S01E08 - Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snootful

Scene: Jake’s classroom. The school is having a science fair. Jake is showing Charlie around.

Jake: This is where I sit.

Charlie: Right on. Good location. What else?

Jake: That’s the sink. If you put your thumb over the hole, you can squirt water all the way over to the other side of the room.

Charlie: Cool.

Jake: I’m not allowed to use the sink anymore.

Charlie: Got it. So, what’s the deal with your teacher?

Jake: Ms. Tuttle? She’s very strict.

Charlie: That could work.

Alan and Judith are on the other side of the room. He shows her a drawing.

Alan: Did you see this drawing our son made? It’s a cry for his parents to get back together.

Judith: Alan, it’s Davy Crockett at the Alamo.

Alan: I know. Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?

Judith: I can see you got your brother here.

Alan: Oh, yeah, he wasn’t thrilled about it, but he can’t say no to Jake. And I kind of implied that Ms. Tuttle was a bit of a freak.

Judith: Excuse me?

Alan: Hey, you wanted me to get him here. He’s here. The rest is up to you.

Charlie and Jake are talking in the back.

Charlie: So, come on, you gonna introduce me?

Jake: What for?

Charlie: Well, she’s your teacher. You’re my nephew. I feel like… Come on, just do it.

Jake: Don’t you want to see my model of a California mission? It’s made of sugar cubes.

Charlie: Okay. First your mission, then mine.

Judith speaks to the entire room.

Judith: May I have everyone’s attention? Hello. I’m Judith Harper, the class mom.

Alan starts a round of applause but no one joins him.

Judith: I just wanna thank you all for coming. This is a great turnout. Give yourselves a hand.

Judith starts a round of applause and everybody else joins her.

Charlie (quietly, to Ms. Tuttle): I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.

Ms. Tuttle: That’s very true.

Charlie: Well, I’d like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?

Judith (to the room): So, please feel free to put your name on the sign-up sheets if you’re available for carpools, coaching, field trips…

Charlie (to Ms. Tuttle): Charlie Harper. Jake’s uncle, mentor, pal.

Ms. Tuttle: Shh.

Judith (to the room): And finally, and this is a biggie, folks. It looks as if we’re gonna have to cancel our annual music show for our fourth graders.

Everyone in the room goes “aww.”

Judith: Unless someone with music experience volunteers to help us out. Anyone? Anyone at all? Charlie?

Charlie (distractedly): Yeah?

Judith: Thank you. Charlie Harper, everyone.

A round of applause.

Charlie (still clueless): What?

Opening sequence.

Scene: Charlie’s car. He is driving with Alan.

Alan: Go ahead, say it.

Charlie: You traitorous, rat bastard.

Alan: Good, good. You feel better?

Charlie: You set me up! You lured me into that classroom with promises of donuts and loose women.

Alan: I’m sorry. I honestly thought there’d be donuts.

Charlie: What about Ms. Tuttle? The “freak?” She’s a married Christian missionary!

Alan: Okay, that I just lied about. But it was for a good cause. The kids really need you.

Charlie: Yeah, but see, here’s the problem. I don’t like kids.

Alan: You like Jake.

Charlie: Jake’s different. He’s cool. He’s our kid. The rest of them, ugh.

Alan: What other kids do you know?

Charlie: I see them. Having tantrums in supermarkets, screaming in movie theaters, making everything sticky. And the whole world gives them a free ride just because they’re cute.

Alan: Okay, okay. Forget about the kids. Do this for me and Judith.

Charlie: Not really a big Judith fan, either.

Alan: Come on, come on. You’ll write the music and lyrics. Judith and I will produce and direct. Together.

Charlie: Hold on, hold on. So you roped me into this because you think that the three of us collaborating on a fourth-grade tribute to the Industrial Revolution will somehow lead to you getting back together with your allegedly gay ex-wife?

Alan: It’s easy to make anything sound stupid, Charlie. Look, we’re still legally married and, frankly, I don’t buy the whole gay thing. A gay woman would not fake orgasms for 12 years just to protect my feelings.

Charlie: Okay. Take off your seatbelt.

Alan: Why?

Charlie: Because when I slam on the brakes, I wanna watch you go through the windshield.

Alan: Don’t be silly. Do you know how fast you’d have to be going to… Hey, slow down!

