Scene: Charlie’s bedroom. A woman (Kristin Bauer, credited as Laura) shows him a piece of underwear.
Laura: So, what do you think?
Charlie: Wow. It’s for you, right?
Laura: It’s for both of us. Don’t go away.
Charlie: Don’t worry. There’s not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.
The phone rings. Charlie does not pick it up.
Answering machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Rose is on the phone.
Rose: Listen, you lousy S.O.B. I will not be treated like this. Either you call me, or you are gonna be very, very sorry. I love you, Monkey Man.
Laura: Charlie? Who was that?
Charlie: Damn telemarketers.
Laura: A telemarketer who calls you Monkey Man?
Charlie: I’m on some weird list. Okay, it’s a woman I went out with once and she got a little clingy.
Laura: You are a bad, bad boy.
Charlie: And yet, you’re always the one getting spanked.
The phone rings again. Charlie does not pick it up.
Charlie: Jeez.
Answering machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Alan: Charlie, it’s Alan. Your brother. No big deal, just wanted to touch base. My wife threw me out, and I’m kind of losing the will to live. So, when you get a chance, I’d really love to—oh, I don’t know…
Charlie picks up.
Charlie: Oh, hey, Alan, I’m sorry to hear about that. So, where are you gonna go, to a hotel? [Sees his date come out of the bathroom] Wow. [To Alan] Well, yeah, I guess you could stay here. Okay. I’ll see you when you get here. [To woman] We better hurry.
Alan opens the door.
Alan: Oh, is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her.
Opening sequence.
Scene: the living room.
Alan: Twelve years, and she just throws me out. I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows? You know, “Till death do us part.” Who died? Not me. Not her.
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it’s among other rocks. Not sitting on your welcome mat.
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it’s impossible to find when you’re drunk.
Alan: You know, I’m a good husband. I’m faithful.
Charlie: Is she?
Alan: Is she what?
Charlie: Faithful.
Alan: Don’t be ridiculous. Judith doesn’t even like sex. I mean, all she kept saying was she feels suffocated, you know? She kept going on and on, “I’m suffocating, I’m suffocating.” What does that mean, you know? Has a woman ever said that to you?
Charlie: Well, yeah. But not a woman who doesn’t like sex.
Alan: And Jake. This could just destroy Jake.
Charlie: Jake?
Alan: My son.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.
Alan: He’s 10.
Laura walks down the stairs.
Laura: Charlie, I’m going to go.
Charlie: No…
Laura: You two need to talk. I’ll call you tomorrow. [To Alan] I’m sorry to hear about you and your wife.
Charlie: Oh, come on, you leaving isn’t gonna bring them back together again.
She leaves.
Alan: Look, okay, this is just until things settle out. A couple of days max. She will come to her senses.
Charlie: Yeah. That’s what women do. Look, you can have the guest room. I’ll grab some sheets.
Alan: Oh, that’s okay. I brought my own.
Charlie: You brought your own sheets?
Alan: I like my sheets.
Charlie: Okay, then, good night.
Alan: No, no, wait, wait! I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other.
Charlie: What do you want to talk about, Alan?
Alan: I don’t know, um… I was named Chiropractor of the Year by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association.
Charlie: Okay, then. Good night.
Alan: No, no, Charlie, Charlie, what about you? What’s, uh, what’s going on with you?
Charlie: Well, Alan, there’s not much to say. I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don’t ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach, and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck.
Alan: Huh. Okay, then. Good night, Charlie.
Charlie: Good night.
Rose appears on the window.
Rose: Good night, Monkey Man.
Scene: Charlie’s bedroom. He is in bed. He sees Jake as he opens his eyes.
Jake: Boy, is your eye red.
Charlie: You should see it from in here. What are you doing here, Jake?
Jake: My mom brought me. Will you take me swimming in the ocean?
Charlie: Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?
Jake: Why is your head exploding?
Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
Charlie gets up.
Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
Jake: You have to put $1 in the swear jar. You said “ass.”
Charlie: Tell you what, here’s $20. That should cover me ‘til lunch.
