S01E07 - If They Do Go Either Way, They’re Usually Fake

Scene: the kitchen. Jake is eating breakfast. An attractive young woman (Kristin Dattilo, credited as Cindy) is standing by the sink, wearing nothing but a male t-shirt.

Jake: I have my own room at Mom’s house, too. My dad doesn’t. His stuff’s in the garage. Do you know how to play Vampire Hunter? ‘Cause I just got it.

Cindy: No, sorry.

Jake: You gotta chop off their heads, otherwise they’ll keep coming at you.

Cindy: Do you know where your uncle keeps the paper towels?

Jake: I think there’s some up there.

As she opens a cupboard and reaches for the paper towel on one of the upper shelves, revealing her sexy red underwear, Jake watches in amazement. She has a butterfly tattoo on her right butt.

Jake: Whoa.

Alan walks in from the living room.

Alan: Whoa.

Cindy finds the toilet paper and closes the cupboard.

Cindy: Hi! You must be Alan. I’m Cindy.

Alan: Hi. [To Jake] Hey, Jake, it’s time to get dressed.

Jake: Wait a minute. [To Cindy] Can you get me a bowl from that top shelf?

Alan: Come on, let’s go. 

Alan ushers him out of the kitchen and into the living room. Charlie is coming down the stairs.

Jake: What happened to “breakfast is the most important meal of the day?”

Alan: Just go get dressed.

Jake runs to his room.

Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.

Charlie: Which half?

They walk back into the kitchen.

Charlie: Hey, Cindy.

Cindy: Hey, Charlie. How you doing?

Charlie: Not bad. How about yourself?

Cindy: Pretty good. Thanks again. I’ll see you soon.

Charlie: Anytime.

Cindy: Bye.

Cindy leaves.

Alan: “How you doing?” “Thanks again?” Charlie, casual sex is one thing, but this is just lazy.

Charlie: What are you talking about? I didn’t have sex with her. She just surfs out on the Point, uses my shower, and goes to work.

Alan: So you’re not sleeping with her?

Charlie: Jeez, Alan, I don’t sleep with every buff surfer chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am?

Alan: I think you’re the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth, but that’s not my point. I don’t want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son.

Charlie: Cindy has a tattoo?

Alan: Yes, a butterfly.

Charlie: Huh. Right cheek or left? Wait, don’t tell me. I wanna be surprised.

Alan: So you’re not sleeping with her, but you want to.

Charlie: Well, yeah. What kind of guy do you think I am?

Charlie leaves the kitchen and Alan follows him into the living room.

Alan: Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake, and you said, “I understand.”

Charlie: Alan, there’s something you should know about me. When I say I understand, it doesn’t mean I agree. It doesn’t mean I understand. It doesn’t even mean I’m listening.

Alan: Then why do you say it?

Charlie: It seems to make people happy, and that’s what I’m all about.

Alan: Well, that’s very altruistic, but I would prefer if you’d just be straight with me.

Charlie: Fine.

Alan: All I’m asking is that you keep in mind that we have an impressionable 10-year-old boy living here.

Charlie: I understand.

Alan: Thank you.

Opening sequence.

Scene: the living room. Charlie is playing the piano. Cindy walks into the room from one of the bedrooms.

Cindy: That sounds nice!

Charlie: Thanks.

Cindy: So where are Jake and Alan today?

Charlie: Jake’s at school and Alan’s at work. It’s just you and me.

Cindy: Well, tell them I said “hi”. Thanks again for the shower.

Charlie: You bet. You look really nice.

Charlie can barely finish the sentence as Cindy is showing herself out.

Cindy: Thank you. Bye.

Charlie: Yeah, I got work to do.

Rose appears out on the deck.

Rose: Oh, Charlie, seeing you strike out like that just makes me love you more.

Charlie opens the door for Rose.

Charlie: Rose, you’ve gotta get a hobby.