Scene: the house. Charlie is at the piano, playing his Industrial Revolution tune to Judith and Alan.

Charlie: Manpower, horsepower, coal, and steam, moving forward the American dream. Electric, atomic, solar, too: all this energy for me and you.

Judith: Oh, gosh, I wanna like it.

Alan: Yeah, wanna like it.

Charlie: But?

Judith: But I just don’t think it’s your best work.

Charlie: It’s not. Fire me, please.

Judith: Do you remember that show that you and I did in college?

Alan: Oh, Stormy Weather? Sure.

Judith: Now, those songs had a point of view.

Alan: Yeah, yeah, and you couldn’t get them out of your head.

Alan and Judith (singing): Co-ed bathrooms, co-ed bathrooms, wear your flip-flops in the co-ed bathrooms. Stuff grows on the floor there. and… Whoops! There’s another pubic hair…

Alan: See? Maybe the easiest way to do this is for us to write the actual song.

Judith: Yeah. Then Charlie could just toss in the specific notes and stuff.

Alan: Yeah, yeah. Charlie, what do you think?

Charlie has left.

Alan: Okay, then I guess it’s just the two of us. 

Judith: Like the old days.

Alan: Yeah, except this time I’m not a virgin.

Scene: the den. Charlie and Jake are playing cards.

Jake: How come you’re not helping Mom and Dad with the show?

Charlie: Well, how can I put this? Your uncle Charlie is a professional musician, and your mom and dad…

Jake: Suck?

Charlie: Good a word as any.

Jake: Well, I think they’re gonna get back together.

Charlie: You do, huh?

Jake: Yep. Except, if my Dad moves back to Mom’s house, I probably wouldn’t see you anymore.

Charlie: Of course you’d see me. You’d still have your room here, and I’d come visit.

Jake: You never visited before.

Charlie: That’s ‘cause I didn’t know you before.

Jake: That’s ‘cause you never visited. Gin.

Charlie: To tell you the truth, Jake, I don’t think this is gonna be an issue.

Jake: You don’t think they’re gonna get back together?

Charlie: I didn’t say that.

Jake: Well, do you?

Charlie: Hey, what do I know?

Jake: Well, I think they are.

Charlie and Jake make walk toward the living room, where Judith and Alan are singing together.

Judith and Alan (singing): Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney, Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney… All aboard for Henry Ford, Henry Ford…

Charlie (to Jake): Careful what you wish for, pal.

Scene: the living room. Alan comes in through the front door.

Alan: Charlie, we’re gonna be late for rehearsal.

Alan goes into the kitchen and finds Charlie using the blender.

Alan: What are you doing?

Charlie: Making margaritas.

Alan: But we’ve got a rehearsal at Jake’s school.

Charlie: Don’t worry, I have a plan.

Charlie pours some margarita into a travel mug.

Alan: Oh, Charlie, you’re taking liquor to Jake’s school?

Charlie: You betcha. I’m not gonna face all those pre-pubers without a snootful. They’ll have limes in the teacher’s lounge, right?

Alan: No. There’s no limes, there’s no swizzle sticks, there’s… [Starts going through the mail he brought in] Oh, God.

Charlie: What?

Alan: It’s from Judith’s lawyers.

Charlie: Really? Good news?

Alan: No, it’s not good news. Judith filed for divorce.

Charlie: Oh, man. I’m sorry.

Alan: What am I gonna do?

Charlie: Well, there’s a lot of ways to respond to something like this. Anger, grief, denial.

Alan: What would you do?

Charlie: I’d probably blow off rehearsal and start chugging from the blender. But I wouldn’t recommend that for an amateur.

Scene: Jake’s school. Charlie and Alan are walking down the hall. Charlie is drinking his margarita.

Alan (angrily): I can’t believe she blind-sided me like this, being so nice and friendly to my face.

Meanwhile, her lawyers were working behind my face. Let me tell you something, Charlie. A woman who would do such a thing cannot be trusted.

Charlie: Yeah, well, maybe you can use this divorce as a chance to take a little break from each other.

Alan: Oh, no, that would be playing right into her hands.

Charlie: Alan, your kid’s confused enough about you and his mother. Don’t make it worse.

Alan: How could I possibly make it any worse?

Alan takes the margarita cup and takes a sip.

