Scene: Charlie’s bathroom. He’s in the shower with Wendy (Myndy Crist).
Wendy: Charlie… Come on, that tickles!
Jake opens the bathroom door and peeks inside.
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie (behind the shower curtain): Not now, Jake.
Jake: I just heard the Fudge Nuggets song you wrote on TV.
Charlie: Great.
Jake (singing): From a magic chocolate mountain in a secret chocolate mine…
Charlie: Jake…
Jake: …come Granny’s big Fudge Nuggets with a taste that’s oh, so fine!
Charlie (pulls the curtain): Jake, I’m not alone in here.
Jake (bewildered): No way.
Charlie: Way.
Jake: Who’s in there?
Charlie: A friend of mine.
Jake: Is it a girl?
Charlie: Hold on. [Goes back inside to “check”] Oh, yeah.
Jake: Is it Janet?
Charlie: No. It’s my friend Wendy. Say hi to Jake, Wendy.
Wendy’s head appears as well.
Wendy: Hi, Jake. You sing really well.
Jake: I have to go. This is embarrassing.
Jake storms out. Charlie and Wendy go back to their shower and speak from behind the curtain.
Wendy: I like that you didn’t lie to him.
Charlie: Well, I try to be honest.
Wendy: It’s a good quality. So, who’s Janet?
Opening sequence.
Scene: the living room. Charlie and Wendy are coming down the stairs.
Charlie: You want a cup of coffee before you go?
Wendy: No, you’ve got work to do. I should probably get going.
Alan appears coming from the kitchen.
Alan: Charlie, there’s French toast left.
Charlie: Oh, no, thanks. You met Wendy, right?
Alan: Sure. French toast, Wendy?
Wendy: Oh, no, thank you. I should really get going.
Jake comes into the room.
Jake: You know, I can sing all of Uncle Charlie’s jingles.
Wendy: No kidding? You’re gonna have to show me sometime.
Jake (singing): It’s got oats and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat, it’s maple-maple-maple-licious!
Wendy: That’s wonderful.
Charlie: Wendy’s gotta go, Jake.
Jake (singing): If your house is bug-infested, filled with spiders, lice…
Charlie (interrupting him): Jake, Jake, Jake! Take five, buddy!
Jake: Copacetic. That means
Charlie: When he moved in here, he was saying “swell.”
Alan: Charlie, I’ve gotta go to my office for a couple of hours. Are you okay to watch Jake?
Charlie: No problem.
Alan: Swell.
Jake: Will you take me rollerblading, Uncle Charlie?
Charlie (opening the door for Wendy): I can’t, buddy. I got work to do.
Jake (disappointed): What am I gonna do all day?
Charlie: It’s really nice outside. Why don’t you wash my car?
Jake: No, I wanna go rollerblading.
Wendy: You know, I could take him. I’ve got my blades right in the car.
Jake: Really?
Wendy: If it’s okay with your father.
Alan: That sounds swell!
Jake: I’ll go get my blades. [He runs back to his room]
Wendy: And, if you want, I can go pick up lunch and bring it back, and we can have a picnic.
Charlie: Yeah… Swell.
Wendy leaves.
Alan: Nice girl. Is it serious?
Charlie: It is now, you dumb-ass.
Scene: the living room, later in the day. Charlie is lying on the couch, wide-eyed and breathing heavily. Alan walks in from the front door.
Alan: Hey. Finish your jingle?
Charlie: How can I work? First, Wendy took Jake rollerblading. Then she took him to the movies. Now she’s in the kitchen, making us all… dinner.
Alan: That bitch.
Charlie: Don’t you get it? She’s using your kid to turn a nice, casual [motions something small] relationship into a… [exaggerates] relationship!
Alan: Okay, okay, now I get where you’re coming from.
Charlie: Thank you.
Alan: You’re paranoid and you’re nuts.
Wendy appears from the kitchen.
Wendy (to Alan): Perfect timing! Dinner’s ready. [She goes back into the kitchen]
Charlie (whispering): Did you see that? She’s wearing an apron. In my house! Do you know what that means?
