S01E02 - Big Flappy Bastards

Scene: the living room. Charlie and Jake are at the piano.

Charlie: Let’s see, what else? Oh, okay. Here’s one of the first things your Uncle Charlie wrote. [Plays and sings along] “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…” Ah? What do you think?

Jake: Must have been before my time.

Charlie: Okay, we’re done here.

They get up. Jake rests his juice box on the piano.

Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, don’t put your juice box on the piano, it leaves a ring.

Jake: How could a box leave a ring?

Alan enters holding a laundry basket.

Alan: Gotta run to the grocery store. I’m gonna need somebody to fold these clothes.

Charlie: I don’t know if the grocery store is the first place I’d go for that, but good luck.

Alan (to Jake): Oh, oh, remember, you’re being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.

Charlie: Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Jake finds a red bra in the basket.

Jake: Whoa, whose is this?

Alan: Uh, Charlie, you, uh, you wanna field that one?

Charlie: No problem. Jake, sometimes when you have a casual sexual relationship…

Alan: All right, all right! Jake, we take in strangers’ laundry because we’re poor. I’ll be back in an hour. Start folding. No TV.

Alan leaves. Charlie and Jake start folding.

Charlie: What’d you get busted for?

Jake: I painted my room at Mom’s house.

Charlie: What’s wrong with that?

Jake: I’m 10 years old.

Charlie: Hey… How about a little sock golf?

Jake: What’s that?

Charlie: Okay, here’s how it works. The living room is a dogleg par four. That means you have to get your sock into the kitchen sink in four strokes or less.

Jake: Okay…

Charlie: We’ll play for a quarter a hole. Your handicap’s obvious—you’re short, and you’ve never heard of the Ninja Turtles. All right, keep your knees bent, your arm straight, and swing easy.

Jake hits the sock ball with his right arm and it flies into the kitchen.

Charlie: Oh, man, I’m being hustled.

Jake: We can play for less if you want.

Charlie: Don’t get cocky. There’s 17 more holes.

Opening sequence.

Scene: living room golf. Charlie holds a wooden spoon as if it were a microphone and speaks like a sports commentator.

Charlie: The 18th hole, all square. The defending champion looks to have an easy tap-in for a birdie as the gallery waits breathlessly for the rookie to respond.

Jake: Would you please stop talking?

Charlie: Tempers flare as the pressure mounts.

Jake hits the sock ball and hits a hole in one.

Jake: Oh, yeah!

Charlie: It’s unbelievable! An eagle on the 18th. This has never happened before in the history of sock golf!

Alan opens the door.

Alan: A little help here?

Charlie: Fans are coming out of the gallery with sacks of groceries for the young phenom.

Alan: What’s going on?

Jake: I won. I beat Uncle Charlie!

Alan: Excuse me, didn’t I ask you to fold the laundry?

Charlie: Laundry? Are you barking mad? The child just won the coveted Palmolive Cup.

Charlie takes a bottle of dish soap from Alan’s bag and gives it to Jake.

Jake: You lose. I won.

Jake leaves.

Alan: Charlie, when I ask Jake to do something, I need you to help me make sure that he does it. I’m trying to teach him responsibility. [Picks up a sock ball] This sock is soaking wet.

Charlie: Yeah, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth and the lid was open.

Alan: So, this is toilet water?

Charlie: At least.

Scene: the den. Charlie is watching TV. Alan walks in.

Alan: All right, I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away…

Charlie: The guilt thing doesn’t work on me, Alan.

Alan: Yeah, well, it’s all I got. I’ll be back in a little while.

Charlie: Where are you going?

Alan: Oh, I have to bring the garbage cans back in.

Charlie: Today wasn’t garbage day.

Alan: Oh, no, not here. At Judith’s.

Charlie: At Judith’s? Alan, your wife threw you out.

Alan: You know, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need me.

Charlie: Yeah, it kinda does.

Alan: Well, look, uh… We’re still married, it’s still my house, and she still counts on me to do a few chores. It’s good. It leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation.

Charlie: I see. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?

Alan: They’re on wheels.

As Alan leaves, Jake sneaks in.

Jake: What are you watching?

Charlie: I’m watching a movie, and you’re not supposed to be watching anything.

Jake: Oh, yeah. Is that guy a good guy or a bad guy?

Charlie: Good guy. And you’re not supposed to be watching TV.

Jake: I know. Is that his girlfriend?

Charlie: Ex-girlfriend.

Jake: But he still loves her, right?

Charlie: I’m not gonna walk you through the whole movie. I think so. Go to bed, Jake.

Jake: Okay.

Time passes. They have been watching the movie together.

Charlie: Who’s that guy?

Jake: That’s the guy he was in jail with and told him where the money was hidden.

Charlie: Oh, right. Hey, you’re being punished. No TV.

Jake: I know.

