S01E06 - Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?

Scene: the den. Jake is watching TV. Alan is in the kitchen. Charlie comes in through the kitchen door carrying sports equipment.

Charlie: Hey.

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie.

Alan: How was your game?

Charlie: Meh. The musicians’ softball league is a joke. Guys trying to catch stuff that isn’t there. People throwing up on an easy double-play ball.

Alan: So why do you go?

Charlie: There is an open bar, and they let me pitch.

Alan: Well, I’ve gotta get dressed. I was gonna throw this toast out, but it’s yours if you want it.

Alan leaves.

Charlie: When did I become the family dog? [Charlie grabs a toast and sees a piece of paper on the kitchen table] Jake, what’s this, a phone message?

Jake: Yeah, some lady called for you.

Charlie: Who? I can’t read your writing.

Jake (reading): “You’re a big selfish jerk.”

Charlie: Okay, I know who this is. Amy. Probably Amy.

Jake: Yup, Amy. She wants you to call her back.

Charlie: Yeah, that’ll happen.

Jake: Why not?

Charlie: Because I never said I’d call her back. Remember this, Jake, never make promises to women that you don’t intend to keep. And you know how you do that?

Jake: Always keep my promises?

Charlie: That might work. A better way is, never make promises.

Jake: What happens if Amy calls again?

Charlie: Okay, I’m glad you asked that. When the phone rings in Uncle Charlie’s house, we don’t just willy-nilly pick up the receiver and answer it. No. What we do is, we check the caller ID, and only pick up if we wanna talk to that person.

Jake: Like Mom?

Charlie: That depends. Your mom, yes. My mom, no.

Jake: How come you don’t wanna talk to your mom?

Charlie: I’ll tell you all about that when you are old enough to drink.

Jake: What if I want to talk to your mom?

Charlie: Okay, that kind of attitude is gonna break down the whole system.

Opening sequence.

Scene: the house. Charlie is sitting out on the deck. Inside, the phone is ringing. Alan is coming in from the kitchen and takes the receiver. Jake runs from his room.

Jake: Dad, no! Don’t pick up the phone!

Alan: Why not?

Jake: It might be your mom. Or a woman. [Sees the number on the caller ID] It’s Amy again. She just won’t give up.

Alan: Charlie! [Opens the door to the deck] Look, I appreciate your need for privacy, but I think you’re sending a bad message to my son about how to deal with women.

Charlie: How so?

Alan: He thinks it’s okay to avoid somebody because the conversation might be uncomfortable. [Charlie does not interact with him] Charlie. Okay, that’s not funny.

Charlie: Look, if I am teaching the kid anything, it’s honesty.

Alan: Really? Walk me through the lesson, Charlie. Educate me.

Charlie: Okay. I tell women upfront I’m not looking for a long-term relationship. If they don’t believe me, or they’re determined to change my mind, I have a right to avoid that conversation. And the phone company obviously agrees with me; otherwise, they wouldn’t have invented caller ID.

Jake walks to the deck.

Jake: Uncle Charlie, what if somebody you don’t want to talk to comes over instead of calls?

Charlie: Just tell them I’m not here.

Jake (shouting): He’s not here, Grandma!

Scene: Charlie is following Evelyn into the kitchen. Alan and Jake follow them.

Charlie: Mom, you just surprised me. You should have called first.

Evelyn: Charlie, I call constantly. You screen like an Olympic drug tester.

Alan: I’m happy to see you, Mom.

Evelyn: I don’t believe you, sweetheart, but at least you care enough to lie.

Charlie: Hey, I care enough to lie. You just caught me off guard. So, what are you doing here?

Evelyn: Well, I’m showing a house up the beach, and I thought, while I’m in the neighborhood, I would drop off a gift for my grandson.

Alan: You’re writing him a check? What kind of gift is that?

Evelyn: You told me he likes transformer toys. This check transforms into any toy he wants.

Evelyn gives Jake a check.

Jake: Wow! Thanks, Grandma!

