S01E05 - The Last Thing You Want is to Wind Up with a Hump

Scene: the living room. Charlie is seen opening the door. He is dressed sloppily and appears to be hungover.

Charlie: Never mix tequila and scotch.

Jake runs up behind him.

Jake: Morning, uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Hey! Jake, buddy!

Jake: Dad said you’d never get up to go to soccer with me. But I said, “yuh-huh, he promised,” so he was wrong, ha-ha.

Jake runs out and Charlie lies on the couch.

Charlie: Yeah, ha-ha. Wait, what?

Alan enters and sees Charlie in his tuxedo.

Alan: Uh, you know, most of the parents wear shorts and lots of sunscreen, but that’s another way to go.

Charlie: Alan, I can’t go to a soccer game. I just got home from Vegas.

Alan: You went out last night to return a video.

Charlie: Yeah, but I ran into a friend of mine who was getting married at the Bellagio.

Alan: Ah, that explains the tuxedo.

Charlie looks down and realizes he is wearing a tuxedo.

Charlie: No, I think this was for something else entirely.

Alan: Well, I’m sure I’ll read about it in the paper. Anyway, I am the Soccer Snack Buddy this week, so I’ve gotta stop at the grocery store. Why don’t you ride to the game with Jake when the van gets here, huh?

Charlie: I got a better idea. Why don’t I go upstairs, throw up and sleep in my clothes for 12 hours?

Alan: Fine, but if you’re not gonna come, you gotta tell Jake yourself.

Charlie: Fine. He’ll understand. Hey, Jake?

Jake: I got new cleats.

Charlie: Nice. Uh, listen, Jake, buddy. Have you ever been to Vegas?

Scene: a soccer mom van. Charlie is sitting among five other children. The mother of one of them (Christine Dunford, credited as Gloria) is driving.

Gloria: So you’re the infamous Uncle Charlie. I’ve heard about you.

Opening sequence.

Scene: Gloria opens the van door.

Gloria: Everybody out. Watch your heads. One at a time.

Jake: Party time! Come on!

As the kids leave, Gloria enters the car again and closes the door.

Gloria: So here’s the deal, Uncle Charlie. I find you attractive. I have three kids, a bastard of an ex-husband, I work 50 hours a week running my own travel agency, I’m at the peak of my sexuality, and I have a three-hour window Wednesday nights when the kids are at tae kwon do. You in or out?

Charlie: I’m sorry, I’m terminally hungover and I just took a cleat in the groin.

Gloria (handing Charlie a business card): Email me. allaboardgloria@aol.com.

Scene: the soccer game. Charlie is on a bleacher bench wearing sunglasses. The noise makes him cringe. One of the moms (Tricia O’Kelley, credited as Brooke) tries striking up a conversation with him.

Brooke: So, which one’s yours?

Charlie: Please don’t make me talk.

Gloria: This is Charlie Harper. Alan Harper’s brother.

Charlie: So, who’s winning?

Brooke: No one. No, we don’t keep score. We think it’s healthier if the kids just play for fun.

Charlie: You’re yanking me, right?

Mom: Yeah, Judith warned us that you were a pistol. By the way, we were so sorry to hear about her and Alan.

Gloria: So, tell us, is it true? Did Judith leave your brother for another woman?

Charlie: Why don’t you ask Judith?

Mom: We wouldn’t wanna pry.

Charlie finds Alan, who has just arrived with snacks.

Charlie: Ladies, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go because… ah, hell, I don’t need a reason.

Charlie gets up and leaves.

Mom: Someone’s a little full of himself.

Gloria: Forget him. His brother’s the one who’s in play.

Alan: How’s Jake doing?

Charlie: Jake’s fine. He’s 10. He’s got his whole life ahead of him. Me, on the other hand, I’m sitting in the hot sun, in rented pants listening to myself blink.

Alan: I’ll ask somebody else.

As Alan leaves, another soccer mom, who is sitting nearby (Liz Vassey, credited as Kate), laughs at Charlie.

Charlie: What?

Kate: Sorry. I couldn’t help overhearing, and you just look so… pathetic.

Charlie: Really? The guy at the tux shop said I looked dashing. Of course, that was yesterday. And I found his phone number in my pocket.

Kate: What was the occasion?

Charlie: Just… returning a video. [He sits by her side] Charlie Harper.