Scene: the living room. Judith and Alan are sitting.
Alan: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don’t like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.
Judith: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.
Alan: Okay, that would probably go on the “don’t” side.
Charlie and Jake are coming down.
Charlie: Why would I lie? The ocean is closed today.
Judith: For God’s sake, do you think you could put some pants on?
Charlie: Look at me, Judy. I could barely make it down the stairs.
Alan: Charlie, could you and Jake, uh…
Charlie: Yeah, come on, kid, we’ll have breakfast out on the deck.
Jake: I already had breakfast.
Charlie: Okay, we’ll have lunch.
Jake: It’s not lunchtime.
Charlie looks at Alan and motions an explosion.
Jake: That’s his head exploding.
Charlie and Jake leave.
Alan: Judith, I can change.
Judith: Please, Alan. You are the most rigid, inflexible, obsessive, anal-retentive man I’ve ever met.
Alan: “Rigid” and “inflexible?” Don’t you think that’s a little redundant?
Scene: the deck. Charlie pours himself Corona beer into a glass of tomato juice.
Jake: My mom and dad are splitting up.
Charlie: Yeah, looks that way. You’re lucky. When I was your age, I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
Jake: Your mom is my grandma.
Charlie: Yup.
Jake: Grandma says you’re a bitter disappointment.
Alan opens the door.
Alan: Hey, sport, your mom wants to say goodbye.
Jake leaves.
Alan: Listen, he doesn’t know anything about what’s going on, so let’s just keep this to ourselves.
Charlie: Our little secret. Why is she saying goodbye to him?
Alan: Oh, well, she’s gonna be spending the weekend with her sister in Vegas. So, we decided that Jake would stay with me.
Charlie: With you?
Alan: Well, with us.
Jake walks back in.
Jake: I’m hungry.
Alan: Is this gonna be a problem?
Charlie: I guess not.
Alan: Thanks. Oh, hey, listen, I’ve gotta call my office. Would you mind making him lunch?
Charlie: Sure.
Alan: Thanks.
Alan leaves.
Charlie: What are you smiling about?
Jake: You don’t have any food.
Charlie: Yeah, but I’m not the one who’s hungry. Who’s smiling now, shorty?
Scene: a supermarket.
Charlie: You drink milk?
Jake: Just with cereal.
Charlie: Okay.
Charlie takes a milk carton from a shelf.
Jake: Not that milk. [Pointing] That milk.
Charlie: What’s the difference?
Jake: That’s Dairy Farm. We drink Dairy Barn.
Charlie: Fine. [Takes Dairy Barn] Happy?
Jake: Why would I be happy? It’s just milk.
Charlie: Cute. Keep it up, you’ll be on one of the cartons. [They move along to another aisle] Okay, cereal. We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Maple Loops…
Jake: I want Maple Loops. [Singing] It’s got oat and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat…
Charlie and Jake singing together: It’s maple-maple-maple-licious!
Charlie: You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that.
Jake: No lie?
Charlie: Kid, if I was gonna lie, I’d say I wrote Stairway to Heaven, not the Maple Loops song.
An attractive, young woman (Jennifer Taylor, credited as Suzanne, despite being later cast in the role of Chelsea), hears them sing and approaches them.
Suzanne: You two are really good together.
Charlie: Thank you.
Suzanne: So, does your wife sing, too?
Charlie: Oh, no, I’m not married.
Suzanne: What a shame.
She leaves.
Charlie: Wow. [To Jake] You’re even better than a dog.
Scene: the living room. Alan is on the phone.
Alan: Dr. Bloom? Yes, yes, this is, uh, Alan Harper. Yeah, my wife and I need to cancel our marriage counseling appointment for this afternoon. Yes, well, well, something came up. Well, it’s kind of personal. I mean… Well, yeah, I know the point of these things is… I’ve gotta go.
Rose knocks on the glass door.
Alan: Hello?
Rose: Is Charlie home?
Alan: No. I’m Charlie’s brother.
Alan opens the door.
Alan: Can I help you?