Time passes. Jake is now sitting next to Charlie. They’re sharing popcorn. Alan arrives.

Alan: What the hell is going on?

Jake and Charlie shush him.

Alan (angrily): Jake?

Jake: Good night.

Jake storms out. Alan turns off the TV.

Charlie:  Hey, I’m watching that.

Alan: What part of “no TV” didn’t you understand?

Charlie: I’m allowed to watch TV.

Alan: I mean Jake.

Charlie: I said, “no TV.” He said, “okay.” I said, “go to bed.” He said, “okay.” What do you want from me?

Alan: Charlie, he’s taking advantage of you because he knows you won’t follow through.

Charlie: Well, he obviously knows me better than you do.

Alan: Hey, look, if this is gonna work out with Jake living here part-time, you have to be an adult. You have to impose discipline.

Charlie: Yeah, fine, whatever. Give me back the remote.

Alan: No, no, you’re not listening to me. You need to be firm.

Charlie: Okay. Go to your room.

Alan: Yes, like that.

Charlie: I mean it. Give me the remote and go to your room.

Alan: That’s very funny. Ha, ha.

Charlie: I’m serious. Get out of here, or I will kick your ass.

Charlie stands up and frightens Alan away.

Scene: the living room. Charlie walks down the stairs and sees a juice box on the piano.

Charlie: Oh, man.

He cleans the ring on the piano and walks toward the deck, where he finds a flock of seagulls.

Charlie: Shoo?

They do not move. He walks to the den, where Jake is watching TV.

Charlie: Jake… Jake!

Jake scrambles to turn off the TV.

Jake: It was on when I came in.

Charlie: Yeah, right. What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?

Jake: How do you know it’s mine?

Charlie: Come on, who else around here drinks “Cranzylvania Goofy Juice?”

Jake: Good point.

Charlie: And another thing. Were you on the deck feeding the seagulls again?

Jake: Sorry, I forgot.

Charlie (sighs): Okay. We need to talk.

Jake: Love you, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Look, we don’t feed the seagulls because you can’t get rid of them. And we don’t leave the doors and windows open, because we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying in the house.

Jake: Okay.

Charlie: No, no, no. Don’t just say “okay.” This is not the grown-up telling the kid what to do. This is just two guys agreeing how to live together. Are we cool?

Jake: Yeah. Cool.

They fist-bump. Alan comes in.

Alan: Hey. What’s going on?

Charlie: Nothing.

Alan: Was he watching TV?

Charlie: No.

Alan: Jake, I have to run a quick errand. Why don’t you wash and dress and, when I get back, we’ll do something fun.

Jake: Can we watch TV?

Alan: Go.

Jake runs out.

Charlie: Where are you off to?

Alan: Uh, the, uh, uh, grocery store.

Charlie: You’re going to Judith’s, aren’t you?

Alan: No.

Charlie: Then where are you going?

Alan: Judith’s.

Charlie: Oh, Alan…

Alan: I have to, I have to! The timer on the sprinkler system is broken, and the flower beds are getting flooded, and I love her and I want her back.

Charlie: Buddy, I feel for you.

Alan: Well, thank you.

Charlie: Unfortunately, the feeling is nausea.

Alan: Great, great. I’ll see you later.

Charlie: Alan, you’ve been making the same mistake your whole life. Being the good boy, fixing everything so everybody would love you. It didn’t work with Mom. It didn’t work with either of the women you went out with. And it’s not gonna work with your wife.

Alan: Charlie, you know nothing about commitment and responsibility to a relationship.

Charlie: Granted. But I do know when a woman’s using me. And by that, I mean not in a fun way.

Alan: Well, you can rest easy, because no one is using me.

Alan leaves and closes the door behind him, but returns one second later.

Alan: And did you mean that I only dated two women including Judith? Because—because if you did, I have two words for you: Maxine Chernakoff.

He leaves and slams the door. A seagull flies in and scares Charlie.

Charlie: Ah!

Scene: Judith’s house. Alan is trying to fix the sprinkler system.

Judith: Did you fix it?

Alan: Not quite.

Judith: It doesn’t seem like you’re changing anything.

Alan: No? Well, sometimes change happens, Judith, and you can’t see it.

Judith: Okay, fine. When you’re done fixing this, would you come and take a look at the garbage disposal?

Alan: Sure.

Judith: Thank you.

Alan: Wait, no.

Judith: What?

Alan: No, I—I won’t come inside and look at the garbage disposal.

Judith: Why not?

Alan: I know when I’m being used, Judith, and not in a fun way.

Judith: What are you talking about?

Alan: Who are we kidding? The marriage is over. You’re just afraid to move on, so you keep dragging me over here, and I’m afraid to move on, so I keep coming. Goodbye, Judith. You’re free. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.

Judith suddenly moves closer and kisses Alan.

