S01E06 - Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

Scene: the den. Jake is watching TV. Alan is in the kitchen. Charlie comes in through the kitchen door carrying sports equipment.

Charlie: Hey.

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie.

Alan: How was your game?

Charlie: Meh. The musicians’ softball league is a joke. Guys trying to catch stuff that isn’t there. People throwing up on an easy double-play ball.

Alan: So why do you go?

Charlie: There is an open bar, and they let me pitch.

Alan: Well, I’ve gotta get dressed. I was gonna throw this toast out, but it’s yours if you want it.

Alan leaves.

Charlie: When did I become the family dog? [Charlie grabs a toast and sees a piece of paper on the kitchen table] Jake, what’s this, a phone message?

Jake: Yeah, some lady called for you.

Charlie: Who? I can’t read your writing.

Jake (reading): “You’re a big selfish jerk.”

Charlie: Okay, I know who this is. Amy. Probably Amy.

Jake: Yup, Amy. She wants you to call her back.

Charlie: Yeah, that’ll happen.

Jake: Why not?

Charlie: Because I never said I’d call her back. Remember this, Jake, never make promises to women that you don’t intend to keep. And you know how you do that?

Jake: Always keep my promises?

Charlie: That might work. A better way is, never make promises.

Jake: What happens if Amy calls again?

Charlie: Okay, I’m glad you asked that. When the phone rings in Uncle Charlie’s house, we don’t just willy-nilly pick up the receiver and answer it. No. What we do is, we check the caller ID, and only pick up if we wanna talk to that person.

Jake: Like Mom?

Charlie: That depends. Your mom, yes. My mom, no.

Jake: How come you don’t wanna talk to your mom?

Charlie: I’ll tell you all about that when you are old enough to drink.

Jake: What if I want to talk to your mom?

Charlie: Okay, that kind of attitude is gonna break down the whole system.

Opening sequence.

Scene: the house. Charlie is sitting out on the deck. Inside, the phone is ringing. Alan is coming in from the kitchen and takes the receiver. Jake runs from his room.

Jake: Dad, no! Don’t pick up the phone!

Alan: Why not?

Jake: It might be your mom. Or a woman. [Sees the number on the caller ID] It’s Amy again. She just won’t give up.

Alan: Charlie! [Opens the door to the deck] Look, I appreciate your need for privacy, but I think you’re sending a bad message to my son about how to deal with women.

Charlie: How so?

Alan: He thinks it’s okay to avoid somebody because the conversation might be uncomfortable. [Charlie does not interact with him] Charlie. Okay, that’s not funny.

Charlie: Look, if I am teaching the kid anything, it’s honesty.

Alan: Really? Walk me through the lesson, Charlie. Educate me.

Charlie: Okay. I tell women upfront I’m not looking for a long-term relationship. If they don’t believe me, or they’re determined to change my mind, I have a right to avoid that conversation. And the phone company obviously agrees with me; otherwise, they wouldn’t have invented caller ID.

Jake walks to the deck.

Jake: Uncle Charlie, what if somebody you don’t want to talk to comes over instead of calls?

Charlie: Just tell them I’m not here.

Jake (shouting): He’s not here, Grandma!

Scene: Charlie is following Evelyn into the kitchen. Alan and Jake follow them.

Charlie: Mom, you just surprised me. You should have called first.

Evelyn: Charlie, I call constantly. You screen like an Olympic drug tester.

Alan: I’m happy to see you, Mom.

Evelyn: I don’t believe you, sweetheart, but at least you care enough to lie.

Charlie: Hey, I care enough to lie. You just caught me off guard. So, what are you doing here?

Evelyn: Well, I’m showing a house up the beach, and I thought, while I’m in the neighborhood, I would drop off a gift for my grandson.

Alan: You’re writing him a check? What kind of gift is that?

Evelyn: You told me he likes transformer toys. This check transforms into any toy he wants.

Evelyn gives Jake a check.

Jake: Wow! Thanks, Grandma!

Evelyn: Is that all? Don’t I get a hug? [They hug] Your grandma loves you so, so, so much. [Looks at her watch] Oh! Grandma’s gotta go to work. Nobody just gives her checks. [Snaps her fingers at Charlie and Alan] Walk me.

They walk toward the front door.

Evelyn: In case you’re at all interested, I’ve been seeing a man, and… he just may be the one.

Alan: Hey, five times’s a charm.

Evelyn: Four.

Alan: But what about the guy…

Evelyn: That was annulled.

Charlie: Oh, boy! Are we going to have a new daddy?

