S01E02 - Big Flappy Bastards

Scene: the living room. Charlie and Jake are at the piano.

Charlie: Let’s see, what else? Oh, okay. Here’s one of the first things your Uncle Charlie wrote. [Plays and sings along] “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…” Ah? What do you think?

Jake: Must have been before my time.

Charlie: Okay, we’re done here.

They get up. Jake rests his juice box on the piano.

Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, don’t put your juice box on the piano, it leaves a ring.

Jake: How could a box leave a ring?

Alan enters holding a laundry basket.

Alan: Gotta run to the grocery store. I’m gonna need somebody to fold these clothes.

Charlie: I don’t know if the grocery store is the first place I’d go for that, but good luck.

Alan (to Jake): Oh, oh, remember, you’re being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.

Charlie: Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Jake finds a red bra in the basket.

Jake: Whoa, whose is this?

Alan: Uh, Charlie, you, uh, you wanna field that one?

Charlie: No problem. Jake, sometimes when you have a casual sexual relationship…

Alan: All right, all right! Jake, we take in strangers’ laundry because we’re poor. I’ll be back in an hour. Start folding. No TV.

Alan leaves. Charlie and Jake start folding.

Charlie: What’d you get busted for?

Jake: I painted my room at Mom’s house.

Charlie: What’s wrong with that?

Jake: I’m 10 years old.

Charlie: Hey… How about a little sock golf?

Jake: What’s that?

Charlie: Okay, here’s how it works. The living room is a dogleg par four. That means you have to get your sock into the kitchen sink in four strokes or less.

Jake: Okay…

Charlie: We’ll play for a quarter a hole. Your handicap’s obvious—you’re short, and you’ve never heard of the Ninja Turtles. All right, keep your knees bent, your arm straight, and swing easy.

Jake hits the sock ball with his right arm and it flies into the kitchen.

Charlie: Oh, man, I’m being hustled.

Jake: We can play for less if you want.

Charlie: Don’t get cocky. There’s 17 more holes.

Opening sequence.

Scene: living room golf. Charlie holds a wooden spoon as if it were a microphone and speaks like a sports commentator.

Charlie: The 18th hole, all square. The defending champion looks to have an easy tap-in for a birdie as the gallery waits breathlessly for the rookie to respond.

Jake: Would you please stop talking?

Charlie: Tempers flare as the pressure mounts.

Jake hits the sock ball and hits a hole in one.

Jake: Oh, yeah!

Charlie: It’s unbelievable! An eagle on the 18th. This has never happened before in the history of sock golf!

Alan opens the door.

Alan: A little help here?

Charlie: Fans are coming out of the gallery with sacks of groceries for the young phenom.

Alan: What’s going on?

Jake: I won. I beat Uncle Charlie!

Alan: Excuse me, didn’t I ask you to fold the laundry?

Charlie: Laundry? Are you barking mad? The child just won the coveted Palmolive Cup.

Charlie takes a bottle of dish soap from Alan’s bag and gives it to Jake.

Jake: You lose. I won.

Jake leaves.

Alan: Charlie, when I ask Jake to do something, I need you to help me make sure that he does it. I’m trying to teach him responsibility. [Picks up a sock ball] This sock is soaking wet.

Charlie: Yeah, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth and the lid was open.

Alan: So, this is toilet water?

Charlie: At least.

Scene: the den. Charlie is watching TV. Alan walks in.

Alan: All right, I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away…

Charlie: The guilt thing doesn’t work on me, Alan.

Alan: Yeah, well, it’s all I got. I’ll be back in a little while.

Charlie: Where are you going?

Alan: Oh, I have to bring the garbage cans back in.

Charlie: Today wasn’t garbage day.

Alan: Oh, no, not here. At Judith’s.

Charlie: At Judith’s? Alan, your wife threw you out.

Alan: You know, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need me.

Charlie: Yeah, it kinda does.

Alan: Well, look, uh… We’re still married, it’s still my house, and she still counts on me to do a few chores. It’s good. It leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation.

Charlie: I see. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?

Alan: They’re on wheels.

As Alan leaves, Jake sneaks in.

Jake: What are you watching?

Charlie: I’m watching a movie, and you’re not supposed to be watching anything.

Jake: Oh, yeah. Is that guy a good guy or a bad guy?

Charlie: Good guy. And you’re not supposed to be watching TV.

Jake: I know. Is that his girlfriend?

Charlie: Ex-girlfriend.

Jake: But he still loves her, right?

Charlie: I’m not gonna walk you through the whole movie. I think so. Go to bed, Jake.

Jake: Okay.

Time passes. They have been watching the movie together.

Charlie: Who’s that guy?

Jake: That’s the guy he was in jail with and told him where the money was hidden.

Charlie: Oh, right. Hey, you’re being punished. No TV.

Jake: I know.

Time passes. Jake is now sitting next to Charlie. They’re sharing popcorn. Alan arrives.

Alan: What the hell is going on?

Jake and Charlie shush him.