Scene: the living room. Charlie is playing the piano. Jake walks past him carrying sliced bread.

Charlie: Jake? Whatcha got there?

Jake: Just a little bread.

Charlie: Please tell me you’re not feeding the seagulls again.

A seagull squawks in the room.

Jake: Okay.

Charlie: Man, did you let another one of those big flappy bastards in the house?

Jake: You have to put $1 in the swear jar, you said “bastards.”

Charlie: Smart, poke the bear.

They walk to Jake’s room.

Charlie: I’m telling you, Jake, this is the last… [He opens the door to dozens of seagulls in the room] Yikes!

Scene: the living room. Charlie is using the phone.

Jake: I’m really sorry, Uncle Charlie!

Charlie: I don’t want to talk to you right now. [On the phone] Hello, do you have a department of animal control or bird abatement? I have a seagull problem. Seagull. Thank you, I’ll hold.

Jake: I didn’t know there’d be so many!

Charlie: I told you, don’t feed the damn things. I told you, don’t leave the windows open. [On the phone] Yeah, hi, who’s this? Phyllis Segal. No, Phyllis, I wanted to talk to somebody about seagulls. I got a flock of seagulls in my house. No, I don’t know whatever happened to them.

Jake: I’m really sorry.

Charlie: We had an agreement, Jake, and you broke it. [On the phone] Look, I need somebody who can come over with a net or something. Sure, I’ll hold. Hello? Who’s this? Annette… Look, I got a room filled with seagulls and… No—no—no—no—no… Hi, Phyllis. 

Alan arrives.

Charlie (on the phone): Goodbye, Phyllis.

Alan: Good news.

Charlie: Really? Come tell me in Jake’s room.

Alan: What did he do? He didn’t paint anything, did he?

Charlie: I want you to be surprised.

They walk down to Jake’s room.

Alan: You will never guess what happened while I was at Judith’s.

Charlie: Neither will you.

Charlie opens the door, throws Alan in, and holds it closed.

Alan: Oh, my God!

Charlie: So, what’s your good news?

Alan: Open the door!

Charlie: Your kid got them in there, you get them out.

Alan: Open the door!

Scene: the kitchen. Alan removes bird feather from his head.

Alan: That was not funny, Charlie.

Charlie: Depends on what side of the door you were on.

Alan: Look, I’m really sorry about the birds, but I’m sure they’ll leave as soon as they get hungry.

Charlie: That’s what I thought about you.

Alan: Well, you know what? Jake and I may be out of here sooner than you think.

Charlie: What do you mean?

Alan: At Judith’s, there was kissing. Mutual kissing. Unprompted, but reciprocated by yours truly.

Charlie: Wow. And was it as boring as it sounds?

Alan: Charlie, she kissed me. This wasn’t the kiss of a woman who just wanted her garbage disposal unclogged.

Charlie: Well, you know her plumbing better than I do.

Alan: You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna let her come to me. You know, be detached, play it cool.

Charlie: Yeah. That’s your home-run swing.

Jake comes in.

Jake: Hey, uncle Charlie, you want to play some sock golf?

Charlie: No, thanks.

Jake: Where are you going?

Charlie: I’m going for a drive.

Jake: Can I come?

Charlie: Nope.

Charlie leaves.

Jake: I don’t think Uncle Charlie likes me anymore.

Alan: Don’t be silly. He’s just a little upset about the 30, 40 screaming, crapping birds in his house. Why don’t you, uh, why don’t you write him a note and tell him how sorry you are?

Jake: Okay.

Alan: Don’t worry, he’ll come around.

Jake leaves.

Sooner or later, everybody comes around. You just have to give them a little time and a little space… [Dials on the phone] Hello, Judith?

Scene: the kitchen. Charlie lays a bucket on the table.

Alan: What’s in the bucket?

Charlie: Chum.

Alan: What?

Charlie: Bait. I went down to the bait shop and asked them what seagulls like to eat.

Alan: We’re keeping them?

Charlie: No. We’re gonna throw the bait out the window to lure the birds out of the house.

Alan: Oh. That’s pretty clever.

Charlie: Yeah, it’s a variation on something I do with women and tennis bracelets.

Jake walks in with a card.

Jake: Hey, uncle Charlie, I made this for you.

Charlie: Thanks.

Jake: I made it myself.

Charlie: I see that.

Jake: Whatcha doing?

Charlie: I’m getting rid of the birds.

Jake: Can I help?

Charlie: Nope.

Alan: Uh, Jake, why don’t you, uh, go out and play on the deck, okay?

Jake: Okay.

Jake leaves and closes the door behind him.

Alan: What is wrong with you? He worked really hard on that card. You barely looked at it.

Charlie: What do you want from me, Alan?

Alan: He’s dying for you to forgive him.