Evelyn: Is that all? Don’t I get a hug? [They hug] Your grandma loves you so, so, so much. [Looks at her watch] Oh! Grandma’s gotta go to work. Nobody just gives her checks. [Snaps her fingers at Charlie and Alan] Walk me.

They walk toward the front door.

Evelyn: In case you’re at all interested, I’ve been seeing a man, and… he just may be the one.

Alan: Hey, five times’s a charm.

Evelyn: Four.

Alan: But what about the guy…

Evelyn: That was annulled.

Charlie: Oh, boy! Are we going to have a new daddy?

Evelyn: Oh, bite me, Charlie. Now, I’d like to have a dinner at the house so you boys can meet him. What night is good for you?

Alan: Uh, what night do you want us?

Evelyn: Uh, uh, uh, I asked you first!

They start mumbling as if trying to find a good date or a good excuse.

Alan: Uh, well, Jake’s here weekends, it’s Thursday… Check my calendar…

Charlie: …don’t really want to…

Evelyn: Tomorrow night, 7 o’clock. It’s very important to me, and I hope you can make it. But I’ll certainly understand if you are too busy for your mother.

Evelyn leaves.

Alan: You know what she’s trying to do, don’t you?

Charlie: Of course I know.

Alan: But maybe one of us should go.

Charlie: Oh, sure. You go, I look bad.

Alan: What do you care?

Charlie: I don’t care.

Alan: Then don’t go.

Charlie: I’m not going.

Alan: I’m not going, either.

Scene: Evelyn’s house. Charlie, Alan, and Jake are arriving at the dinner party.

Charlie: I’m not staying.

Alan: We’ll eat, we’ll go.

Charlie: No coffee, no dessert.

Alan: We can’t be rude.

Jake rings the doorbell.

Charlie: Watch me. I refuse to let that woman…

Evelyn opens the door.

Charlie: Hi, Mom.

Evelyn: Better late than never.

Alan: We’re right on time.

Evelyn: I was referring to the big picture.

Jake: Hi, Grandma.

Evelyn: And look, you brought Jake to meet my new beau. Come here, sweetheart. Now, tonight you and I are gonna play a game. And the name of the game is, “Don’t call me Grandma.”

Jake: What kind of game is that?

Evelyn: It’s a fun game, honey. It only has one rule: you have to call me “Evelyn.”

Jake: Okay.

Evelyn: Try it.

Jake: Evelyn.

Evelyn: See? We’re having fun already. [Jake enters the house] Oh, look, you didn’t bring wine. Good. Too many people bring wine.

They all move to the living room, where Evelyn’s “beau” (Madison Mason) is standing.

Evelyn: Tommy, darling, I’d like you to meet my sons. This is Charlie.

Tommy: Charlie.

Charlie: Hi, Tommy. How are you?

Evelyn: Alan.

Alan: Hello.

Tommy: Alan, hi.

Evelyn: And this is Jake.

Jake: Yes, I am, Evelyn.

Evelyn (quietly): Let’s not beat it to death, okay?

Tommy: Good to meet you, Jake.

As a woman walks into the room, Charlie looks scared.

Evelyn: Oh, there you are. Boys, this is Tommy’s daughter, Olivia.

Olivia: Hello, Charlie.

Charlie: Hi there, stranger.

Tommy: Do you two know each other?

Olivia: I thought I knew him.

Evelyn: Oh, no. Okay, who would like a drink? I would like a drink. Charlie, come help me make the drinks. Alan, talk to Olivia. Alan was a cesarean.

Evelyn and Charlie move to the bar on the other side of the room, where they cannot be heard.

Alan: It—It wasn’t, uh, medically necessary. She just… had a function to go to.

Evelyn (to Charlie): Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?

Charlie: Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn’t, she got a little upset. [Looks over his shoulder and sees Olivia staring angrily at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy, and I’m—I’m very happy for you. Good night.

Charlie turns around as if to leave.

Evelyn: Charles! [Charlie stops] You are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.