Alan (angrily): Jake?

Jake: Good night.

Jake storms out. Alan turns off the TV.

Charlie:  Hey, I’m watching that.

Alan: What part of “no TV” didn’t you understand?

Charlie: I’m allowed to watch TV.

Alan: I mean Jake.

Charlie: I said, “no TV.” He said, “okay.” I said, “go to bed.” He said, “okay.” What do you want from me?

Alan: Charlie, he’s taking advantage of you because he knows you won’t follow through.

Charlie: Well, he obviously knows me better than you do.

Alan: Hey, look, if this is gonna work out with Jake living here part-time, you have to be an adult. You have to impose discipline.

Charlie: Yeah, fine, whatever. Give me back the remote.

Alan: No, no, you’re not listening to me. You need to be firm.

Charlie: Okay. Go to your room.

Alan: Yes, like that.

Charlie: I mean it. Give me the remote and go to your room.

Alan: That’s very funny. Ha, ha.

Charlie: I’m serious. Get out of here, or I will kick your ass.

Charlie stands up and frightens Alan away.

Scene: the living room. Charlie walks down the stairs and sees a juice box on the piano.

Charlie: Oh, man.

He cleans the ring on the piano and walks toward the deck, where he finds a flock of seagulls.

Charlie: Shoo?

They do not move. He walks to the den, where Jake is watching TV.

Charlie: Jake… Jake!

Jake scrambles to turn off the TV.

Jake: It was on when I came in.

Charlie: Yeah, right. What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?

Jake: How do you know it’s mine?

Charlie: Come on, who else around here drinks “Cranzylvania Goofy Juice?”

Jake: Good point.

Charlie: And another thing. Were you on the deck feeding the seagulls again?

Jake: Sorry, I forgot.

Charlie (sighs): Okay. We need to talk.

Jake: Love you, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Look, we don’t feed the seagulls because you can’t get rid of them. And we don’t leave the doors and windows open, because we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying in the house.

Jake: Okay.

Charlie: No, no, no. Don’t just say “okay.” This is not the grown-up telling the kid what to do. This is just two guys agreeing how to live together. Are we cool?

Jake: Yeah. Cool.

They fist-bump. Alan comes in.

Alan: Hey. What’s going on?

Charlie: Nothing.

Alan: Was he watching TV?

Charlie: No.

Alan: Jake, I have to run a quick errand. Why don’t you wash and dress and, when I get back, we’ll do something fun.

Jake: Can we watch TV?

Alan: Go.

Jake runs out.

Charlie: Where are you off to?

Alan: Uh, the, uh, uh, grocery store.

Charlie: You’re going to Judith’s, aren’t you?

Alan: No.

Charlie: Then where are you going?

Alan: Judith’s.

Charlie: Oh, Alan…

Alan: I have to, I have to! The timer on the sprinkler system is broken, and the flower beds are getting flooded, and I love her and I want her back.

Charlie: Buddy, I feel for you.

Alan: Well, thank you.

Charlie: Unfortunately, the feeling is nausea.

Alan: Great, great. I’ll see you later.

Charlie: Alan, you’ve been making the same mistake your whole life. Being the good boy, fixing everything so everybody would love you. It didn’t work with Mom. It didn’t work with either of the women you went out with. And it’s not gonna work with your wife.

Alan: Charlie, you know nothing about commitment and responsibility to a relationship.

Charlie: Granted. But I do know when a woman’s using me. And by that, I mean not in a fun way.

Alan: Well, you can rest easy, because no one is using me.

Alan leaves and closes the door behind him, but returns one second later.

Alan: And did you mean that I only dated two women including Judith? Because—because if you did, I have two words for you: Maxine Chernakoff.

He leaves and slams the door. A seagull flies in and scares Charlie.

Charlie: Ah!

Scene: Judith’s house. Alan is trying to fix the sprinkler system.

Judith: Did you fix it?

Alan: Not quite.

Judith: It doesn’t seem like you’re changing anything.

Alan: No? Well, sometimes change happens, Judith, and you can’t see it.

Judith: Okay, fine. When you’re done fixing this, would you come and take a look at the garbage disposal?

Alan: Sure.

Judith: Thank you.

Alan: Wait, no.

Judith: What?

Alan: No, I—I won’t come inside and look at the garbage disposal.

Judith: Why not?

Alan: I know when I’m being used, Judith, and not in a fun way.

Judith: What are you talking about?

Alan: Who are we kidding? The marriage is over. You’re just afraid to move on, so you keep dragging me over here, and I’m afraid to move on, so I keep coming. Goodbye, Judith. You’re free. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.

Judith suddenly moves closer and kisses Alan.

Scene: the living room. Charlie is playing the piano. Jake walks past him carrying sliced bread.

Charlie: Jake? Whatcha got there?

Jake: Just a little bread.

Charlie: Please tell me you’re not feeding the seagulls again.

A seagull squawks in the room.

Jake: Okay.

Charlie: Man, did you let another one of those big flappy bastards in the house?