They shake hands.

Kate: Kate McLaughlin.

Charlie: Let me ask you something, Kate McLaughlin. What’s your take on this whole no-keeping-score thing?

Kate: Oh, I think it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. 

Charlie: Can I stay here next to you, where it’s safe?

Kate: Sure. So, which one’s yours?

Charlie: Uh, number nine. But I’m not the father.

Kate: Well, aren’t you a good sport?

Scene: the house. Jake, Alan, and Charlie are entering through the kitchen door.

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody “got creamed.” No one won, no one lost.

Jake: Yeah. Except for us. 12-2.

Charlie: Well, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. It’s whether or not you beat the spread.

Alan: Thank you, Charlie. Jake, go take a shower.

Jake leaves.

Alan: Charlie, we are trying to teach the kids not to keep score.

Charlie: Well, you should’ve thought of that before you taught them to count. By the way, what are you doing with Jake tomorrow?

Alan: I don’t know, why?

Charlie: I made a play date for him with one of the kids from the game.

Alan: You’re hitting on the mother, aren’t you?

Charlie: Can’t slip one past you, can I?

Alan: That’s not what a playdate is for.

Charlie: What? The kid plays, I have a date. Everybody wins.

Alan: Everybody wins?

Charlie: Yes. But I promise not to keep score.

Alan: Charlie, you cannot use my son to pick up single mothers.

Charlie: Ah, but I can. Good night, Snack Buddy.

Scene: the next day, on the deck. Kate has brought over her son (Zachary Polmanteer, credited as Ernie) and is listing the playdate rules.

Kate: No going in the water, no throwing rocks, and remember, if you can’t see us, we can’t see you. Is there anything you’d like to add, Charlie?

Charlie: Why can’t they throw rocks?

Kate (to the kids): Go.

The kids run out.

Kate: Ernie loves the beach. Thanks for inviting him.

Charlie: Hey, anything for the kids. They’re our future.

Kate: So, where’s Alan?

Charlie: I sent him to the movies. He deserves a break now and then, and I get some quality uncle time with Jake.

Kate: I think that is really nice of y… [To Ernie down at the beach] Ernie, keep your socks with your shoes. [To Charlie] I’m sorry, where was I?

Charlie: You were saying I was nice about something. So, how long have you lived in Sherman Oaks?

Kate: Gosh, we moved in and… [To Ernie] Ernie, put that down, it’s dead! [To Charlie] I swear that kid will pick up anything, no matter what it looks like.

Charlie: Been there.

Kate: Anyway, uh, we moved in just in time for the earthquake, and… [To Ernie] Ernie, I am not gonna say it again. Put the dead thing down!

Charlie: Jake, you should probably put your dead thing down, too. [To Kate] Kids, huh?

Kate: I know! They’re just… [To Ernie] Ernie, put it down or we’re leaving right now! I’m counting to three. One, two…

Charlie: Ernie, for God’s sake, you’re killing me here.

Kate: Thank you.

Charlie: No problem. So, did you grow up in L.A.?

Kate: No. My dad was in the Army, so we moved around… Ah, hell, that thing’s not dead.

Kate goes over to help Ernie.

Kate: Charlie, I would really like to get to know you, but it is not gonna happen on a play date. Why don’t you ask me out sometime?

Ernie starts crying.

Charlie: You know, that’s a really good…

Kate (on the beach, off-screen): Are you happy? I told you to put it down, Ernie. Get the sand off of it. No. No. Don’t touch it. Don’t touch it!

Charlie (trying to talk to Kate): What night’s good for you?

Kate (off-screen): Jake, you’re not helping.

Scene: the living room. Charlie comes down from his room.

Charlie: Don’t wait up!

Alan: Back to Vegas?

Charlie: Even better. Sherman Oaks. The gateway to Van Nuys.

Alan: Kate again? Charlie, you have no clue what you’re getting involved in with these divorced soccer moms.

Charlie: You’re right. I don’t have a clue. I’ve never had a clue. It’s part of my charm.

Alan: Well, at least keep in mind that all these women talk to each other, so anything you do will eventually get back to my wife and, somehow, become my fault.

Charlie: That doesn’t seem fair. Oh, well. So where are you going?

Alan: I volunteered to help Gloria with the soccer league newsletter. I’m thinking of calling it “Just For Kicks.”