Evelyn: Oh, bite me, Charlie. Now, I’d like to have a dinner at the house so you boys can meet him. What night is good for you?

Alan: Uh, what night do you want us?

Evelyn: Uh, uh, uh, I asked you first!

They start mumbling as if trying to find a good date or a good excuse.

Alan: Uh, well, Jake’s here weekends, it’s Thursday… Check my calendar…

Charlie: …don’t really want to…

Evelyn: Tomorrow night, 7 o’clock. It’s very important to me, and I hope you can make it. But I’ll certainly understand if you are too busy for your mother.

Evelyn leaves.

Alan: You know what she’s trying to do, don’t you?

Charlie: Of course I know.

Alan: But maybe one of us should go.

Charlie: Oh, sure. You go, I look bad.

Alan: What do you care?

Charlie: I don’t care.

Alan: Then don’t go.

Charlie: I’m not going.

Alan: I’m not going, either.

Scene: Evelyn’s house. Charlie, Alan, and Jake are arriving at the dinner party.

Charlie: I’m not staying.

Alan: We’ll eat, we’ll go.

Charlie: No coffee, no dessert.

Alan: We can’t be rude.

Jake rings the doorbell.

Charlie: Watch me. I refuse to let that woman…

Evelyn opens the door.

Charlie: Hi, Mom.

Evelyn: Better late than never.

Alan: We’re right on time.

Evelyn: I was referring to the big picture.

Jake: Hi, Grandma.

Evelyn: And look, you brought Jake to meet my new beau. Come here, sweetheart. Now, tonight you and I are gonna play a game. And the name of the game is, “Don’t call me Grandma.”

Jake: What kind of game is that?

Evelyn: It’s a fun game, honey. It only has one rule: you have to call me “Evelyn.”

Jake: Okay.

Evelyn: Try it.

Jake: Evelyn.

Evelyn: See? We’re having fun already. [Jake enters the house] Oh, look, you didn’t bring wine. Good. Too many people bring wine.

They all move to the living room, where Evelyn’s “beau” (Madison Mason) is standing.

Evelyn: Tommy, darling, I’d like you to meet my sons. This is Charlie.

Tommy: Charlie.

Charlie: Hi, Tommy. How are you?

Evelyn: Alan.

Alan: Hello.

Tommy: Alan, hi.

Evelyn: And this is Jake.

Jake: Yes, I am, Evelyn.

Evelyn (quietly): Let’s not beat it to death, okay?

Tommy: Good to meet you, Jake.

As a woman walks into the room, Charlie looks scared.

Evelyn: Oh, there you are. Boys, this is Tommy’s daughter, Olivia.

Olivia: Hello, Charlie.

Charlie: Hi there, stranger.

Tommy: Do you two know each other?

Olivia: I thought I knew him.

Evelyn: Oh, no. Okay, who would like a drink? I would like a drink. Charlie, come help me make the drinks. Alan, talk to Olivia. Alan was a cesarean.

Evelyn and Charlie move to the bar on the other side of the room, where they cannot be heard.

Alan: It—It wasn’t, uh, medically necessary. She just… had a function to go to.

Evelyn (to Charlie): Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?

Charlie: Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn’t, she got a little upset. [Looks over his shoulder and sees Olivia staring angrily at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy, and I’m—I’m very happy for you. Good night.

Charlie turns around as if to leave.

Evelyn: Charles! [Charlie stops] You are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.

Charlie: Hey! She wasn’t exactly “filed” when I met her.

Tommy (to Alan): I’ll tell you, you don’t know how lucky you are to have a mother like Evelyn. She is the warmest, most affectionate, giving woman I’ve ever known.

Alan: That’s my mom.

Jake (quietly): Call her Evelyn. That is the game.

Alan: You play your game, I’ll play mine.

Evelyn rejoins the party.

Evelyn: Here we are.

Tommy: There’s my little karaoke cupcake.

Evelyn: Oh, Tommy, you are not telling that story! We took one of those little cruises to Alaska. Glaciers and whales, I didn’t quite see the point of it all. But during the evening there was this karaoke competition. And, as you know, I’m no stranger to the stage…

Alan: Yes, Mom, I know.

Olivia: Excuse me.

“Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?”

Evelyn watches worriedly as Olivia walks toward the bar, where Charlie is still standing.

Evelyn: Well… Anyway, you know how I’ve always sung These Boots Are Made for Walking, with my little dance routine…

Alan: Yes, Mom. I have it on my wedding video.

Olivia (to Charlie): So, how’ve you been?

Charlie: Oh, you know…

Olivia: No, I don’t know, Charlie. When people don’t return your calls, it’s kinda hard to know how they’ve been.