Jake: You have to put $1 in the swear jar, you said “bastards.”

Charlie: Smart, poke the bear.

They walk to Jake’s room.

Charlie: I’m telling you, Jake, this is the last… [He opens the door to dozens of seagulls in the room] Yikes!

Scene: the living room. Charlie is using the phone.

Jake: I’m really sorry, Uncle Charlie!

Charlie: I don’t want to talk to you right now. [On the phone] Hello, do you have a department of animal control or bird abatement? I have a seagull problem. Seagull. Thank you, I’ll hold.

Jake: I didn’t know there’d be so many!

Charlie: I told you, don’t feed the damn things. I told you, don’t leave the windows open. [On the phone] Yeah, hi, who’s this? Phyllis Segal. No, Phyllis, I wanted to talk to somebody about seagulls. I got a flock of seagulls in my house. No, I don’t know whatever happened to them.

Jake: I’m really sorry.

Charlie: We had an agreement, Jake, and you broke it. [On the phone] Look, I need somebody who can come over with a net or something. Sure, I’ll hold. Hello? Who’s this? Annette… Look, I got a room filled with seagulls and… No—no—no—no—no… Hi, Phyllis. 

Alan arrives.

Charlie (on the phone): Goodbye, Phyllis.

Alan: Good news.

Charlie: Really? Come tell me in Jake’s room.

Alan: What did he do? He didn’t paint anything, did he?

Charlie: I want you to be surprised.

They walk down to Jake’s room.

Alan: You will never guess what happened while I was at Judith’s.

Charlie: Neither will you.

Charlie opens the door, throws Alan in, and holds it closed.

Alan: Oh, my God!

Charlie: So, what’s your good news?

Alan: Open the door!

Charlie: Your kid got them in there, you get them out.

Alan: Open the door!

Scene: the kitchen. Alan removes bird feather from his head.

Alan: That was not funny, Charlie.

Charlie: Depends on what side of the door you were on.

Alan: Look, I’m really sorry about the birds, but I’m sure they’ll leave as soon as they get hungry.

Charlie: That’s what I thought about you.

Alan: Well, you know what? Jake and I may be out of here sooner than you think.

Charlie: What do you mean?

Alan: At Judith’s, there was kissing. Mutual kissing. Unprompted, but reciprocated by yours truly.

Charlie: Wow. And was it as boring as it sounds?

Alan: Charlie, she kissed me. This wasn’t the kiss of a woman who just wanted her garbage disposal unclogged.

Charlie: Well, you know her plumbing better than I do.

Alan: You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna let her come to me. You know, be detached, play it cool.

Charlie: Yeah. That’s your home-run swing.

Jake comes in.

Jake: Hey, uncle Charlie, you want to play some sock golf?

Charlie: No, thanks.

Jake: Where are you going?

Charlie: I’m going for a drive.

Jake: Can I come?

Charlie: Nope.

Charlie leaves.

Jake: I don’t think Uncle Charlie likes me anymore.

Alan: Don’t be silly. He’s just a little upset about the 30, 40 screaming, crapping birds in his house. Why don’t you, uh, why don’t you write him a note and tell him how sorry you are?

Jake: Okay.

Alan: Don’t worry, he’ll come around.

Jake leaves.

Sooner or later, everybody comes around. You just have to give them a little time and a little space… [Dials on the phone] Hello, Judith?

Scene: the kitchen. Charlie lays a bucket on the table.

Alan: What’s in the bucket?

Charlie: Chum.

Alan: What?

Charlie: Bait. I went down to the bait shop and asked them what seagulls like to eat.

Alan: We’re keeping them?

Charlie: No. We’re gonna throw the bait out the window to lure the birds out of the house.

Alan: Oh. That’s pretty clever.

Charlie: Yeah, it’s a variation on something I do with women and tennis bracelets.

Jake walks in with a card.

Jake: Hey, uncle Charlie, I made this for you.

Charlie: Thanks.

Jake: I made it myself.

Charlie: I see that.

Jake: Whatcha doing?

Charlie: I’m getting rid of the birds.

Jake: Can I help?

Charlie: Nope.

Alan: Uh, Jake, why don’t you, uh, go out and play on the deck, okay?

Jake: Okay.

Jake leaves and closes the door behind him.

Alan: What is wrong with you? He worked really hard on that card. You barely looked at it.

Charlie: What do you want from me, Alan?

Alan: He’s dying for you to forgive him.

Charlie: Fine. I forgive him. Now, are you gonna help me or not? I got a serious problem here.

Charlie puts on goggles.

Alan: Really? Because you look like you have it all together.

Scene: outside Jake’s room.

Charlie: Okay, here’s the deal. We go in there and start throwing this stuff out the windows. When the last bird’s out, we close the window and get on with our lives. You’re ready?

Alan: Sure. 

They enter the room.

Alan: You know, if they love this bait so much, why would they even wait for…

They scream as they are attacked by the seagulls and return two seconds later.