Charlie: Hey! She wasn’t exactly “filed” when I met her.

Tommy (to Alan): I’ll tell you, you don’t know how lucky you are to have a mother like Evelyn. She is the warmest, most affectionate, giving woman I’ve ever known.

Alan: That’s my mom.

Jake (quietly): Call her Evelyn. That is the game.

Alan: You play your game, I’ll play mine.

Evelyn rejoins the party.

Evelyn: Here we are.

Tommy: There’s my little karaoke cupcake.

Evelyn: Oh, Tommy, you are not telling that story! We took one of those little cruises to Alaska. Glaciers and whales, I didn’t quite see the point of it all. But during the evening there was this karaoke competition. And, as you know, I’m no stranger to the stage…

Alan: Yes, Mom, I know.

Olivia: Excuse me.

“Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?”

Evelyn watches worriedly as Olivia walks toward the bar, where Charlie is still standing.

Evelyn: Well… Anyway, you know how I’ve always sung These Boots Are Made for Walking, with my little dance routine…

Alan: Yes, Mom. I have it on my wedding video.

Olivia (to Charlie): So, how’ve you been?

Charlie: Oh, you know…

Olivia: No, I don’t know, Charlie. When people don’t return your calls, it’s kinda hard to know how they’ve been.

Charlie: Okay, look, I know this is an awkward coincidence…

Olivia: It’s no coincidence. When my father told me who he was dating, I made a point of being here.

Charlie: Oh. Well, you can’t argue with the “awkward” part, huh?

Evelyn: So, I’m zipping up my boots, and I am about to go onstage when this hausfrau from “Tone-Deaf, Texas,” gets up and starts singing my song. I think you can imagine how unhappy I was.

Olivia (to Charlie, raising her voice): Don’t tell me to calm down. You lied to me.

Charlie: I did not lie to you. And you could have told me this on the phone.

Olivia: You never answer your phone!

Charlie: Of course not! Who wants to have this conversation?

Evelyn (distracted by Olivia and Charlie’s argument): So, um… I—I sidled up to the woman and—and really, very smoothly turned it into a duet when suddenly she starts pushing me.

Olivia: You said I was very special to you.

Charlie: You were.

Olivia: Yeah. Me and three other women.

Charlie: I said you were special, not unique.

Olivia: Drop dead, you bastard.

She throws her drink in Charlie’s face and storms out.

Tommy: Excuse me.

Tommy follows Olivia out. Evelyn stares angrily at him.

Charlie: In my defense… Ah, screw it.

Jake: Finish the story, Evelyn. Did you push her back?

Scene: the next week at Charlie’s house. He enters through the kitchen door, carrying sports equipment again. Alan is in the kitchen.

Charlie: Stupid musicians’ league. I don’t know why I bother. Get this: tie score, we’re down to our last out. Our best hitter, Billy Kresky, is up. The bases are loaded, and so is Kresky. His whole family is standing behind the backstop, crying and pleading, “go back to rehab, Daddy, we love you!” Needless to say, he choked.

Alan: Charlie, I think we’ve got a bigger problem. Our mother is missing.

Charlie: Oh, don’t try to cheer me up.

Alan: I’m serious. I called her home, her car, her cell, nothing.

Charlie: Did you check with the captain of the flying monkeys?

Alan: Charlie!

Charlie: She’s probably just sulking because I screwed up her dinner party last week.

Alan: That’s what I thought, too. Except, I called her office and they haven’t heard from her either.

Charlie: Okay, that’s weird.

Alan: Yeah. I think somebody needs to go over there and make sure she’s okay.

Charlie: Good idea. You do that and I’ll stay here in case she calls.

Alan: Well, why don’t you go and I’ll stay here in case she calls?

Charlie: No, I gotta be honest, I like my idea better.

Alan: Well, I’m not going there alone.

Charlie: I’m not going at all.

Scene: Evelyn’s house. Charlie and Alan are arriving.

Charlie: What do you wanna bet she ran off to Vegas to marry this Tommy guy?