Alan: I’m gonna stick with paranoid and nuts, Bob.
Scene: later that same night. Charlie is walking with Wendy through the living room toward the front door.
Wendy: Are you sure that you don’t want me to stay and do the dishes?
Charlie: Positive. Alan would just re-wash them anyways.
Wendy: Ah! Well, I guess I should probably get going.
Charlie: Yeah, I guess.
Charlie leans in to kiss her goodbye. Alan comes into the room from Jake’s room.
Alan (to Wendy): Oh, good, you’re still here. Jake wants to say good night.
Wendy: Oh, wow, he’s such a sweetie! Don’t you just want to eat him up?
Wendy goes into Jake’s room.
Charlie (to himself): If that would stop him, yes.
Alan: I gotta tell you, Charlie. I think that girl’s a keeper.
Charlie: You think so, huh?
Alan: Yeah, she’s smart, she’s pretty, and I think she really likes you.
Charlie: Be honest, Alan. You married the first girl who slipped you the tongue, didn’t you?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Trust me, this woman has a plan. And it’s diabolical in its Machiavellian scope.
Alan (defensively): I did not marry the first girl who slipped me the tongue.
Charlie: I’m telling you, she’s got her foot in the door and she will never leave.
Wendy comes back from Jake’s room.
Wendy: Okay, I’m out of here.
Alan (mocking Charlie): Ooh, diabolical!
Charlie (to Wendy): Okay, so I’ll give you a call?
Wendy: Yeah, that’d be great. Okay.
They start kissing.
Charlie: It’s pretty dark out. Maybe you should… go in the morning.
Wendy: I guess I could.
They start making their way to Charlie’s room.
Charlie (to Alan): Are you seeing this?!
Scene: the deck. Alan is sitting at the table with his laptop and a glass of wine. Rose climbs over the balcony.
Rose: Howdy, neighbor.
Alan: Charlie’s busy right now, Rose.
Rose: I know. White Toyota hasn’t budged an inch two nights in a row. I chalked her tires.
Alan: You do know there’s a stairway right over there?
Rose: Of course. Did you know there’s a crawl space under the house that comes right up into your bedroom? So, what are you doing?
Alan: I’m playing computer Scrabble.
Rose: All by yourself? That’s so sad.
Alan: Well, I used to play with my wife every night, and I guess I miss it.
Rose: You and I have a lot in common, don’t we?
Alan: How so?
Rose: We’re both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone’s feet warm. But we don’t match up with any other socks. So all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten… or a hand puppet. [Mimics a sock puppet with her hand]
Alan: That’s, uh… That’s very insightful. And disturbing. You’re not thinking… you and me, are you?
Rose: Oh, Alan, that’s very flattering, but… ew! [Mimics a sock puppet again]
Scene: the next morning in Charlie’s room. Charlie wakes up to an empty bed. He checks under the covers and in the bathroom.
Charlie: Wendy?
He finds a note on his mirror.
Charlie (reading the note): “Dear Charlie, thanks for a wonderful night. Sweet. Special. See you soon.” [Charlie grins]
Scene: the living room. As Charlie comes down the stairs, he sings happily.
Charlie (singing): Freedom! I’m free, I’m so free…
Alan: All right, you had sex last night. You don’t have to turn into Mr. Bojangles.
Charlie: Oh, it’s better than that. I had sex and I woke up alone. If there were pancakes on my night table, it would be the perfect morning.
Alan: What happened to Wendy’s diabolical, Machiavellian scheme to never leave?
Charlie: I don’t know. I must have foiled it somehow.
Jake runs past them.
Jake: Guess what? Grandma’s here!
Alan (to Charlie): Let’s see that little dance again.
Alan and Charlie walk into the kitchen and see Evelyn and Wendy sitting in the den.
Evelyn (to Wendy): When I was pregnant with Charlie, we thought he was gonna be a girl. The sonogram showed no discernible penis whatsoever.