Rose: Oh, I’ve got a hobby.

Charlie: I thought we agreed we were just friends.

Rose: We are. We’re friends who slept together once and then one friend never called the other friend but, luckily, the other friend forgave him.

Rose starts making her way to the kitchen.

Charlie: Where are you going?

Rose: To make my friend a grilled cheese sandwich.

Charlie: Rose, Rose, I don’t want a grilled cheese sandwich.

Rose: Would you prefer a quesadilla?

Charlie: That sounds nice.

As Rose goes into the kitchen, the doorbell rings.

Charlie: But then you have to leave.

Charlie opens the door to Judith.

Charlie: Hey, Judith. Alan’s at work.

Judith: I know where Alan is. I came to talk to you.

Charlie: Me? But you don’t like me.

Judith: I don’t.

Judith enters and Charlie closes the door.

Charlie: I like you.

Judith: Jake’s fourth-grade class was given a simple assignment: draw something interesting you see around the house. One child drew a record player, another drew a parrot. My son drew this: a woman’s behind with a butterfly tattoo.

Judith shows Charlie the drawing.

Charlie: On the right cheek. I’ll have to just act surprised.

Judith: I asked him where he saw this. He said, “In Uncle Charlie’s kitchen.”

Charlie: Well, yyou gotta admit, it beats the hell out of a parrot.

Judith: Charlie, I am not in the mood…

The phone rings.

Charlie: Hold that thought.

Rose comes out of the kitchen.

Charlie: I got it.

Rose (on the phone): Hello. [To Charlie] Are you in for your mother?

Charlie (hesitating): Uh…

Rose (on the phone): Charlie’s in a meeting right now. But you can talk to me. Heck, I feel like we’re practically related.

Rose goes back to the kitchen.

Judith: Is that the girl in the picture?

Charlie: Rose? No, she doesn’t have a tattoo on her butt… I’m guessing.

Judith: Look, I don’t care what you do in your private time, but when my son is here, I expect you to clean up your act.

Charlie: I understand.

Judith: I don’t like coming over here and being the bad guy, but I have to protect my son.

Charlie: I understand.

Judith (voice breaking): It’s hard enough going through this transition all by myself. Alan at least has you, I have no one except my parents, and they’re completely toxic.

Charlie: I understand.

Judith: Do you?

Charlie: I think I do.

Judith: Thank you. That means a lot to me. I mean, I’ve always been the good daughter or the good wife. And you know what? Outside of those relationships, I don’t know who I am. Am I gay, am I straight? Who the hell knows? I’m scared about this, Charlie, and I’m totally alone. 

Judith weeps.

Charlie: Well… You know what? I understand.  

Judith: Thank you for listening.

Charlie: Hey…

Judith: I’m so sorry to take up your time with all of this.

Charlie: Hey… I understand.

Judith: Thank you, Charlie.

Charlie: You’re welcome.

Judith leaves.

Charlie: There’s five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Rose comes from the kitchen with a plate of quesadillas.

Rose: Don’t fill up. Your mom’s taking us out for lunch.

Scene: the kitchen. Charlie comes in through the kitchen door.

Alan: Hey. Where have you been?

Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other’s plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Alan: You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew? 

Charlie: What’s to talk about? He’s a boy. He saw a woman’s ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the cable guy’s ass, and move on.

Jake walks in with a stack of magazines.

Jake: Hey, Dad. Where’s “Cankun?”

Alan: “Cancún?”

Jake: No, it’s spelled “Cankun.”

Alan: It’s in Mexico. Why?

Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty’s.

Alan: What are you reading?

Jake: Sports Illustrated. But it’s mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Jake starts making his way out.

Alan: Jake, Jake! Come back here. [To Charlie] Are you happy?

Charlie: I have my moments, but they’re becoming further apart.

Alan: Jake, sit down.

Jake: Am I in trouble?

Alan: No, no. It’s perfectly natural for you to be interested in women’s bodies.