Charlie: Wait a minute, this is the same Gloria who drives the kid van?

Alan: Yeah, why?

Charlie: Nothing. Have fun. [Under his breath] Talk about not having a clue.

“Aren’t you even curious?”

Scene: Gloria’s living room. Alan is on the couch alone, working on the newsletter. 

Alan: And I designed a logo, the “K” in “Kicks” is a little foot.

Gloria comes in from the kitchen with two glasses of wine.

Gloria: Sounds wonderful. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to do this.

Alan: Oh, you know, anything for the kids.

Gloria: You’re such a good father! It’s a shame that Judith didn’t appreciate you.

Alan: Yeah, you know, she just needed a little time to sort things out. But, yeah, it’s a shame.

Gloria: Look at you. A successful chiropractor, intelligent, dedicated.

Alan: You’re embarrassing me.

Gloria: I’m sorry. Let’s get back to your… [moves closer to him] little logo.

Gloria motions neck pain with her hand.

Gloria: Ow.

Alan: What’s wrong?

Gloria: Oh, nothing. It’s my neck. I must have slept wrong.

Alan: Oh, well, why don’t you make an appointment with my office, and we’ll see if we can fix that.

Gloria: Oh, no, I’d feel funny! [Touches his arm] We know each other.

Alan: Don’t be silly. It’s what I do. You know—turn around. Turn around. Go ahead. [He starts massaging her] Are you getting enough calcium?

Gloria: I guess.

Alan: It’s really important for a woman your age. Osteoporosis is a real problem. Curvature of the spine. Last thing you want is to wind up with a hump.

Brooke opens the door.

Brooke: Knocky-knocky! Oh, well, I hope you didn’t start without me.

Scene: Kate’s front porch. Charlie makes his way to the front door. A man (Eric Allan Kramer, credited as Bill) is heard talking to Kate inside.

Bill (off-screen): What are you talking about?

Kate (off-screen): Bill, you did this on purpose. You showed up late just so you could snoop on me.

Bill (off-screen): Hey, you got to meet my girlfriend.

Kate (off-screen): What “meet?” She was our babysitter! Will you get out of here, Bill?

Bill (off-screen): Kate, I’m trying. Ernie, would you put your shoes on?

Bill opens the door and finds Charlie outside.

Charlie: Hey!

Bill: Hey.

They stare at each other silently for a moment.

Bill (offering a handshake): Bill.

Charlie: Charlie.

Bill (sees Charlie’s car outside): That your Jag?

Charlie: Yeah.

Bill: It’s nice. I got the, uh, Navigator over there.

Charlie: That’s nice, too.

Ernie runs past them.

Ernie: Let’s go, Dad.

Bill: Well, all right, then. You try and make her happy.

Scene: Gloria’s living room. Gloria, Alan, and Brooke are sitting on the couch.

Brooke: Truthfully, I think that my ex was intimidated by my sexual… I don’t even know how to say it… Appetite.

Alan: Huh. So we’re agreed we’ll set aside six inches for the editorial column?

Brooke: Oh, I’m sorry. Uh, yes, six inches. I don’t know how I got so off-topic.

Gloria: I know exactly how you got off-topic.

Alan: Okay, uh… I think the next piece of business is to decide on the paper color. I brought some samples. We’ve got goldenrod, salmon, mustard…

Gloria: You had me at goldenrod!

Brooke: Oh, everybody has you at goldenrod.

Scene: Charlie’s car. He is driving with Kate next to him.

Charlie: My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight.

Kate: That’s funny. Everybody warned me not to go out with you.

Charlie: Hey, it worked for Romeo and Juliet… Well, up until the poison and the stabbing.

Kate: Charlie, I have a confession. I haven’t been out with a man other than my husband in 12 years.

Charlie: That’s not a problem. A couple of things have changed, but I can bring you up to date.

Kate: Please do.

Charlie: All right, well, nowadays, women pay for dinner. And, of course, sex is a given.

Kate: I’ll tell you one thing, I am not paying for dinner.

Charlie: Rats.

Scene: Gloria’s living room.

Brooke: Well, look at the time. Maybe we should get going, give Gloria a chance for a little quiet time before her many, many kids come home.

Gloria: I don’t need any quiet time.

Brooke: Don’t be silly. Alan, would you mind driving me home? I’m feeling a little tipsy.