Rose enters the living room.
Rose: Oh, hi, Charlie’s brother. I’m Rose. I’m Charlie’s housekeeper.
Alan: So, you’re a housekeeper?
Rose: Oh, housekeeper/actress/hand model. I just do this to keep the wolf from the door. [Growls loudly] You know what I mean?
Alan: Sure, sure. Come on in.
Rose: Oh… Yeah, I can smell him.
Alan: Smell who?
Rose: Your brother. He has a very musky scent.
Alan: Uh-huh. Well, I’ll just, uh… Let you get to work.
Rose: Oh, wait. [She sniffs him] Oh. No, it’s okay.
Scene: the kitchen. Charlie and Jake come in from the garage.
Jake (singing): It’s got oat and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest maple treat, it’s maple-maple…
Charlie: Jake, buddy! Take a break!
Alan enters.
Alan: What took you so long?
Jake: We stopped for ice cream because I’m a babe magnet. Gotta take a squirt.
Jake runs out.
Charlie: Why do you assume he learned that from me?
Alan: Because I learned it from you.
Charlie: Hey, thanks for cleaning up.
Alan: No, it wasn’t me. Rose was here.
Charlie: Rose? You let Rose into my house?
Alan: She said she was your maid.
Charlie: Ah, hell, she glued the damn cabinets shut again.
Alan: “Again?” You’ve got somebody who comes in regularly to glue your cabinets?
Charlie: You’ve met some of the whack jobs I’ve gone out with. It’s not that big a stretch.
Alan: Oh, oh, so, this is my fault?
Charlie: Who let her in?
Alan: You’re a deeply disturbed man, you know? Move it, move it. Come on.
Charlie: Oh, I’m deeply disturbed? Who showed up here in the middle of the night with his own sheets?
Alan: Oh, hey, at least I care what I sleep on. Or should I say “who” I sleep on.
Charlie: Hey, pal, of the two of us, I’ll bet I’m the only one who’s slept with a married woman recently.
Evelyn walks in from the living room.
Evelyn: And isn’t that something to brag about?
Alan, who is trying to unglue the cabinet doors, sees her and falls down.
Charlie: Hi, Mom.
“‘Rigid’ and ‘inflexible?’ Don’t you think that’s a little redundant?”
Scene: the living room. Alan and Charlie are sitting. Evelyn is standing in front of them.
Evelyn: Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to hear about your own son’s divorce on the street?
Alan: What divorce? What street?
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Evelyn: You stay out of this. I’m here to help your brother through a very difficult time. [To Alan] How could you do this to me?
Alan: Do what?
Evelyn: Now when I want to see my grandson I am going to have to make an appointment with Judith, who, let’s face it, was never very warm to me. And what if there’s another man there? Shacking up with her? Have you even stopped to consider that?
Charlie: I think he’s considering it now, Mom.
Jake enters.
Jake: Here’s your iced tea, Grandma.
Evelyn: Oh, thank you, my little angel. [Sees the glass] Oh, darling, I asked for a lemon wedge.
Jake returns to the kitchen.
Judith: All right. Here’s what you’re going to do. You and Jake will come live with me. After all, I’m just rattling around in that big house all by myself.
Alan: Mom, that’s very considerate, but as soon as Judith and I work things out, I’m going to be back at my own house.
Evelyn: Oh, sweetheart, grow up. Think about what I said. You’re my son, and I’ll always have room for you in my house and in my heart.
Alan: I love you, too, Mom.
She looks at Charlie.
Charlie: I love you, too, Mom.
Evelyn: Too little, too late.
Scene: restaurant. Alan and Judith are having dinner.
Alan: So, Vegas was good?
Judith: It was fine. Alan, I really want to apologize for putting you through this. I was wrong to blame you for my unhappiness.
Alan: No, no need to apologize. What’s important is that we’re here and we’re working on our marriage. You look great, by the way. Must be all the extra oxygen they pump into the casinos.
Judith: Alan…
Alan: And—and—and you were right. I see now that the time apart did us both a lot of good. I know I’ve grown. I’m not that suffocating guy you threw out of the house four and a half days ago, let me tell you that.