Charlie pushes Alan back into the living room.
Charlie: Now do you believe me? First, she sucks in Jake; then, you; now, Mom. She’s like one of those pods from outer space. But, you know, with a cute ass.
Alan: Charlie, she wouldn’t even be here now if you hadn’t taken her upstairs last night.
Charlie: That was not my fault. You saw how she kissed me. I had to take her upstairs.
Evelyn and Wendy walk into the living room.
Evelyn (to Wendy): And remember what I said: hook him on the milk, he’ll buy the cow. [To Charlie] Charlie, where have you been hiding this girl? She’s an absolute delight!
Charlie: Yeah, she’s swell.
Wendy: Good morning, Charlie.
Charlie: Good morning. I read somewhere you’d left.
Wendy: Yeah, I was on my way out the door, and then I ran into your mom, and then we started talking, and, you know…
Charlie: Yeah, I know.
Alan: So, what brings you here, Mom?
Evelyn: Do I need a reason?
Charlie: I’d like one.
Evelyn: I’m showing a house in Malibu. I thought I’d swing by and take my grandson out for pancakes.
Alan: Charlie wants his on his night table.
Jake comes back from his room.
Jake: I’m ready. You coming, Dad?
Alan: Are you kidding? I want to hear more about that sonogram!
Evelyn: Good. Are you and Wendy joining us, Charlie?
Charlie: Gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do. Right, Wendy?
Wendy: Uh… I can always make time for pancakes.
Evelyn: Oh, wonderful! A family breakfast. Go put on some pants, Charlie.
Charlie: But, Mom, I…
Evelyn: Now. [To Wendy] You have to be firm with him. By the way, your nose is adorable.
Wendy: Thank you!
Evelyn: I’m guessing Dr. Shapiro?
Wendy: No, it’s mine.
Evelyn: Oh! Huh. Well, sometimes God does good work, too.
“When I was pregnant with Charlie, we thought he was gonna be a girl. The sonogram showed no discernible penis whatsoever.”
Scene: later that night. Alan is in the living room and calls out to Jake, who is in his room.
Alan: Jake, get your stuff together, we gotta get you back to your mom’s.
Wendy is carrying Jake on her back. They come into the living room.
Jake: Already? But we’re playing!
Wendy: Yeah, I gotta get going, too, Jake.
Jake: Aww…
Charlie opens the front door.
Charlie (to Wendy): Okay, I pulled your car around. If you leave now, I think you’ll miss all the weekend traffic.
Wendy: Don’t you worry, Charlie, I’m leaving.
Charlie: I’m not worried. I just moved your car so Alan can get out.
Alan: I can get out.
Charlie: Yes, Alan. Now you can.
Wendy: Thank you for a great weekend.
Charlie: No, thank you.
Wendy: Jake, bye.
Jake: Bye.
Wendy: Alan, I’ll see you soon.
Alan: Bye.
Wendy leaves and Charlie closes the door.
Alan: I gotta tell you, Charlie, I think she’s really…
Charlie shushes him and looks through the peephole. After Wendy starts her car and leaves, he closes the peephole and turns back to Alan and Jake.
Charlie: Okay. What?
Alan: I’m just saying, I think she’s really great.
Jake: Me, too. When’s she coming back?
Charlie: Well, let’s see, today’s Sunday, so… Never.
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Well, buddy, she wants something different in a relationship than your uncle Charlie does.
Jake: What does she want?
Charlie: Uncle Charlie.
Jake: What do you want?
Charlie: Uncle Charlie. And we both can’t have me.
Jake: I don’t understand.
Alan (to Jake): It’s very simple, buddy. Uncle Charlie is nuts.
Charlie (to Alan): Yeah, nuts like a fox.
Jake: So then Wendy can’t take me rollerblading anymore?
Charlie: Nope.
Jake: No more movies?
Charlie: Afraid not.
Jake: Boy, you suck.
Jake leaves.
Charlie: Suck? How do I suck?