Gloria: A little tipsy? How about a little obvious?

Brooke: I’m sorry?

Gloria: Could I talk to you for a minute?

Alan (getting up): You know what, it is getting a little late…

Gloria: Sit down. We’ll be right back.

Brooke (to Alan): I think she’s going through the change…

They go into the kitchen and are heard whispering.

Gloria (off-screen): What do you think you’re doing?

Brooke (off-screen): What? He’s in play. I’m playing.

Gloria (off-screen): I’m the one who told you he’s in play.

Brooke (off-screen): Oh, please. I told you two years ago that marriage was toast.

Gloria (off-screen): So what? He’s in my house on Tae Kwon Do Wednesday, and I don’t have time to mess around with you.

Brooke (off-screen): Why don’t we just let him decide?

Gloria (off-screen): Let him decide? He still thinks we’re doing a soccer newsletter.

Brooke (off-screen): You don’t even like him, do you?

Gloria (off-screen): He’s okay. He’s here and it’s Wednesday.

Brooke (off-screen): Well, I happen to think he’s hot.

Gloria (off-screen): You wouldn’t even know what to do with a hot guy.

Brooke (off-screen): Oh, yeah? Well, watch me.

Brooke opens the door and hits Alan in the face. He falls down.

Gloria: Great. You broke him.

Scene: Kate’s front porch. She and Charlie have returned from their date.

Charlie: The biggest surprise was how much I loved having him around. I mean, Jake’s amazing. Do you know I have, on occasion, actually put his needs ahead of my own?

Kate: Like going to a soccer game at 8 AM on a Saturday?

Charlie: Yes! At 8 AM, I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

Kate: So what you’re saying is having a child in your life totally changes the way you look at things.

Charlie: Exactly! Of course, you probably know that already.

Kate: Yeah. But I like that you know it. I had a really great time.

Charlie: Me, too. Can we do this again?

Kate: I would love that.

Charlie: Great.

They start to kiss. After a moment, Kate starts crying.

Charlie: Whoa. What happened? Did I do something wrong? Please don’t tell Alan’s wife!

Kate: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I really like you.

Charlie: Okay, this is new for me.

Kate: It’s just… Charlie, I have a 10-year-old son. I have two mortgages, private school bills, a full-time job, custody battles, alimony battles, child support battles, carpools, and drum lessons, and… How can we possibly do this again?

Charlie: You bought a 10-year-old a drum set?

Kate: Don’t change the subject. You know what I’m saying. I mean, do you really want to be involved in… this?

Charlie: I—I—I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

Kate: Exactly.

Charlie: All right. Well, I guess I’ll see you around.

Charlie turns around and starts walking away.

Kate: Well—Where are you going?

Charlie: Home.

Kate: Why? I mean, I said we couldn’t do it again. That doesn’t mean we can’t… do it tonight. Boy, you really don’t have a clue, do you, Charlie?

Charlie: No. But it seems to be working for me.

Scene: the next morning. Charlie is arriving home. He picks up the paper from the welcome mat and goes into the kitchen. Alan is making breakfast.

Charlie: Morning.

When Alan turns around, he has a bandage around his injured nose.

Alan: Hey.

Charlie (pointing at the coffee maker): Regular or decaf?

Alan: Regular.

Charlie: Thank God.

Alan waits for Charlie to ask him about his nose, but he doesn’t.

Alan: Aren’t you even curious?

Charlie: You went to Gloria’s last night.

Alan: Yeah.

Charlie: I can fill in the blanks.

Scene: the soccer game. Jake takes a bottle from a cooler.

Jake: Man, we’re getting killed.

Charlie: Hey, we’re here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.

Alan: Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [Stands up] Who are we kidding? It’s 8-1 out there, and everybody here knows it. And you know, I’ll tell you another thing. We haven’t won a game all season. And I’ll put that in the newsletter. And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!

Jake: Dad, you’re kind of freaking everybody out here.

Charlie: Forget it, Jake. It’s Sherman Oaks.

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #111):

This is the official “I have nothing worth writing about” vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don’t be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when your schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I’m empty, I’ll simply say, “Run one eleven.” A check of the one hundred and ten cards I’ve already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn’t I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well… I’m just that kind of guy. But I’m older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Governor Schwarzenegger.