Jake: Great. I’ll be in my room.

Alan: Wait, wait, wait. Let’s talk a minute here. I don’t mind you looking at these pictures, but it’s important that you know what they mean.

Charlie: Ooh, I’d like to know that, too, Alan.

Alan: Okay. First of all, real women don’t look like this. These pictures have been retouched and airbrushed so that the women look like they’re perfect, but they’re really not.

Charlie: Excuse me, but I met that one [points at the magazine], and she was perfect.

Alan: What I’m trying to explain to Jake is that this is not what regular women look like.

Jake: Then why don’t they use regular women?

Charlie: Because the only way regular women can sell magazines is door-to-door.

Alan: My point is that these women are three-dimensional human beings. They’re not just sex objects.

Charlie: Which explains why this one’s on all fours in the surf.

Alan: Are you quite done?

Charlie: No. I think you’re being very unfair. These women worked very hard, ate very little, and spent a lot of money to become sex objects. Those breasts alone cost $10,000.

Jake: You can buy these?!

Alan: Thank you, Charlie. [To Jake] Some women choose to make their breasts larger with what’s called surgical implants.

Jake: Why?

Alan: Oh, well, they think bigger is better.

Jake: I can see that.

Alan takes the magazines from Jake.

Alan: What really matters, Jake, is what’s inside a person. See, that’s the lesson here. Do you get what I’m saying?

Jake: I think so.

Alan: You sure? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean… Do you have any questions?

Jake: Just one.

Alan: Fire away.

Jake: Can I have my magazine back?

Jake takes the stack back to his room.

Charlie: Congratulations, Alan. You’ve managed to take the fun out of boobs.

The phone rings. 

Alan: Hello. Oh, hi, Judith. Yeah, I’m so glad you called. I just… What? [To Charlie] She wants to talk to you. Why does my wife wanna talk to you?

Charlie: I don’t know. [On the phone] Hey, Judith. What’s up? Uh-huh. I understand.

Alan: What do you understand?

Charlie: Not a thing. [On the phone] I understand.

Alan: What’s she saying?

Charlie: Hang on, Judith. That’s my other line. [To Alan] She’s upset because her parents wanna take Jake to SeaWorld, and she feels like this is crossing a boundary, since they’ve been so unsupportive recently, and she’s not sure if her anger is misplaced.

Alan: Since when are you her new best friend?

Charlie: I don’t know. Something’s gone horribly wrong! [On the phone] Sorry, uh, you were saying? I understand. 

“So, when’s Charlie waking up?”

Scene: the living room. Charlie and Cindy are having wine. She is autographing Jake’s drawing of her tattoo.

Cindy: “You’re the coolest. Love, Cindy?” Are you sure your nephew’s gonna like this?

Charlie: Who says it’s for my nephew?

Cindy: You’re really cute.

Charlie: Good. I’m sorry there’s no waves.

Cindy: Yeah, I don’t know how I’m gonna get my exercise today.

Charlie: It’s a puzzler.

The doorbell rings.

Charlie: Why don’t you open up another bottle of wine and we’ll figure something out.

Cindy: Okay.

Charlie opens the door to Judith.

Judith (agitated): I’m sorry to just drop by, but I had to talk to somebody. [Charlie can’t stop her from coming in] I just left Jake with my parents so they could take him to San Diego, and I got in this terrible argument with my father. He thinks it’s my fault that Alan and I are breaking up, and he knows exactly how to push my buttons. The question is, why do I need his approval? Why do I need approval from any man?

Charlie: Uh… I understand.

Cindy: Charlie, how could you possibly understand?

Judith: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had company.

Cindy: No, we were just hanging out. I’m Cindy.

Judith: Oh, hi. Judith.

Cindy: Hi. You know, I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to win my father’s approval.

Judith: Oh, you, too, huh?

Cindy: Yeah, I almost married a guy just ‘cause my father liked him.