Charlie: Okay, look, I know this is an awkward coincidence…

Olivia: It’s no coincidence. When my father told me who he was dating, I made a point of being here.

Charlie: Oh. Well, you can’t argue with the “awkward” part, huh?

Evelyn: So, I’m zipping up my boots, and I am about to go onstage when this hausfrau from “Tone-Deaf, Texas,” gets up and starts singing my song. I think you can imagine how unhappy I was.

Olivia (to Charlie, raising her voice): Don’t tell me to calm down. You lied to me.

Charlie: I did not lie to you. And you could have told me this on the phone.

Olivia: You never answer your phone!

Charlie: Of course not! Who wants to have this conversation?

Evelyn (distracted by Olivia and Charlie’s argument): So, um… I—I sidled up to the woman and—and really, very smoothly turned it into a duet when suddenly she starts pushing me.

Olivia: You said I was very special to you.

Charlie: You were.

Olivia: Yeah. Me and three other women.

Charlie: I said you were special, not unique.

Olivia: Drop dead, you bastard.

She throws her drink in Charlie’s face and storms out.

Tommy: Excuse me.

Tommy follows Olivia out. Evelyn stares angrily at him.

Charlie: In my defense… Ah, screw it.

Jake: Finish the story, Evelyn. Did you push her back?

Scene: the next week at Charlie’s house. He enters through the kitchen door, carrying sports equipment again. Alan is in the kitchen.

Charlie: Stupid musicians’ league. I don’t know why I bother. Get this: tie score, we’re down to our last out. Our best hitter, Billy Kresky, is up. The bases are loaded, and so is Kresky. His whole family is standing behind the backstop, crying and pleading, “go back to rehab, Daddy, we love you!” Needless to say, he choked.

Alan: Charlie, I think we’ve got a bigger problem. Our mother is missing.

Charlie: Oh, don’t try to cheer me up.

Alan: I’m serious. I called her home, her car, her cell, nothing.

Charlie: Did you check with the captain of the flying monkeys?

Alan: Charlie!

Charlie: She’s probably just sulking because I screwed up her dinner party last week.

Alan: That’s what I thought, too. Except, I called her office and they haven’t heard from her either.

Charlie: Okay, that’s weird.

Alan: Yeah. I think somebody needs to go over there and make sure she’s okay.

Charlie: Good idea. You do that and I’ll stay here in case she calls.

Alan: Well, why don’t you go and I’ll stay here in case she calls?

Charlie: No, I gotta be honest, I like my idea better.

Alan: Well, I’m not going there alone.

Charlie: I’m not going at all.

Scene: Evelyn’s house. Charlie and Alan are arriving.

Charlie: What do you wanna bet she ran off to Vegas to marry this Tommy guy?

Alan: Hey, if that’s all this is, great. [Rings the doorbell] The only downside would be that you slept with our stepsister.

Charlie: Oh. Hadn’t thought of that. Kinda sexy.

Alan: Kinda sick.

Charlie: I’m saying. Look, there’s no one here. Let’s go.

Alan: No, no, I wanna take a look.

Alan takes a key from his keychain and opens the door.

Charlie: You have a key?

Alan: I’m the good son.

They enter the house. The lights are down.

Alan: Mom?

Charlie: Okay, she’s not here. Let’s go.

Alan turns on the lights, only to reveal Evelyn sitting there by herself, with a drink and a cigarette in her hands.

Charlie: Okay, she’s here. Let’s go.

Alan: Charlie. [To Evelyn] Mom, are you all right? Why haven’t you been answering the phone?

Evelyn: I didn’t wanna burden anyone with my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.

Alan: Tommy died?

Evelyn: Well, he’s dead to me.

Charlie (reluctantly): Okay, what happened?

Evelyn: He dumped me.

Charlie: Mom, I’m sorry, but the thing between me and his daughter happened years before you even met the guy.

Evelyn: This has nothing to do with you, Charlie. God, you’re a narcissist. No, Tommy left me for some fresh-faced, 45-year-old bimbo.

Alan: I’m sorry, Mom. I know he meant a lot to you.

Charlie: Yeah, I’m sorry, too.

Evelyn: Thank you, Alan. Nice try, Charlie. Now if you’ll both please leave, I’d like to be alone.

Charlie: We understand.

Alan (quietly): Charlie, wait! We can’t just leave her here.

Charlie: Fine. Where do you wanna leave her?

Alan: Hey, mom, why don’t you come back and stay at Charlie’s house for a few days? How’s that?

Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out.