Charlie: It’s almost like somebody tipped them off!

Alan: You got any other bright ideas?

Charlie: Yeah. I’m gonna get a drywall guy in there and seal off that room.

Alan: Very funny.

Charlie: I’m not kidding. That room is dead to me.

They walk to the living room.

Charlie: Either that or sell the house. I’ll put it on the market as a two-bedroom plus aviary. Everybody loves an aviary.

Alan: What about Jake? Are you gonna put him on the market or just wall him off?

Charlie: I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing, and then he goes and does another.

Alan: He’s 10. He’s got the attention span of a hummingbird.

Charlie: Well, then, what am I supposed to do when he ignores me?

Alan: You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.

Charlie: Well, you already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?

Alan: You know what I’m saying, Charlie. You don’t take away your love.

Charlie walks toward the deck, where Jake is sitting by himself. On his way, he sees another juice box left on the piano and signals his discontent to Alan. He then opens the door and sits next to Jake.

Scene: Judith’s house. Alan is on the front porch.

Alan: Hi. I tried calling but I kept getting your machine, so I thought I’d bring this over.

He hands her a ring binder.

Judith: What is it?

Alan: It’s my master file of handymen, plumbers, electricians, maintenance schedules, warranties, authorized repair centers, etc. Okay, well, you’re on your own. Gotta run.

Judith: Alan, wait.

Alan: Yes?

Judith: About that kiss?

Alan: Ah.

Judith: When you said we should move on, I got scared, and, uh… Alan, I kissed you out of fear.

Alan: Hey, it still counts.

Judith: Alan, you were right. We have to move on.

Alan: Okay.

Judith: Alan, wait.

Alan: Yes?

Judith: The garbage disposal’s still making that horrible noise.

Alan: Well, I keep telling you not to put bones in it.

Judith: I didn’t!

Alan: The sink trap does not lie, Judith.

Scene: a toy store. Charlie takes an Xbox from a shelf and gives it to Jake.

Jake: This is so cool, uncle Charlie!

Charlie: Yeah, well, I was kinda hard on you, and I wanted to make it up.

Jake: So you’re not still mad about the seagulls?

Charlie: Oh, I’m still mad. I just figured out a better way to deal with it.

Jake: Well, I think this is a very good way.

Charlie: Me, too. I’m buying you all this stuff, but as punishment for letting seagulls in my house, you can’t play with it for a month.

Jake: A month?!

Charlie: Pretty smart, huh?

Jake: It’s not fair!

Charlie: You know what this is? [Rubs his fingers] The world’s smallest violin.

Jake: What are you talking about?

Scene: Jake’s room. Alan carefully opens the door. 

Alan: They’re gone, Charlie.

Charlie: Are you sure? Check under the bed.

Jake: All clear.

Charlie: Okay. I wonder why they left.

Alan finds the empty chum bucket.

Alan: Maybe because we stopped feeding them.

Jake finds three seagull eggs in one of the dresser’s drawers.

Jake: Whoa, check it out.

Alan: Wow! You know what this means, don’t you?

Charlie: Yeah. Breakfast.

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #109)

The Two and a Half Men Pledge
We assume an intelligent audience holding remote controls. The only laughter you will hear is the laughter of real people. We will do no “very special” episodes. Nobody’s having a baby. No one’s getting married. Someone is getting divorced. Our characters are flawed, yet smart. The kid is, and will remain, a real kid. There will be no bachelor auctions. No one’s getting stranded in a cabin or stuck in an elevator. There will be no dream sequences, talent shows, or fantasies… at least in the first season. Ditto for homages to “Rashomon,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” and “A Christmas Carol.” A car horn or other random noise will never be used to cleverly disguise naughty words. We will never have a character enter a scene if it reminds us of Lenny and Squiggy. Pop culture reference jokes are cheap, easy and date the show. We will not do them. There will be no pedantic, socially conscious stories. No matter how poignant the moment, we will never broadcast our studio audience going, “ahhh.” Similarly, no matter how titillating the moment, we will never broadcast our studio audience going “wooo!” If we see “it” coming we assume you see “it” coming and will therefore do our utmost to avoid “it.” No fat jokes (unless they’re really, really funny). The same goes for penis jokes. And finally, unless Chuck gets hit by a bus and Lee takes over, there will be no whacky scenes with little people or night-vision goggles. 

S01E01 - Most Chicks Won’t Eat Veal (Pilot)

Scene: Charlie’s bedroom. A woman (Kristin Bauer, credited as Laura) shows him a piece of underwear.

Laura: So, what do you think?

Charlie: Wow. It’s for you, right?

Laura: It’s for both of us. Don’t go away.

Charlie: Don’t worry. There’s not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

The phone rings.  Charlie does not pick it up.

Answering machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Rose is on the phone.

Rose: Listen, you lousy S.O.B. I will not be treated like this. Either you call me, or you are gonna be very, very sorry. I love you, Monkey Man.

Laura: Charlie? Who was that?

