes through ‘em faster than shoes. No, this is about my life. Everything is going to hell.

Charlie: Okay, well, don’t cry. We can still be friends.

Alan: What?

Charlie: I’m sorry. It’s the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here.

Alan: I am so sorry, Porky. You just kept running around in your little cage, trying to make everybody happy. And what do you get? You get dead.

Charlie: You do know the pig can’t hear you, right?

Alan (angrily): Don’t you get it? I am the pig!

Charlie: Okay, okay. I’m just asking because your reaction doesn’t seem very healthy to me.

Alan: And what do you think would be healthy, Charlie?

Charlie: I don’t know. Why don’t we toss Porky in the ocean and go get bombed?

Alan: Uh, how could you? How could you? Okay.

Scene: a bar. Alan and Charlie are drinking beer.

Alan: Toss him in the ocean. Very clever.

Charlie: Who knew pelicans eat guinea pigs?

A waitress rings a bell. All patrons bark and take a shot.

Alan: What’s happening?

Charlie: Sunday’s tequila night at Pavlov’s. Every time the bell rings, you gotta take a shot.

Alan: Why?

Charlie: ‘Cause the bell rings.

Alan: Oh. Okay.

Alan takes a shot glass.

Charlie: You gotta bark first.

Alan barks and takes a shot. Charlie orders more.

Alan: Charlie, when my son looked at me and told me that he wanted to go “home,” that broke my heart.

Charlie: I saw.

Alan: You know, my kid is sick, and I can’t even be with him. You know, I’m a failure, Charlie. I’m a failure as a father, I’m a failure as a husband.

Charlie: You didn’t fail. First of all, that little boy loves you. Second of all, just because your wife decides she doesn’t like sleeping with men, doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a husband. Well, I wouldn’t brag about it.

Alan: You’re right. You’re right. This is Judith’s fault. She’s the one who breached our marriage contract asunder. And I let her make decisions that should have been in my dominion.

Charlie: Alan, people are gonna do whatever they’re gonna do in this world. The only thing a man can control is his own actions.

The bell rings again. They bark and have another tequila shot.

Scene: Charlie and Alan enter a cab.

Charlie: I don’t remember where we left our car.

Alan: This isn’t our car?

Driver: Where to?

Alan and Charlie: Home.

Driver: And that would be?

Alan: Sherman Oaks.

Charlie: We don’t live in Sherman Oaks.

Alan: I do. I am a Sherman Oaksian, and I am going home for as to reclaim my home.

Charlie: Oh, that’s a very bad idea. I’ll tell you what’s a good idea. Chili cheese fries and a large root beer. With chili cheese fries. And girls.

Alan: No. I am going home to my wife to impose my dominion over her.

Charlie: Oh, yeah. The lesbians love that.

Alan: Driver! Sherman Oaks!

They appear on Judith’s street.

Driver: 1167 Bonnie Meadow Drive.

Alan: Goodbye, Charlie. I’ll be back for my things tomorrow. Thank you, driver. You’ve been most kind.

Alan exits the car.

Driver: So, back to Malibu?

Charlie: No, let’s give it a second. Did you know they put chocolate pudding in tubes now?

Driver: No. No, I did not.

Charlie: They do. My nephew eats them. They’re surprisingly good.

Driver: You know, that’s an interesting sibling dynamic you’ve got going with your brother there.

Charlie: You get that I’m loaded, right?

Alan enters the car again, shouting.

Alan: Drive! Drive! Drive!

They start driving away.

Charlie: So… How’d it go?

Alan: She chased me out of the house with a golf club.

Charlie: Huh. Taking up golf already. What was it like, a six-iron?

Alan: What difference does it make?

Charlie: I just wanna be able to tell the story accurately.

They laugh together.

Alan: It’s not funny.

Charlie: Then why are you laughing?

Alan: Because I don’t know what else to do. I wish I could ask Dad for advice.

Charlie: You’d go to Dad for marriage counseling? Alan, our father committed suicide to get away from our mother.

Alan: What’re you talking about? Dad didn’t commit suicide. He died of food poisoning.

Charlie: I maintain that he knew the fish was bad, but he kept eating it anyway.

Driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.

Charlie: Oh, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.

Alan: That’s right! And she made him so scared of intimacy that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.

Charlie: Damn her.

Driver: You know, many psychologists agree, until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.

Charlie: Just drive the cab, Doctor Phil.