Charlie: Fine. I forgive him. Now, are you gonna help me or not? I got a serious problem here.

Charlie puts on goggles.

Alan: Really? Because you look like you have it all together.

Scene: outside Jake’s room.

Charlie: Okay, here’s the deal. We go in there and start throwing this stuff out the windows. When the last bird’s out, we close the window and get on with our lives. You’re ready?

Alan: Sure. 

They enter the room.

Alan: You know, if they love this bait so much, why would they even wait for…

They scream as they are attacked by the seagulls and return two seconds later.

Charlie: It’s almost like somebody tipped them off!

Alan: You got any other bright ideas?

Charlie: Yeah. I’m gonna get a drywall guy in there and seal off that room.

Alan: Very funny.

Charlie: I’m not kidding. That room is dead to me.

They walk to the living room.

Charlie: Either that or sell the house. I’ll put it on the market as a two-bedroom plus aviary. Everybody loves an aviary.

Alan: What about Jake? Are you gonna put him on the market or just wall him off?

Charlie: I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing, and then he goes and does another.

Alan: He’s 10. He’s got the attention span of a hummingbird.

Charlie: Well, then, what am I supposed to do when he ignores me?

Alan: You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.

Charlie: Well, you already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?

Alan: You know what I’m saying, Charlie. You don’t take away your love.

Charlie walks toward the deck, where Jake is sitting by himself. On his way, he sees another juice box left on the piano and signals his discontent to Alan. He then opens the door and sits next to Jake.

Scene: Judith’s house. Alan is on the front porch.

Alan: Hi. I tried calling but I kept getting your machine, so I thought I’d bring this over.

He hands her a ring binder.

Judith: What is it?

Alan: It’s my master file of handymen, plumbers, electricians, maintenance schedules, warranties, authorized repair centers, etc. Okay, well, you’re on your own. Gotta run.

Judith: Alan, wait.

Alan: Yes?

Judith: About that kiss?

Alan: Ah.

Judith: When you said we should move on, I got scared, and, uh… Alan, I kissed you out of fear.

Alan: Hey, it still counts.

Judith: Alan, you were right. We have to move on.

Alan: Okay.

Judith: Alan, wait.

Alan: Yes?

Judith: The garbage disposal’s still making that horrible noise.

Alan: Well, I keep telling you not to put bones in it.

Judith: I didn’t!

Alan: The sink trap does not lie, Judith.

Scene: a toy store. Charlie takes an Xbox from a shelf and gives it to Jake.

Jake: This is so cool, uncle Charlie!

Charlie: Yeah, well, I was kinda hard on you, and I wanted to make it up.

Jake: So you’re not still mad about the seagulls?

Charlie: Oh, I’m still mad. I just figured out a better way to deal with it.

Jake: Well, I think this is a very good way.

Charlie: Me, too. I’m buying you all this stuff, but as punishment for letting seagulls in my house, you can’t play with it for a month.

Jake: A month?!

Charlie: Pretty smart, huh?

Jake: It’s not fair!

Charlie: You know what this is? [Rubs his fingers] The world’s smallest violin.

Jake: What are you talking about?

Scene: Jake’s room. Alan carefully opens the door. 

Alan: They’re gone, Charlie.

Charlie: Are you sure? Check under the bed.

Jake: All clear.

Charlie: Okay. I wonder why they left.

Alan finds the empty chum bucket.

Alan: Maybe because we stopped feeding them.

Jake finds three seagull eggs in one of the dresser’s drawers.

Jake: Whoa, check it out.

Alan: Wow! You know what this means, don’t you?

Charlie: Yeah. Breakfast.

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #109)

The Two and a Half Men Pledge
We assume an intelligent audience holding remote controls. The only laughter you will hear is the laughter of real people. We will do no “very special” episodes. Nobody’s having a baby. No one’s getting married. Someone is getting divorced. Our characters are flawed, yet smart. The kid is, and will remain, a real kid. There will be no bachelor auctions. No one’s getting stranded in a cabin or stuck in an elevator. There will be no dream sequences, talent shows, or fantasies… at least in the first season. Ditto for homages to “Rashomon,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and “A Christmas Carol.” A car horn or other random noise will never be used to cleverly disguise naughty words. We will never have a character enter a scene if it reminds us of Lenny and Squiggy. Pop culture reference jokes are cheap, easy and date the show. We will not do them. There will be no pedantic, socially conscious stories. No matter how poignant the moment, we will never broadcast our studio audience going, “ahhh.” Similarly, no matter how titillating the moment, we will never broadcast our studio audience going “wooo!” If we see “it” coming we assume you see “it” coming and will therefore do our utmost to avoid “it.” No fat jokes (unless they’re really, really funny). The same goes for penis jokes. And finally, unless Chuck gets hit by a bus and Lee takes over, there will be no whacky scenes with little people or night-vision goggles.