Charlie: Damn telemarketers.

Laura: A telemarketer who calls you Monkey Man?

Charlie: I’m on some weird list. Okay, it’s a woman I went out with once and she got a little clingy.

Laura: You are a bad, bad boy.

Charlie: And yet, you’re always the one getting spanked.

The phone rings again. Charlie does not pick it up.

Charlie: Jeez.

Answering machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Alan: Charlie, it’s Alan. Your brother. No big deal, just wanted to touch base. My wife threw me out, and I’m kind of losing the will to live. So, when you get a chance, I’d really love to—oh, I don’t know…

Charlie picks up.

Charlie: Oh, hey, Alan, I’m sorry to hear about that. So, where are you gonna go, to a hotel? [Sees his date come out of the bathroom] Wow. [To Alan] Well, yeah, I guess you could stay here. Okay. I’ll see you when you get here. [To woman] We better hurry.

Alan opens the door.

Alan: Oh, is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her.

Opening sequence.

Scene: the living room.

Alan: Twelve years, and she just throws me out. I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows? You know, “Till death do us part.” Who died? Not me. Not her.

Charlie: How did you get in my house?

Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it’s among other rocks. Not sitting on your welcome mat.

Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it’s impossible to find when you’re drunk.

Alan: You know, I’m a good husband. I’m faithful.

Charlie: Is she?

Alan: Is she what?

Charlie: Faithful.

Alan: Don’t be ridiculous. Judith doesn’t even like sex. I mean, all she kept saying was she feels suffocated, you know? She kept going on and on, “I’m suffocating, I’m suffocating.” What does that mean, you know? Has a woman ever said that to you?

Charlie: Well, yeah. But not a woman who doesn’t like sex.

Alan: And Jake. This could just destroy Jake.

Charlie: Jake?

Alan: My son.

Charlie: Oh, yeah, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.

Alan: He’s 10.

Laura walks down the stairs.

Laura: Charlie, I’m going to go.

Charlie: No…

Laura: You two need to talk. I’ll call you tomorrow. [To Alan] I’m sorry to hear about you and your wife.

Charlie: Oh, come on, you leaving isn’t gonna bring them back together again.

She leaves.

Alan: Look, okay, this is just until things settle out. A couple of days max. She will come to her senses.

Charlie: Yeah. That’s what women do. Look, you can have the guest room. I’ll grab some sheets.

Alan: Oh, that’s okay. I brought my own.

Charlie: You brought your own sheets?

Alan: I like my sheets.

Charlie: Okay, then, good night.

Alan: No, no, wait, wait! I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other.

Charlie: What do you want to talk about, Alan?

Alan: I don’t know, um… I was named Chiropractor of the Year by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association.

Charlie: Okay, then. Good night.

Alan: No, no, Charlie, Charlie, what about you? What’s, uh, what’s going on with you?

Charlie: Well, Alan, there’s not much to say. I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don’t ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach, and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck.

Alan: Huh. Okay, then. Good night, Charlie.

Charlie: Good night.

Rose appears on the window.

Rose: Good night, Monkey Man.

Scene: Charlie’s bedroom. He is in bed. He sees Jake as he opens his eyes.

Jake: Boy, is your eye red.

Charlie: You should see it from in here. What are you doing here, Jake?

Jake: My mom brought me. Will you take me swimming in the ocean?

Charlie: Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?

Jake: Why is your head exploding?

Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.

Charlie gets up.

Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?

Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.

Jake: You have to put $1 in the swear jar. You said “ass.”

Charlie: Tell you what, here’s $20. That should cover me ‘til lunch.

Scene: the living room. Judith and Alan are sitting.

Alan: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don’t like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.

Judith: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.

Alan: Okay, that would probably go on the “don’t” side.

Charlie and Jake are coming down.

Charlie: Why would I lie? The ocean is closed today.

Judith: For God’s sake, do you think you could put some pants on?

Charlie: Look at me, Judy. I could barely make it down the stairs.

Alan: Charlie, could you and Jake, uh…

Charlie: Yeah, come on, kid, we’ll have breakfast out on the deck.

Jake: I already had breakfast.

Charlie: Okay, we’ll have lunch.

Jake: It’s not lunchtime.

Charlie looks at Alan and motions an explosion.

Jake: That’s his head exploding.

Charlie and Jake leave.

Alan: Judith, I can change.

Judith: Please, Alan. You are the most rigid, inflexible, obsessive, anal-retentive man I’ve ever met.

Alan: “Rigid” and “inflexible?” Don’t you think that’s a little redundant?

Scene: the deck. Charlie pours himself Corona beer into a glass of tomato juice.

Jake: My mom and dad are splitting up.

Charlie: Yeah, looks that way. You’re lucky. When I was your age, I could only dream about my parents splitting up.

Jake: Your mom is my grandma.

Charlie: Yup.

Jake: Grandma says you’re a bitter disappointment.

Alan opens the door.

Alan: Hey, sport, your mom wants to say goodbye.