Judith: Alan…
Alan: And Jake’s doing fine. I know you were concerned about him being around my brother, but it turns out Charlie’s great with kids…
Scene: Charlie’s kitchen. He is playing poker with Mike (Tom Wilson), Rodney (Frankie Jay Allison), Doug (Eddie Gorodetsky), Ken (Don Foster), and Eugene Byrd (Lenny).
Mike: All right, last card, down and dirty. King’s bet.
Rodney: $1.
Ken: I’m in.
Doug: In.
Charlie: I’ll see $1 and raise it $5.
Jake: You raised $5 on that?
All: I call.
Charlie: Queens, full of nines.
Lenny: Hey kid, don’t you know what a full house is?
Jake: Yeah. And I also know what a psych-out is.
Charlie: I love this boy.
Scene: Alan and Judith at the restaurant.
Alan: And I think that we’re gonna look back on this as a new beginning for our marriage. A rebirth. A renaissance, if you will.
Judith: Alan, I think I’m gay.
Alan: All right. We’ll make a list. On one side, we’ll put gay stuff…
Scene: the poker table. This time, Jake is playing instead of Charlie.
Rodney: I’ll see you and raise you $20.
Charlie: I think he’s got you, pal.
Jake (quietly, to Charlie): He’s bluffing. He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.
Rodney: How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?
Charlie: Take him down.
Jake: Call you.
Rodney: I hate this kid.
Alan arrives.
Alan: What the hell is going on here?
Jake: You said “hell.”
Charlie: Throw $1 in the pot.
Alan: What?
Mike: Hey, we all had to.
Alan: Charlie, may I speak with you privately, please?
They move toward the deck.
Jake: Whose deal is it?
Alan: Jake, go to bed!
Jake: I’m out.
Alan and Charlie are at the deck.
Alan: What is wrong with you? Are you insane? Do you have any sense of right and wrong?
Charlie: Probably not. How was dinner?
Alan: How could you put Jake in a poker game with grown men?
Charlie: I obviously can’t be trusted. So, how was dinner?
Alan: I leave you alone with him for a couple of hours…
Charlie: I’m just gonna keep asking, Alan.
Alan: Dinner was swell. We both had the veal piccata and she’s gay!
Charlie: Wow. Most chicks won’t eat veal.
Alan: Why do I even try talking to you?
Charlie: Oh, come on, I’m just trying to get you to lighten up a little.
Alan: I don’t need to lighten up. The world I live in is dark. Dark and rainy. And you’re useless in it!
Charlie: Oh, really? I wasn’t useless when you needed a place to stay.
Alan: Well, obviously that was a mistake.
Charlie: Are you sure? Maybe we should make a list.
Scene: the living room. Charlie is playing a mellow tune in the piano. Jake walks in.
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: What’s going on? Can’t sleep?
Jake: No. My dad says we’re moving to Grandma’s tomorrow.
Charlie: Yeah, that’d keep me up. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you won $80 on that last hand.
Jake: $85.
Charlie: $80. The house gets a cut.
Jake: I wish my dad was as cool as you.
Charlie: Hey, don’t sell your dad short. He loves you more than anything in the world. You know that, don’t you?
Jake: I guess. How come you don’t have any kids?
Charlie: I don’t know. Maybe because I love me more than anything in the world.
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah?
Jake: I don’t wanna go to Grandma’s. I’d rather stay here.
Charlie: Yeah, well, your dad knows what’s best for you.
Jake: Okay. Good night, Uncle Charlie. I love you.
Charlie: Yeah. Okay.
Scene: Charlie’s bedroom. He’s in bed with Laura.
Charlie: You gotta love a kid like that. I even played him Stairway to Heaven and he still liked the Maple Loops song better.
Laura: Charlie, I haven’t seen you in two weeks. You finally got the house back to yourself. Now, do you wanna talk about your nephew, or do you wanna have sex?
Charlie: Oh, sex, definitely sex.
They start kissing.