Charlie: Let’s find out.

They go into the classroom, where Judith is talking to the children.

Judith: Okay, everybody, what we’re gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.

Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it?

Judith: Excuse me?

Alan: Would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Judith (to Charlie): Watch the kids, we’ll be right back.

Judith and Alan leave Charlie with the kids and go out on the hallway. 

Charlie: Wait!

Charlie turns around and sees the children staring at him.

Charlie: Jake? Where’s Jake?

Three Jakes raise their hands.

“We’re getting there, we’re getting there!”

Scene: the classroom. The children are still staring at Charlie.

Charlie: Okay, everybody take five. That means sit down.

They sit down.

Charlie: Huh. Stand up.

They stand up.

Charlie: Hop up and down.

They hop up and down.

Charlie (satisfied): Right on.

Scene: the hallway. Alan and Judith are arguing.

Alan: But why file for divorce? We were getting along so well.

Judith: We’ve been getting along because I don’t feel trapped, suffocated, and depressed anymore.

Alan: Sure, kick me out, then work on improving yourself.

Scene: the classroom. Charlie is still conducting experiments on the class.

Charlie: Okay… Everybody flap your arms like a chicken.

They flap their arms and make chicken noises. Alan walks back in.

Charlie: Alan, check it out. I got this amazing power. [To the kids] Stop! [To Alan] Eh? It’s like having my own robot army.

Alan takes the margarita cup and leaves again.

Charlie: No, wait, where are you going?

Brianna: Are we gonna do our songs?

Charlie: Hey, I’m just the piano player. Lerner and Lowe are out in the hallway working things out.

Brianna: Who?

Charlie: Lerner and Lowe? My Fair Lady? Camelot? Aren’t there any gay kids here?

Jake approaches Charlie.

Jake: They’re fighting again, aren’t they?

Charlie (quietly): Yeah, what can I tell you, Jake. Your mom lawyered up and your dad is freaking out. Stay cool, I’ll try to get them back in here. [To all] Hey, everybody, Jake’s in charge, so whatever he says.

As Charlie makes his way out of the classroom, the kids start screaming.

Charlie (to Alan and Judith): Okay, it’s been fun, but I’m officially resigning as the Mayor of Booger Town.

Alan: Not now, Charlie. [To Judith] You know, I have tried—I have tried everything I can to make you happy.

Charlie: I don’t wanna rush you or anything, but have you ever read Lord of the Flies?

Alan: But you know what? You know what? I’m through. Maybe your lawyers can make you happy.

Judith: Your brother’s a horse’s ass.

Alan and Judith each go a different way.

Charlie: Hey, let’s not lose sight of who the real victim of this divorce is. Me!

Charlie goes back into the classroom and finds the children throwing paper balls around.

Charlie: Okay, uh… I think we should all calm down just a little.

Brianna: You’re not our teacher. Why should we listen to you?

Charlie: Okay, let me put it another way. [Yelling] Shut up and sit down!

They settle down.

Charlie: Thanks. Now, listen, rehearsal’s over. You can all go home.

Brianna: What about our play?

Charlie: Well, you know how they say, “the show must go on?” Well, they weren’t talking about this show.

Brianna: Your uncle’s so lame.

Jake: Is not. He’s cool.

Luis: Yeah, right.

Jake: He is. He’s almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song.

Brianna: Did not.

Jake and Charlie: Did, too!

Brianna: Prove it.

Charlie: You see that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops.

Ashley: That doesn’t prove anything.

Charlie: Fine. [Sits in front of the piano and starts playing] It’s got…

The children start singing along.

Children: …Oats and corns and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat, it’s maple-maple-maple-licious!

Charlie: Whoa. Everybody knows that?

Brianna: Of course, it’s the Maple Loops song!

Jake: Uncle Charlie, do Fudge Nuggets.

Children: Yeah! Fudge Nuggets! [Charlie starts playing] From the magic chocolate mountain, in a secret chocolate mine, come Granny’s big Fudge Nuggets with a taste that’s oh so fine…

The children cheer.

Charlie (to himself): What do you know. Maybe I don’t hate kids.

Scene: later the same day, Alan and Judith return to the school and hear Charlie playing another tune. 

Alan: Hi.

Judith: Hi. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up about the divorce papers.

Alan: I’m sorry if I overreacted.