Jake leaves.

Alan: Listen, he doesn’t know anything about what’s going on, so let’s just keep this to ourselves.

Charlie: Our little secret. Why is she saying goodbye to him?

Alan: Oh, well, she’s gonna be spending the weekend with her sister in Vegas. So, we decided that Jake would stay with me.

Charlie: With you?

Alan: Well, with us.

Jake walks back in.

Jake: I’m hungry.

Alan: Is this gonna be a problem?

Charlie: I guess not.

Alan: Thanks. Oh, hey, listen, I’ve gotta call my office. Would you mind making him lunch?

Charlie: Sure.

Alan: Thanks.

Alan leaves.

Charlie: What are you smiling about?

Jake: You don’t have any food.

Charlie: Yeah, but I’m not the one who’s hungry. Who’s smiling now, shorty?

Scene: a supermarket.

Charlie: You drink milk?

Jake: Just with cereal.

Charlie: Okay.

Charlie takes a milk carton from a shelf.

Jake: Not that milk. [Pointing] That milk.

Charlie: What’s the difference?

Jake: That’s Dairy Farm. We drink Dairy Barn.

Charlie: Fine. [Takes Dairy Barn] Happy?

Jake: Why would I be happy? It’s just milk.

Charlie: Cute. Keep it up, you’ll be on one of the cartons. [They move along to another aisle] Okay, cereal. We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes, Maple Loops…

Jake: I want Maple Loops. [Singing] It’s got oat and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat…

Charlie and Jake singing together: It’s maple-maple-maple-licious!

Charlie: You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that.

Jake: No lie?

Charlie: Kid, if I was gonna lie, I’d say I wrote Stairway to Heaven, not the Maple Loops song.

An attractive, young woman (Jennifer Taylor, credited as Suzanne, despite being later cast in the role of Chelsea), hears them sing and approaches them.

Suzanne: You two are really good together.

Charlie: Thank you.

Suzanne: So, does your wife sing, too?

Charlie: Oh, no, I’m not married.

Suzanne: What a shame.

She leaves.

Charlie: Wow. [To Jake] You’re even better than a dog.

Scene: the living room. Alan is on the phone.

Alan: Dr. Bloom? Yes, yes, this is, uh, Alan Harper. Yeah, my wife and I need to cancel our marriage counseling appointment for this afternoon. Yes, well, well, something came up. Well, it’s kind of personal. I mean… Well, yeah, I know the point of these things is… I’ve gotta go.

Rose knocks on the glass door.

Alan: Hello?

Rose: Is Charlie home?

Alan: No. I’m Charlie’s brother.

Alan opens the door.

Alan: Can I help you?

Rose enters the living room.

Rose: Oh, hi, Charlie’s brother. I’m Rose. I’m Charlie’s housekeeper.

Alan: So, you’re a housekeeper?

Rose: Oh, housekeeper/actress/hand model. I just do this to keep the wolf from the door. [Growls loudly] You know what I mean?

Alan: Sure, sure. Come on in.

Rose: Oh… Yeah, I can smell him.

Alan: Smell who?

Rose: Your brother. He has a very musky scent.

Alan: Uh-huh. Well, I’ll just, uh… Let you get to work.

Rose: Oh, wait. [She sniffs him] Oh. No, it’s okay.

Scene: the kitchen. Charlie and Jake come in from the garage.

Jake (singing): It’s got oat and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest maple treat, it’s maple-maple…

Charlie: Jake, buddy! Take a break!

Alan enters.

Alan: What took you so long?

Jake: We stopped for ice cream because I’m a babe magnet. Gotta take a squirt.

Jake runs out.

Charlie: Why do you assume he learned that from me?

Alan: Because I learned it from you.

Charlie: Hey, thanks for cleaning up.

Alan: No, it wasn’t me. Rose was here.

Charlie: Rose? You let Rose into my house?

Alan: She said she was your maid.

Charlie: Ah, hell, she glued the damn cabinets shut again.

Alan: “Again?” You’ve got somebody who comes in regularly to glue your cabinets?

Charlie: You’ve met some of the whack jobs I’ve gone out with. It’s not that big a stretch.

Alan: Oh, oh, so, this is my fault?

Charlie: Who let her in?

Alan: You’re a deeply disturbed man, you know? Move it, move it. Come on.

Charlie: Oh, I’m deeply disturbed? Who showed up here in the middle of the night with his own sheets?

Alan: Oh, hey, at least I care what I sleep on. Or should I say “who” I sleep on.

Charlie: Hey, pal, of the two of us, I’ll bet I’m the only one who’s slept with a married woman recently.

Evelyn walks in from the living room.

Evelyn: And isn’t that something to brag about?

Alan, who is trying to unglue the cabinet doors, sees her and falls down.

Charlie: Hi, Mom.

“‘Rigid’ and ‘inflexible?’ Don’t you think that’s a little redundant?”

Scene: the living room. Alan and Charlie are sitting. Evelyn is standing in front of them.