Alan: Hey, if that’s all this is, great. [Rings the doorbell] The only downside would be that you slept with our stepsister.

Charlie: Oh. Hadn’t thought of that. Kinda sexy.

Alan: Kinda sick.

Charlie: I’m saying. Look, there’s no one here. Let’s go.

Alan: No, no, I wanna take a look.

Alan takes a key from his keychain and opens the door.

Charlie: You have a key?

Alan: I’m the good son.

They enter the house. The lights are down.

Alan: Mom?

Charlie: Okay, she’s not here. Let’s go.

Alan turns on the lights, only to reveal Evelyn sitting there by herself, with a drink and a cigarette in her hands.

Charlie: Okay, she’s here. Let’s go.

Alan: Charlie. [To Evelyn] Mom, are you all right? Why haven’t you been answering the phone?

Evelyn: I didn’t wanna burden anyone with my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.

Alan: Tommy died?

Evelyn: Well, he’s dead to me.

Charlie (reluctantly): Okay, what happened?

Evelyn: He dumped me.

Charlie: Mom, I’m sorry, but the thing between me and his daughter happened years before you even met the guy.

Evelyn: This has nothing to do with you, Charlie. God, you’re a narcissist. No, Tommy left me for some fresh-faced, 45-year-old bimbo.

Alan: I’m sorry, Mom. I know he meant a lot to you.

Charlie: Yeah, I’m sorry, too.

Evelyn: Thank you, Alan. Nice try, Charlie. Now if you’ll both please leave, I’d like to be alone.

Charlie: We understand.

Alan (quietly): Charlie, wait! We can’t just leave her here.

Charlie: Fine. Where do you wanna leave her?

Alan: Hey, mom, why don’t you come back and stay at Charlie’s house for a few days? How’s that?

Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out.

Evelyn: Don’t worry, Charlie. I have no desire to impose on your life.

Charlie: Appreciate it. All right then, chin up.

Alan: You sure, Mom?

Evelyn: Yes. Thank you, Alan.

Alan: Okay.

They start making their way out.

Evelyn: Oh, God!

Charlie: So close.

Scene: Charlie’s house. Evelyn is sitting out on the deck, wearing black clothes and dark sunglasses. Charlie and Alan watch her from the living room.

Charlie: How long is she gonna sit out there?

Alan: I don’t know. I’ve never seen her this depressed. Somebody’s gotta go out there and show her a little love and support.

Charlie and Alan: Jake?

Jake comes in from the kitchen.

Jake: Yeah?

Alan: Why don’t you go out and talk to Grandma?

Jake: Why?

Alan: Because she’s a little lonely.

Jake: She’s your mom.

Alan: Don’t sass me. Go talk to Grandma.

Jake goes out to the deck.

Jake: Hi, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Oh, please, sweetheart, call me Grandma.

Jake: But what about the game?

Evelyn: Games are for children, Jake.

Jake: You know, uncle Charlie got me a metal detector and sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.

Evelyn: That’s nice. But, you know, that cool stuff is stuff that other people lost and will never get back. Trinkets and treasures buried beneath the lonely sands of time.

Jake: Yeah, but “finders, keepers,” right?

Evelyn: And “losers, weepers.”

Alan (to Charlie): He’s getting killed out there.

Charlie: It’s all right, he’s not crying yet.

Alan: Somebody needs to go out there and back him up.

Charlie: $10 says it’s not me.

Alan opens the door.

Alan: Hey, what’s going on with you two…

Jake literally runs past them toward his room.

Alan (apologetically): The kid’s got a bladder the size of a pea.

Evelyn: You were a bed wetter, if I recall.

Alan: You know what Jake would really get a kick out of? If you could sing while Charlie played the piano.

Evelyn: Oh, no, no, Alan, I couldn’t. Besides, Charlie always hated that.

Alan: Are you kidding? It was his idea.

Scene: later that same evening. Charlie is playing These Boots Are Made for Walking on the piano while Evelyn performs a singing and dancing number.