Alan: You know what, Charlie? He’s not wrong. I mean, at some point, we have to stand up to her.

Charlie: Oh, well, look who’s got beer muscles all of a sudden.

Alan: No, I’m serious, I’m serious. Come on. Right now. Let’s confront her. Are you with me? Come on! Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! You really are afraid of Mom!

Charlie: I am not.

Alan: All these years, I thought you were so cool, but you’re just a big clucking chicken!

Driver; Ouch.

Charlie: “Ouch?” Okay, okay, that’s it. We have a new destination. Beverly Hills.

Driver: You got an address?

Charlie: Just go east on Sunset until you reach the gates of hell.

Alan: She’ll buzz us in.

Scene: Evelyn’s front porch.

Charlie: I can’t wait to see her face.

Alan: She’s gonna freak.

Charlie: You ready?

Alan: Ring the bell.

The bell rings. They instinctively bark.

Evelyn (through the intercom): Who is it?

Charlie: It’s your sons!

Alan: Charlie and Alan.

The security camera points at them.

Alan and Charlie (to the camera): Hi, Mom.

Evelyn (through the intercom): Oh, dear God. Hold on, I’ll be right there.

Alan: Okay, what exactly are we gonna say to her?

Charlie: Now you ask? This was your safari.

Alan: Well, we’re here to resolve the core maternal thing. Wait—ah! I’ll go ask the cabbie.

Charlie: Nice try.

Evelyn turns on the lights and opens the door.

Evelyn: Somebody better be dead.

Alan: Porky’s dead.

Charlie: And you completely screwed up our lives.

Evelyn: I’m sorry?

Charlie: That’s good enough for me.

Alan: Yeah, I’m good.

They run away.

Alan: Driver, drive!

Scene: Alan and Charlie are passed out on the deck, among several beer bottles. Rose is crouching next to Charlie.

Rose: Good morning, sunshine.

Charlie: Oh, God. Close the drapes.

Rose: Hey, what’s this? [Finds a document on the floor] “Release and indemnification form.”

Charlie: What?

Rose: Were you on some kind of television show last night?

Charlie: I don’t think so.

Rose: Well, you and your brother signed it.

Charlie: Let me see that. [Takes the document] Alan. Alan, wake up. We got a problem.

Alan (reading): “Taxicab Confessions?”

They are shown on the cab the night before.

Charlie (singing his jingle) If you’ve got bugs… If you’ve got ants… If you’ve got bugs and flies and slugs and things that crawl… Huh?

Driver: Ain’t that Beethoven?

Charlie shushes him.

Alan: I don’t even know how my wife is gonna be a lesbian. She hates oral sex. Hates it!

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #110):

THE DREAM: I’m in a cemetery, attending a funeral. I’m not sure whose it is. My mother, who died a year ago, is there—alive but not well. We leave the funeral and I take her back to a place I used to live that is now unfurnished and cold. There is no food there. I leave her there anyway. I then find myself shopping in a supermarket while holding a baby swaddled in a blanket. The supermarket is run by young people. They play rock music too loudly for a supermarket and seem to be having a good time. I keep losing the baby, putting it down and forgetting where I put it. I select two items and go to the checkout stand where I’m told that one of the items, some sort of raisin bread, is very expensive. I tell the checkout girl I don’t want the raisin bread and then realize I’ve lost the baby again. Thankfully I find the baby but then decide I can’t leave my mother in an empty house. I hurry off to bring her back to where I now live, a comfortable home with all the amenities. MY ANALYSIS: The funeral is for my inauthentic self. The self that’s been conditioned by parents, culture and environment to survive by whatever means necessary. It is a frightened, angry thing which I’m just now realizing is not my true identity. My mother played a powerful role in its formation. I take her to a barren place because I have not been able to confront nor integrate her influence into my consciousness. The baby is my authentic self. The essential soul that exists before conditioning. I alone am responsible for that self’s well-being and am constantly abandoning it in favor of the illusory comfort of the false self. The supermarket is filled with food, music and youthful energy which symbolizes the wisdom, creativity and vitality which nurtures the soul. There is a high price to pay for these things. It is the price of freedom. I balk at paying that price. Finally, I retrieve my mother and bring her back to the nice house, which means I’m ready to bring her influence in my life up to a conscious level. CONCLUSION: My wakeful thinking is not drenched in metaphor, therefore the dream must have originated from some eternal source of compassionate wisdom, or, I shouldn’t read books about Jungian psychology before I go to sleep.