Evelyn: Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to hear about your own son’s divorce on the street?

Alan: What divorce? What street?

Charlie: How did you get in my house?

Evelyn: You stay out of this. I’m here to help your brother through a very difficult time. [To Alan] How could you do this to me?

Alan: Do what?

Evelyn: Now when I want to see my grandson I am going to have to make an appointment with Judith, who, let’s face it, was never very warm to me. And what if there’s another man there? Shacking up with her? Have you even stopped to consider that?

Charlie: I think he’s considering it now, Mom.

Jake enters.

Jake: Here’s your iced tea, Grandma.

Evelyn: Oh, thank you, my little angel. [Sees the glass] Oh, darling, I asked for a lemon wedge.

Jake returns to the kitchen.

Judith: All right. Here’s what you’re going to do. You and Jake will come live with me. After all, I’m just rattling around in that big house all by myself.

Alan: Mom, that’s very considerate, but as soon as Judith and I work things out, I’m going to be back at my own house.

Evelyn: Oh, sweetheart, grow up. Think about what I said. You’re my son, and I’ll always have room for you in my house and in my heart.

Alan: I love you, too, Mom.

She looks at Charlie.

Charlie: I love you, too, Mom.

Evelyn: Too little, too late.

Scene: restaurant. Alan and Judith are having dinner.

Alan: So, Vegas was good?

Judith: It was fine. Alan, I really want to apologize for putting you through this. I was wrong to blame you for my unhappiness.

Alan: No, no need to apologize. What’s important is that we’re here and we’re working on our marriage. You look great, by the way. Must be all the extra oxygen they pump into the casinos.

Judith: Alan…

Alan: And—and—and you were right. I see now that the time apart did us both a lot of good. I know I’ve grown. I’m not that suffocating guy you threw out of the house four and a half days ago, let me tell you that.

Judith: Alan…

Alan: And Jake’s doing fine. I know you were concerned about him being around my brother, but it turns out Charlie’s great with kids…

Scene: Charlie’s kitchen. He is playing poker with Mike (Tom Wilson), Rodney (Frankie Jay Allison), Doug (Eddie Gorodetsky), Ken (Don Foster), and Eugene Byrd (Lenny).

Mike: All right, last card, down and dirty. King’s bet.

Rodney: $1.

Ken: I’m in.

Doug: In.

Charlie: I’ll see $1 and raise it $5.

Jake: You raised $5 on that?

All: I call.

Charlie: Queens, full of nines.

Lenny: Hey kid, don’t you know what a full house is?

Jake: Yeah. And I also know what a psych-out is.

Charlie: I love this boy.

Scene: Alan and Judith at the restaurant.

Alan: And I think that we’re gonna look back on this as a new beginning for our marriage. A rebirth. A renaissance, if you will.

Judith: Alan, I think I’m gay.

Alan: All right. We’ll make a list. On one side, we’ll put gay stuff…

Scene: the poker table. This time, Jake is playing instead of Charlie.

Rodney: I’ll see you and raise you $20.

Charlie: I think he’s got you, pal.

Jake (quietly, to Charlie): He’s bluffing. He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.

Rodney: How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?

Charlie: Take him down.

Jake: Call you.

Rodney: I hate this kid.

Alan arrives.

Alan: What the hell is going on here?

Jake: You said “hell.”

Charlie: Throw $1 in the pot.

Alan: What?

Mike: Hey, we all had to.

Alan: Charlie, may I speak with you privately, please?

They move toward the deck.

Jake: Whose deal is it?

Alan: Jake, go to bed!

Jake: I’m out.

Alan and Charlie are at the deck.

Alan: What is wrong with you? Are you insane? Do you have any sense of right and wrong?

Charlie: Probably not. How was dinner?

Alan: How could you put Jake in a poker game with grown men?

Charlie: I obviously can’t be trusted. So, how was dinner?

Alan: I leave you alone with him for a couple of hours…

Charlie: I’m just gonna keep asking, Alan.

Alan: Dinner was swell. We both had the veal piccata and she’s gay!

Charlie: Wow. Most chicks won’t eat veal.

Alan: Why do I even try talking to you?

Charlie: Oh, come on, I’m just trying to get you to lighten up a little.

Alan: I don’t need to lighten up. The world I live in is dark. Dark and rainy. And you’re useless in it!

Charlie: Oh, really? I wasn’t useless when you needed a place to stay.

Alan: Well, obviously that was a mistake.

Charlie: Are you sure? Maybe we should make a list.

Scene: the living room. Charlie is playing a mellow tune in the piano. Jake walks in.

Jake: Uncle Charlie?

Charlie: What’s going on? Can’t sleep?

Jake: No. My dad says we’re moving to Grandma’s tomorrow.

Charlie: Yeah, that’d keep me up. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you won $80 on that last hand.

Jake: $85.

Charlie: $80. The house gets a cut.

Jake: I wish my dad was as cool as you.

Charlie: Hey, don’t sell your dad short. He loves you more than anything in the world. You know that, don’t you?