Evelyn: These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you… Pick it up, Charlie. We’re walking, not crawling. Are you ready, boots? Start walking.

Evelyn finishes the dance move as the song ends. Alan and Jake clap their hands.

Alan (to Jake): Okay, now.

Jake: One more time!

Evelyn: One, two, one, two, three… You keep sayin’ you’ve got something…

Scene: the middle of the night. Charlie walks down the stairs and sees Evelyn out on the deck.

Charlie: Mom? You okay?

Evelyn (weeping): Yeah, go back to bed, Charlie.

Charlie: No, I’m up. Hard to sleep after a big show.

Evelyn: Thank you for that. Brought back some nice memories.

Charlie: You still got some chops, Mom.

Evelyn: You were rushing the tempo towards the end there.

Charlie: Sorry, I always get a little carried away when you do the James Brown medley.

Evelyn: Oh, Charlie. Your mother’s a real sad case, isn’t she?

Charlie: You’ll get over him. There’s other guys.

Evelyn: He never even called. Never even said goodbye.

Charlie: Maybe… Maybe he was scared.

Evelyn: Of what? I knew there were no promises, no strings. That doesn’t mean there can’t be common courtesy. To think I meant that little to him?

Charlie: It’ll be okay, Mom. Hey, you still got me and Alan.

Evelyn: Oh, Charlie, please. I know how difficult things are between us. Maybe it’s my fault.

Charlie: It’s not all your fault. I probably haven’t been the best son. I just want you to know that, in my way, I want you to be happy, and… I love you.

Evelyn: Well, I guess I’ll go pack.

Charlie: Why?

Evelyn: Oh, I’m going home.

Charlie: In the middle of the night?

Evelyn: Charlie, you just said you loved me. You could only screw it up from here.

Scene: the living room. Charlie is playing the piano again. Evelyn is sitting on it. Jake and Alan are sitting on a chair, looking tired.

Evelyn: Oh, my darling, I love you, and I always will…

Jake (waking up): Donkey Kong!

Alan (correcting him): “Danke Schön.”

Jake: “Danke Schön!”

Evelyn: “Danke Schön!” B flat. One, two, three…

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #111):

This is the official “I have nothing worth writing about” vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don’t be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when your schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I’m empty, I’ll simply say, “Run one eleven.” A check of the one hundred and ten cards I’ve already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn’t I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well… I’m just that kind of guy. But I’m older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Governor Schwarzenegger.

S01E05 - The Last Thing You Want is to Wind Up with a Hump

Scene: the living room. Charlie is seen opening the door. He is dressed sloppily and appears to be hungover.

Charlie: Never mix tequila and scotch.

Jake runs up behind him.

Jake: Morning, uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Hey! Jake, buddy!

Jake: Dad said you’d never get up to go to soccer with me. But I said, “yuh-huh, he promised,” so he was wrong, ha-ha.

Jake runs out and Charlie lies on the couch.

Charlie: Yeah, ha-ha. Wait, what?

Alan enters and sees Charlie in his tuxedo.

Alan: Uh, you know, most of the parents wear shorts and lots of sunscreen, but that’s another way to go.

Charlie: Alan, I can’t go to a soccer game. I just got home from Vegas.

Alan: You went out last night to return a video.

Charlie: Yeah, but I ran into a friend of mine who was getting married at the Bellagio.

Alan: Ah, that explains the tuxedo.

Charlie looks down and realizes he is wearing a tuxedo.

Charlie: No, I think this was for something else entirely.

Alan: Well, I’m sure I’ll read about it in the paper. Anyway, I am the Soccer Snack Buddy this week, so I’ve gotta stop at the grocery store. Why don’t you ride to the game with Jake when the van gets here, huh?

Charlie: I got a better idea. Why don’t I go upstairs, throw up and sleep in my clothes for 12 hours?

Alan: Fine, but if you’re not gonna come, you gotta tell Jake yourself.

Charlie: Fine. He’ll understand. Hey, Jake?

Jake: I got new cleats.