Alan (mocking Charlie): Like a fox.
Scene: the next week. Alan has brought Jake over to Charlie’s. Charlie opens the door for them.
Charlie (excitedly): There he is! Let the party begin! Shaking Jake! Notorious J-A-K-E!
Alan: Jake, he won’t stop until you say hello.
Charlie: Jakety-Jake-Jake!
Jake (frowning): Hello.
Charlie: So, how was school this week? We missed you around here.
Jake: It was just school.
Charlie: Yeah, I heard that.
Alan: Charlie, it’s only been a week. I’m still mad that you peed in my boy scout canteen in 1978.
Charlie: Not much of a jamboree for you, was it?
Charlie laughs, but Alan does not look happy.
Charlie: Okay, I’m sorry about the canteen. Now, will you please make your son like me again?
Alan: How would I do that, Charlie? And, by the way, was that so hard?
Charlie: Explain to him that Wendy was working an angle, making friends with him to get to me.
Alan: Do you really want me to tell a 10-year-old boy that somebody he really cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?
Charlie: He lives in L.A. He might as well learn now.
Alan: Just give him some time. He’ll get over it.
Charlie knocks on Jake’s door.
Charlie: Hey, can I come in?
Jake: It’s your house.
Charlie: Well, it’s your house, too.
Jake: Then, no.
Charlie: Okay.
Charlie closes the door and leaves, only to reopen it a second later.
Charlie: You know what? It is my house. Look, Jake, I’m sorry about the Wendy thing, but there’s nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don’t want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don’t hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I’m just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother. So what’s it gonna take? Cash? Video games?
Jake: I don’t want stuff. I got plenty of stuff when my mom and dad broke up.
Charlie: Oh, dude, this isn’t the same thing.
Jake: What’s the difference? You liked Wendy, then you didn’t like her, and no one cares what I want.
Charlie: Jake, buddy. Come here. [Charlie sits on the ottoman in front of Jake’s bed] Come here. Sit down. [Jake sits next to him] It’s not that I don’t care what you want. It’s just that… you’re a kid. And what you want doesn’t matter. Wow, I do suck.
Scene: the deck. Alan and Rose are playing Scrabble.
Rose (placing her tiles on the board): H- A-T. Hat.
Alan: That’s it? All this time for “hat?” Let me see your tiles. Oh—see? You had “hateful.” See, it would have fit right here, off the “A” in my “quotidian.”
Rose: Wow, how did you see that?
Alan: I have Scrabble eyes, it’s a gift. And sometimes a curse.
Charlie walks out into the deck.
Charlie: Alan, Jake won’t play with me.
Alan: Well, I can’t play with you either, Charlie. I am [placing tiles on the board] “occupied.
Rose: Hi, Charlie.
Charlie: Hi, Rose. [To Alan] Alan, come here.
Alan (to Rose): Your move.
Charlie and Alan step into the living room. Charlie closes the glass door.
Alan: What?
Charlie: What are you doing with Rose?
Alan: I’m teaching her to play Scrabble.
Charlie: Ugh, Alan, you are so naive!
Alan: “Naive,” eight points.
Charlie: What?
Alan: Sorry. I’m in my game head.
Charlie: Alan, Rose is using you to get to me.
Alan: Do you hear the rampant egotism—“rampant,” eleven points; “egotism,” ten—coming out of your mouth?
Charlie: I’m just saying…
Alan: Not everybody is trying to get to you, Charlie! The only thing that’s going on here is two lonely people playing a game of Scrabble.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, please tell me you’re not thinking about you and Rose?
Alan: Me and Rose? [Mimics a sock puppet] Ew!
Scene: a supermarket. Charlie is pushing a cart down the aisle. He stops in front of the liquor shelf.
Charlie: Let’s see. One Russian blonde, one Scottish brunette, and a full-bodied redhead from Napa Valley. Charlie’s angels.
As he moves further down the aisle, he bumps his cart into Wendy’s.
Charlie: Sorry. [Upon seeing it
Wendy: Hi.