Judith: I married a guy just like my father.

Cindy: Oh, disaster, right? 

Judith: Hmm. It’s his brother.

Cindy: Oh, I met him. He’s pretty tightly wound.

Judith: He is.

Cindy: Yeah. Do you want some wine?

Judith: I want a lot of wine.

Cindy: Yeah.

Cindy takes Charlie’s glass from his hands and goes out on the deck with Judith.

Cindy: You know, it’s so funny about relationships and men. You just wonder all the time.

Judith: Always.

Charlie: I do not understand.

Scene: the next morning, on the deck. As Alan steps out, Rose climbs in.

Rose: Morning, neighbor.

Alan: Charlie’s not up yet, Rose.

Rose: Oh, Alan, don’t you think I know that? I brought a Frisbee for your son. It’s a Glow-in-the-Dark Pro model.

Alan: There are teeth marks in it.

Rose: They’re not mine.

Alan: Actually, Jake’s in San Diego with his mom’s parents.

Rose: Boy, that hardly seems fair. Evelyn never gets any quality time with him.

Alan: Evelyn?

Rose: Your mom.

Alan: I know her name.

Rose: But do you know how much she loves you and would appreciate a call once in a while?

Cindy comes up from the beach with her surfboard.

Cindy: Hi, Alan. Shower open?

Alan: Yeah. Help yourself.

Judith appears with a surfboard, too.

Judith: Hi, Alan.

Alan: Judith? What are you doing here?

Judith: Cindy’s teaching me to surf. She says I’m a natural.

Cindy: ‘Cause she’s got the upper body strength for it.

Judith: Nothing like yours.

Cindy: You will. You just gotta build up your lats.

Judith feels Cindy’s lats.

Judith: Wow, they’re so firm!

Cindy: Come on, I’ll show you some exercises before we hit the shower.

Cindy takes Judith by the hand and they leave.

Rose: So, when’s Charlie getting up?

Alan: In about nine seconds.

Scene: Charlie’s bedroom. Alan is shaking him violently.

Alan: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Charlie: What? I was having a great dream.

Alan: Your girlfriend and my wife. Surfing. Showering. Rubber suits.

Charlie: Okay. This might be better.

Alan: Charlie, Charlie, you gotta do something.

Charlie: You’re right.

Charlie goes into the bathroom and closes the door.

Alan: Charlie, what are you gonna do?

Charlie: What do you think? I just woke up.

Alan: Come on, come on! They could be lathering each other up right now!

Charlie: Alan, you’re not helping this go any faster.

Alan: I can’t believe this is going on under my own roof. Well, under your roof. God knows what’s going on under my roof.

Charlie: You know, there is good news here.

Charlie comes back into the room.

Alan: Oh, really? What’s that?

Charlie: Now we know why I never got anywhere with Cindy.

Alan: Hello? Me?

Charlie: Okay, listen. What do we really know here? Your wife has taken up surfing. We’re good so far, right?

Alan: Uh-huh.

Charlie: She made a new friend. Still good?

Alan: Yeah, I guess.

Charlie: Do we know for a fact that they’re showering together?

Alan: No.

Charlie: Okay. So what do we know for sure about Cindy and Judith?

Alan: Cindy’s not interested in you, and Judith thinks she’s gay.

Charlie: Huh. Well, there you go.

Scene: the kitchen. Jake, Alan, and Charlie are eating dinner.

Jake: And I got to see penguins and a manta ray. And I got to pet a shark. And the coolest thing was the whales. They splashed everybody. You could see right through this one lady’s shirt. And I think maybe she had “plants.”

Charlie: Implants.

Jake: Yeah. Implants. I asked Grandma if she had them, and Grandpa said, “I wish.” And then she got mad at him and then they bought me ice cream.

Alan: So you had a good trip?

Alan gets up and opens the refrigerator.

Jake: Yeah. When I got home, I went to the movies with Mom and Cindy.