Evelyn: Don’t worry, Charlie. I have no desire to impose on your life.

Charlie: Appreciate it. All right then, chin up.

Alan: You sure, Mom?

Evelyn: Yes. Thank you, Alan.

Alan: Okay.

They start making their way out.

Evelyn: Oh, God!

Charlie: So close.

Scene: Charlie’s house. Evelyn is sitting out on the deck, wearing black clothes and dark sunglasses. Charlie and Alan watch her from the living room.

Charlie: How long is she gonna sit out there?

Alan: I don’t know. I’ve never seen her this depressed. Somebody’s gotta go out there and show her a little love and support.

Charlie and Alan: Jake?

Jake comes in from the kitchen.

Jake: Yeah?

Alan: Why don’t you go out and talk to Grandma?

Jake: Why?

Alan: Because she’s a little lonely.

Jake: She’s your mom.

Alan: Don’t sass me. Go talk to Grandma.

Jake goes out to the deck.

Jake: Hi, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Oh, please, sweetheart, call me Grandma.

Jake: But what about the game?

Evelyn: Games are for children, Jake.

Jake: You know, uncle Charlie got me a metal detector and sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.

Evelyn: That’s nice. But, you know, that cool stuff is stuff that other people lost and will never get back. Trinkets and treasures buried beneath the lonely sands of time.

Jake: Yeah, but “finders, keepers,” right?

Evelyn: And “losers, weepers.”

Alan (to Charlie): He’s getting killed out there.

Charlie: It’s all right, he’s not crying yet.

Alan: Somebody needs to go out there and back him up.

Charlie: $10 says it’s not me.

Alan opens the door.

Alan: Hey, what’s going on with you two…

Jake literally runs past them toward his room.

Alan (apologetically): The kid’s got a bladder the size of a pea.

Evelyn: You were a bed wetter, if I recall.

Alan: You know what Jake would really get a kick out of? If you could sing while Charlie played the piano.

Evelyn: Oh, no, no, Alan, I couldn’t. Besides, Charlie always hated that.

Alan: Are you kidding? It was his idea.

Scene: later that same evening. Charlie is playing These Boots Are Made for Walking on the piano while Evelyn performs a singing and dancing number.

Evelyn: These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you… Pick it up, Charlie. We’re walking, not crawling. Are you ready, boots? Start walking.

Evelyn finishes the dance move as the song ends. Alan and Jake clap their hands.

Alan (to Jake): Okay, now.

Jake: One more time!

Evelyn: One, two, one, two, three… You keep sayin’ you’ve got something…

Scene: the middle of the night. Charlie walks down the stairs and sees Evelyn out on the deck.

Charlie: Mom? You okay?

Evelyn (weeping): Yeah, go back to bed, Charlie.

Charlie: No, I’m up. Hard to sleep after a big show.

Evelyn: Thank you for that. Brought back some nice memories.

Charlie: You still got some chops, Mom.

Evelyn: You were rushing the tempo towards the end there.

Charlie: Sorry, I always get a little carried away when you do the James Brown medley.

Evelyn: Oh, Charlie. Your mother’s a real sad case, isn’t she?

Charlie: You’ll get over him. There’s other guys.

Evelyn: He never even called. Never even said goodbye.

Charlie: Maybe… Maybe he was scared.

Evelyn: Of what? I knew there were no promises, no strings. That doesn’t mean there can’t be common courtesy. To think I meant that little to him?

Charlie: It’ll be okay, Mom. Hey, you still got me and Alan.

Evelyn: Oh, Charlie, please. I know how difficult things are between us. Maybe it’s my fault.

Charlie: It’s not all your fault. I probably haven’t been the best son. I just want you to know that, in my way, I want you to be happy, and… I love you.

Evelyn: Well, I guess I’ll go pack.

Charlie: Why?

Evelyn: Oh, I’m going home.

Charlie: In the middle of the night?

Evelyn: Charlie, you just said you loved me. You could only screw it up from here.

Scene: the living room. Charlie is playing the piano again. Evelyn is sitting on it. Jake and Alan are sitting on a chair, looking tired.

Evelyn: Oh, my darling, I love you, and I always will…

Jake (waking up): Donkey Kong!

Alan (correcting him): “Danke Schön.”

Jake: “Danke Schön!”

Evelyn: “Danke Schön!” B flat. One, two, three…

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #111):

This is the official “I have nothing worth writing about” vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don’t be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when your schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I’m empty, I’ll simply say, “Run one eleven.” A check of the one hundred and ten cards I’ve already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn’t I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well… I’m just that kind of guy. But I’m older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Governor Schwarzenegger.