Charlie: What are you doing here?
Wendy: I’m grocery shopping.
Charlie: Here? In my supermarket? So this is just a coincidence?
Wendy: Well, it’s not entirely. I eat food, and I live two blocks away.
Charlie: Oh, come on, Wendy. We both know that…
Wendy’s date, Dave (Christopher Jacobs), appears from the aisle behind Wendy.
Dave: Everything okay?
Wendy: Oh, yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. Uh, Dave, this is Charlie. Charlie, Dave.
Charlie: Hey.
Dave: Hey.
Wendy: Dave, we need a Duraflame log.
Dave: Okay.
Dave returns to the aisle from which he had come.
Charlie: Who’s that? Your brother?
Wendy: No, he’s… Oh, look, Charlie, I know I probably should’ve given you a call, but I just thought that after last weekend, it was pretty clear, it wasn’t gonna work out between you and me.
Charlie: What?
Wendy: Well, I was happy to entertain your nephew for a while. I mean, he’s a great kid, but who’s got the energy? And your mother, she’s been calling me all week. She wants to go to a spinning class with me. What is up with that?
Charlie: I thought you two hit it off.
Wendy: I’m from the Midwest, I was being polite! What did you think was going on?
Charlie: That.
Wendy: So, no hard feelings?
Charlie: No, no, of course not. So, you and Dave, how serious is that?
Wendy: Goodbye, Charlie.
She walks away from him.
Charlie: You know, you’re breaking a little boy’s heart.
Scene: later that same night, Jake’s room. Jake is lying down and Charlie is sitting next to him.
Charlie: You see, my relationships with women, they come and go. But you and me, we’re family. That’s solid. That’s forever. You with me?
Jake: I think so.
Charlie: I mean, maybe I shouldn’t be laying this on you, because you’re 10. But I’m beginning to realize I might not be the guy I thought everybody thought I was.
Jake: Hmm.
Charlie: Yeah, it’s a mind-blower, isn’t it? You see, the problem isn’t with who I go out with. The problem is with me. Your Uncle Charlie has major trust issues with women. And I think it might have something to do with my relationship with my mom.
Jake: I understand.
Charlie: Do you?
Jake: No, I’m just tired and I don’t care anymore.
Charlie: So, we’re cool?
Jake: Yeah.
Charlie: Good. [Kisses Jake on the forehead] Good night.
Jake: Good night.
Charlie makes his way toward the door.
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah?
Jake: Does this mean you don’t have nuts like a fox?
Charlie: Yeah. That’s what it means.
Scene: Charlie is in the kitchen. Alan comes in through the deck door.
Rose (to Alan): Don’t look at my tiles, Alan. [To Charlie] Scrabble eyes, my sweet patootie. He’s a tile peeker.
Charlie: Rose, listen. I think I owe you an apology.
Rose: You mean for seducing me with your roguish charms and then dumping me like a bag of old doorknobs?
Charlie: That, and more recently I told Alan that you were being nice to him just to get close to me. And I’ve come to realize that’s my own paranoia about women trying to manipulate me. And I’m sorry that I projected that on you.
Rose: Oh, come here, you big silly. [She hugs Charlie] I forgive you.
Charlie: Really? Thank you.
Alan knocks on the door and shows Rose an egg timer.
Rose (to Alan): Okay. [To Charlie] I gotta go. Your brother is out of control with that egg timer.
Charlie: You think maybe I could play with you guys?
Rose: It’s fine with me. Go ask Mr. That’s-not-a-word.
Charlie: Thanks. And again, I’m sorry.
Rose: I’ll be right there.
Charlie leaves.
Rose (to herself): Phase one, complete.
Credits.
***
Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #111):
***
Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #111):
This is the official “I have nothing worth writing about” vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don’t be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when your schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I’m empty, I’ll simply say, “Run one eleven.” A check of the one hundred and ten cards I’ve already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn’t I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well… I’m just that kind of guy. But I’m older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Governor Schwarzenegger.
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