Alan is startled and bangs his head on the refrigerator.

Alan: Wait, wait—you, Mom and Cindy?

Charlie: There you go.

Jake: She’s gonna teach me to surf.

Alan: Of course she is. She’s not gonna be happy until the whole damn family surfs. Why don’t we give her Aunt Betty’s number? Squeeze that fat ass into a wetsuit.

Charlie: Here, Jake. Take your pizza and go watch TV in your room.

Jake: Dad said “fat ass.”

Charlie: You’ve seen Aunt Betty. It’s not swearing if it’s true. Now go.

Jake leaves.

Alan: She gets all bent out of shape when Cindy is prancing around here with her butterfly butt sticking out. But all of a sudden it’s okay, ‘cause the butt is on the other foot.

Charlie: Alan, chill out, buddy.

Alan: No, no! This is the worst kind of hypocrisy and it will not stand.

Charlie: Forgive me, Alan, but that self-righteous attitude is a big part of what drove Judith away in the first place.

Alan: What? What—where did you get—wh—did she tell you that?

Charlie: Hey, girlfriends tell each other everything. Don’t look at me like that. Listen, if she really is gay, then there’s nothing you can do about it, except maybe try and figure out why a lesbian married you in the first place. But if she’s just experimenting and you act all loving and supportive, then maybe, maybe she comes back to the home team.

Alan: Huh. Or maybe I could find it in my heart to actually be loving and supportive.

Charlie: Well, sure, if you wanna reinvent the wheel.

Scene: the living room. Alan opens the door to Judith.

Alan: Hey. You know, I would’ve been more than happy to drive Jake to your house.

Judith: Oh, no problem. This worked out great. I’ve been surfing all day with Cindy and we just had a bite to eat.

Alan: Isn’t that nice. Uh, listen, are you in a hurry? Because there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.

Judith: No, I guess not. What’s up?

Alan: I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay with this. More than okay. I understand, love and respect you for your courage to explore things.

Judith: Thank you. I’m really starting to enjoy it.

Alan: And I support that.

Judith: Yeah, I’ve only done it on my knees so far, but Cindy says I’m almost ready to try it standing up.

Alan: You know what? I don’t need to hear the details. The more important thing is that I accept you and Cindy as lovers. And more power to you, sister.

Judith: You pompous, assuming bastard.

Alan: Uh-oh.

Judith: You think I’m sleeping with her?

Alan: No, no…

Judith: I just got out of a 12-year marriage and you think I would jump into bed with someone I just met? Man or woman?

Alan: No, no!

Judith: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Alan: I am, I am!

Judith: Two women become friends, and you jump to the conclusion they’re having sex! Where do you get that kind of sleazy thinking?

Alan points at Charlie, who is out on the deck with Jake, training his recognition of breast implants.

Charlie: The jogger. The one on the left.

Jake: Real?

Charlie: Good eye. With the sports bra, that could have gone either way. Of course, if they do go either way, they’re usually fake.

Judith opens the door.

Judith: Jake, honey, get your stuff, we’re going home.

Jake: Okay. See you, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: See you, buddy. 

Jake runs back in.

Charlie: Hey, girlfriend.

Judith: Don’t “girlfriend” me, you shallow piece of crap.

Charlie: Uh-oh.

Scene: a movie theater. Judith, Jake, and Cindy are watching a movie. Jake is trying to hone his implant-recognition skills.

Jake: Fake. Real.

Judith: Jake.

Jake: Who does she think she’s kidding with those things?

Judith: Jake, I swear, if you don’t stop it, I’m taking you home.

Jake: I understand.

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #111):

This is the official “I have nothing worth writing about” vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don’t be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when your schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I’m empty, I’ll simply say, “Run one eleven.” A check of the one hundred and ten cards I’ve already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn’t I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well… I’m just that kind of guy. But I’m older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Governor Schwarzenegger.