Jake: I guess. How come you don’t have any kids?

Charlie: I don’t know. Maybe because I love me more than anything in the world.

Jake: Uncle Charlie?

Charlie: Yeah?

Jake: I don’t wanna go to Grandma’s. I’d rather stay here.

Charlie: Yeah, well, your dad knows what’s best for you.

Jake: Okay. Good night, Uncle Charlie. I love you.

Charlie: Yeah. Okay.

Scene: Charlie’s bedroom. He’s in bed with Laura.

Charlie: You gotta love a kid like that. I even played him Stairway to Heaven and he still liked the Maple Loops song better.

Laura: Charlie, I haven’t seen you in two weeks. You finally got the house back to yourself.  Now, do you wanna talk about your nephew, or do you wanna have sex?

Charlie: Oh, sex, definitely sex.

They start kissing.

Charlie: Let me ask you something.

Laura: Yeah?

Charlie: Do you ever think about having kids?

Laura: Whoa, Charlie! We’ve got a good thing going. Can’t we just leave it at that?

She gets up.

Charlie: What are you doing? I thought we were gonna have sex.

Laura: How am I supposed to have sex while your biological clock is going off?

The phone rings. Charlie does not pick it up.

Answering machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.

Rose: Hi, Monkey Man. I was just thinking about you and wondering why we hurt each other so much.

Charlie picks up.

Charlie: Rose, it’s me, Monkey Man.

Rose: Charlie?

Charlie: Yeah, hey listen, let me ask you a question. Is there something inherently wrong with asking a woman you’re involved with if she wants kids?

Rose: Oh, Charlie, we got a good thing going, why do you wanna mess it up?

Scene: Evelyn’s place. Charlie and Alan are entering the living room.

Charlie: Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now? On a scale of one to… two.

Alan: I’m not back living with Mom. I’m simply staying here ‘til Judith and I work things out.

Charlie: So, one?

Alan: What do you want, Charlie?

Charlie: Well, I figured you’ve been here a couple of weeks, you got to have blood in your stool by now. So, I thought if you and Jake wanted to come back to my place for a while, that that’d be okay.

Alan: Wait a minute, are you saying you want me to come back and live with you?

Charlie: Well, truthfully? No. I want Jake to come back and live with me, but I figure you’re a package deal.

Alan: Thanks, but we’re doing just fine here with Mom.

Charlie: Oh, come on, Alan, we can’t let Jake be exposed to her on any kind of ongoing basis.

Alan: There’s no ongoing basis. He’s only here on weekends.

Charlie: That’s too much. Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an hour! Alan, we’ve got to get him away from her! I mean, look what happened to us.

Evelyn appears.

Evelyn: And what happened to you?

Charlie: Hi, Mom.

Evelyn: Charlie, you’re a grown man. Perhaps it’s time to stop blaming your mother for your own shortcomings? [To Alan] Alan, the divan is not for sitting. [To Charlie] Charlie, get off the couch.

Jake appears.

Jake: Uncle Charlie!

Evelyn: There’s my good boy. And what did I tell you about yelling in the house?

Jake: Grandma, I’m suffocating.

Charlie (to Alan): Sound familiar?

Alan: You’re right, this madness must end.

Charlie: Here, I got you your own key.

Scene: a supermarket. Alan, Charlie, and Jake are strolling down the alleys.

Alan: I am not comfortable with this. I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car.

Charlie: You’re not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.

Alan: I don’t wanna meet women. I’m still married.

Charlie: Come on, your wife’s out meeting chicks, why shouldn’t you?

Jake has a Maple Loops box.

Jake: It’s got oat and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat, it’s maple-maple-maple-licious…

An attractive, young woman (Louisette Geiss, credited as Karen), sees them.

Karen: Your son is just adorable.

Alan: Thank you.

Karen: You and your… life partner must be so proud.

She leaves.

Charlie: You’re right. Go wait in the car.

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #108):

When Dharma was cancelled, my heart was broken. Over the next few years my efforts to mend it by creating a new show led to an even deeper emotional nadir when I noticed that I had somehow become the author of a seemingly endless succession of failed pilots and pilot scripts. This was not a big price (that had already been done by people more incompetent than myself), but my ill-advised attempts at heart-mending were sufficient enough to cause people in suits to not look up from their cobb salads when I ambled into the WB commissary (in Hollywood even has-beens amble). But I was indomitable. I kept writing… and failing… and ambling. And then, about a year ago, my good friend and favorite cross-to-bear, Lee Aronsohn, told me he needed to write something fairly quickly in order to keep his Writer’s Guild health insurance. Everyone—friends, agents, execs—told me not to get involved. They assured me that I was too big, too successful, for such a partnership. You see where this is going. Lee and I wrote “Two and a Half Men.” Which brings me to the glaringly obvious spiritual lessons in all this. How do you mend a broken heart? The BeeGee’s never figured it out, but I did. You help a friend keep their health insurance from lapsing.