Charlie: Let me ask you something.
Laura: Yeah?
Charlie: Do you ever think about having kids?
Laura: Whoa, Charlie! We’ve got a good thing going. Can’t we just leave it at that?
She gets up.
Charlie: What are you doing? I thought we were gonna have sex.
Laura: How am I supposed to have sex while your biological clock is going off?
The phone rings. Charlie does not pick it up.
Answering machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Rose: Hi, Monkey Man. I was just thinking about you and wondering why we hurt each other so much.
Charlie picks up.
Charlie: Rose, it’s me, Monkey Man.
Rose: Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah, hey listen, let me ask you a question. Is there something inherently wrong with asking a woman you’re involved with if she wants kids?
Rose: Oh, Charlie, we got a good thing going, why do you wanna mess it up?
Scene: Evelyn’s place. Charlie and Alan are entering the living room.
Charlie: Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now? On a scale of one to… two.
Alan: I’m not back living with Mom. I’m simply staying here ‘til Judith and I work things out.
Charlie: So, one?
Alan: What do you want, Charlie?
Charlie: Well, I figured you’ve been here a couple of weeks, you got to have blood in your stool by now. So, I thought if you and Jake wanted to come back to my place for a while, that that’d be okay.
Alan: Wait a minute, are you saying you want me to come back and live with you?
Charlie: Well, truthfully? No. I want Jake to come back and live with me, but I figure you’re a package deal.
Alan: Thanks, but we’re doing just fine here with Mom.
Charlie: Oh, come on, Alan, we can’t let Jake be exposed to her on any kind of ongoing basis.
Alan: There’s no ongoing basis. He’s only here on weekends.
Charlie: That’s too much. Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an hour! Alan, we’ve got to get him away from her! I mean, look what happened to us.
Evelyn appears.
Evelyn: And what happened to you?
Charlie: Hi, Mom.
Evelyn: Charlie, you’re a grown man. Perhaps it’s time to stop blaming your mother for your own shortcomings? [To Alan] Alan, the divan is not for sitting. [To Charlie] Charlie, get off the couch.
Jake appears.
Jake: Uncle Charlie!
Evelyn: There’s my good boy. And what did I tell you about yelling in the house?
Jake: Grandma, I’m suffocating.
Charlie (to Alan): Sound familiar?
Alan: You’re right, this madness must end.
Charlie: Here, I got you your own key.
Scene: a supermarket. Alan, Charlie, and Jake are strolling down the alleys.
Alan: I am not comfortable with this. I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car.
Charlie: You’re not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don’t wanna meet women. I’m still married.
Charlie: Come on, your wife’s out meeting chicks, why shouldn’t you?
Jake has a Maple Loops box.
Jake: It’s got oat and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat, it’s maple-maple-maple-licious…
An attractive, young woman (Louisette Geiss, credited as Karen), sees them.
Karen: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Thank you.
Karen: You and your… life partner must be so proud.
She leaves.
Charlie: You’re right. Go wait in the car.
***
Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #108):
When Dharma was cancelled, my heart was broken. Over the next few years my efforts to mend it by creating a new show led to an even deeper emotional nadir when I noticed that I had somehow become the author of a seemingly endless succession of failed pilots and pilot scripts. This was not a big price (that had already been done by people more incompetent than myself), but my ill-advised attempts at heart-mending were sufficient enough to cause people in suits to not look up from their cobb salads when I ambled into the WB commissary (in Hollywood even has-beens amble). But I was indomitable. I kept writing… and failing… and ambling. And then, about a year ago, my good friend and favorite cross-to-bear, Lee Aronsohn, told me he needed to write something fairly quickly in order to keep his Writer’s Guild health insurance. Everyone—friends, agents, execs—told me not to get involved. They assured me that I was too big, too successful, for such a partnership. You see where this is going. Lee and I wrote “Two and a Half Men.” Which brings me to the glaringly obvious spiritual lessons in all this. How do you mend a broken heart? The BeeGee’s never figured it out, but I did. You help a friend keep their health insurance from lapsing.
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