Charlie (behind the closed door): Just the girls.

Judith: What’s going on in there?

Alan: I don’t know.

Alan and Judith open the door and find Charlie playing a jingle.

Children: Smell like a man, stick, pump, or can: with Dry Guy Deodorant only the girls get sweaty.

Charlie: We’re getting there, we’re getting there!

Judith: Okay, uh… Thank you, Charlie.

Alan: Yeah, we’ll take it from here, okay?

Charlie: Too late. You’re out.

Alan: What about the songs we wrote?

Charlie: Hey, kids, what do you think about the songs they wrote?

Children: They’re bad.

Charlie (to Alan): These are my people.

Alan: What do your jingles have to do with the Industrial Revolution?

Charlie: Look, you wanted a show, I’m giving you a show. Now, step back and let us work. [To the children] Plumber in a Jar. Let’s really sell it this time.

Children (singing): When your sink backs up, there’s just one star: it’s the one you trust, it’s Plumber in a Jar, Plumber in a Jar…

Scene: Charlie’s den. Jake finds Charlie reading. 

Jake: Hey, what you doing?

Charlie: I’m trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What’s up?

Jake: I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren’t getting back together again.

Charlie: Yeah. How you doing with that?

Jake: I’m not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.

Charlie: That’s cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks, though, right?

Jake: No, I’m okay.

Charlie: Jake, it’s okay to feel sad… I’ve been told. And this is a sad thing.

Jake: My dad’s not sad.

Charlie: Of course he is. He’s just trying to protect you.

Jake: From what?

Charlie: From being sad. Yeah, I know it’s a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.

Jake: What?

Charlie: It’s not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it’s okay. Understand?

Jake: Yeah.

They bump fists and Jake walks to the living room, where he finds Alan in front of the computer.

Alan: Hey, buddy.

Jake hugs Alan.

Jake: It’s okay, Dad.

Scene: Jake’s school. The children are all gathered in front of the parents to sing. Charlie is at the piano.

Jake: Before the Industrial Revolution, we lived in an agrarian society. Most people grew their own food and ate what they grew. Breakfast involved…

Brianna: Slaughtering animals…

Andrew: …And milking cows.

Jake: It would be hundreds of years before people could enjoy a pre-packaged and nutritious breakfast. And what’s in that breakfast?

Charlie: It’s got…

Children: …Oats and corns and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat, it’s maple-maple-maple-licious.

Jake: As urbanization led to stress and loneliness, industrial society looked to an ancient agrarian product for a delicious and refreshing solution.

Children: The girls look prettier with Hammerstein beer: you like what you see and you like what you hear! Have a cold frosty mug and pull her near! The girls look prettier, the girls look prettier, the girls look prettier with Hammerstein beer!

Judith (to Alan, quietly): We’re not letting him anywhere near the Christmas pageant.

Alan: Agreed.

Scene: the classroom, later. 

Jake: Even with the advent of indoor plumbing, the Industrial Revolution still had some bugs in the system.

Brianna: What was man to do?

Charlie: Three, four…

Children: If your home is bug-infested, filled with spiders, flies, and gnats, all our sprays are safety tested, we kill vermin, not your cat!

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #112):

When I was in the shower this morning, I thought: If we assume a Big Bang beginning of the universe, then every molecule, every atom, every proton, every electron, every quark, every wavelength, every vibration, every multi-dimensional string, every everything that makes up everything else shares an ineffable property of pre-Bang Oneness. Assuming that, then every everything is always moving in one of two directions: either away from that primordial state, or returning towards it. We feel these quantum movements. Moving away is experienced as loneliness, fear, anger and despair. Returning is experienced as one or more of the infinite variations and gradations of what we call love. Now, while some might say that equating the miracle of human feelings to the meandering of sub-atomic bric-a-brac robs them of their mystery, the truth is quite the opposite. Connecting our fundamental experience of life to the great mystery of existence ties us to the eternal within our every waking moment. We are not separate. We are made of the same stuff that existed at the beginning and will exist at the end. Therefore, the question we must each ask ourselves is simple: “In what direction am I moving today—towards oneness, or away from it?” When I was done reflecting on this, I stepped out of the shower, toweled off, and, while glancing at the mirror, pondered a new thought: “I have a pretty nice ass for a guy my age.”