Charlie: Nice. Uh, listen, Jake, buddy. Have you ever been to Vegas?

Scene: a soccer mom van. Charlie is sitting among five other children. The mother of one of them (Christine Dunford, credited as Gloria) is driving.

Gloria: So you’re the infamous Uncle Charlie. I’ve heard about you.

Opening sequence.

Scene: Gloria opens the van door.

Gloria: Everybody out. Watch your heads. One at a time.

Jake: Party time! Come on!

As the kids leave, Gloria enters the car again and closes the door.

Gloria: So here’s the deal, Uncle Charlie. I find you attractive. I have three kids, a bastard of an ex-husband, I work 50 hours a week running my own travel agency, I’m at the peak of my sexuality, and I have a three-hour window Wednesday nights when the kids are at tae kwon do. You in or out?

Charlie: I’m sorry, I’m terminally hungover and I just took a cleat in the groin.

Gloria (handing Charlie a business card): Email me. allaboardgloria@aol.com.

Scene: the soccer game. Charlie is on a bleacher bench wearing sunglasses. The noise makes him cringe. One of the moms (Tricia O’Kelley, credited as Brooke) tries striking up a conversation with him.

Brooke: So, which one’s yours?

Charlie: Please don’t make me talk.

Gloria: This is Charlie Harper. Alan Harper’s brother.

Charlie: So, who’s winning?

Brooke: No one. No, we don’t keep score. We think it’s healthier if the kids just play for fun.

Charlie: You’re yanking me, right?

Mom: Yeah, Judith warned us that you were a pistol. By the way, we were so sorry to hear about her and Alan.

Gloria: So, tell us, is it true? Did Judith leave your brother for another woman?

Charlie: Why don’t you ask Judith?

Mom: We wouldn’t wanna pry.

Charlie finds Alan, who has just arrived with snacks.

Charlie: Ladies, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go because… ah, hell, I don’t need a reason.

Charlie gets up and leaves.

Mom: Someone’s a little full of himself.

Gloria: Forget him. His brother’s the one who’s in play.

Alan: How’s Jake doing?

Charlie: Jake’s fine. He’s 10. He’s got his whole life ahead of him. Me, on the other hand, I’m sitting in the hot sun, in rented pants listening to myself blink.

Alan: I’ll ask somebody else.

As Alan leaves, another soccer mom, who is sitting nearby (Liz Vassey, credited as Kate), laughs at Charlie.

Charlie: What?

Kate: Sorry. I couldn’t help overhearing, and you just look so… pathetic.

Charlie: Really? The guy at the tux shop said I looked dashing. Of course, that was yesterday. And I found his phone number in my pocket.

Kate: What was the occasion?

Charlie: Just… returning a video. [He sits by her side] Charlie Harper.

They shake hands.

Kate: Kate McLaughlin.

Charlie: Let me ask you something, Kate McLaughlin. What’s your take on this whole no-keeping-score thing?

Kate: Oh, I think it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. 

Charlie: Can I stay here next to you, where it’s safe?

Kate: Sure. So, which one’s yours?

Charlie: Uh, number nine. But I’m not the father.

Kate: Well, aren’t you a good sport?

Scene: the house. Jake, Alan, and Charlie are entering through the kitchen door.

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody “got creamed.” No one won, no one lost.

Jake: Yeah. Except for us. 12-2.

Charlie: Well, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose. It’s whether or not you beat the spread.

Alan: Thank you, Charlie. Jake, go take a shower.

Jake leaves.

Alan: Charlie, we are trying to teach the kids not to keep score.

Charlie: Well, you should’ve thought of that before you taught them to count. By the way, what are you doing with Jake tomorrow?

Alan: I don’t know, why?

Charlie: I made a play date for him with one of the kids from the game.

Alan: You’re hitting on the mother, aren’t you?

Charlie: Can’t slip one past you, can I?

Alan: That’s not what a playdate is for.

Charlie: What? The kid plays, I have a date. Everybody wins.

Alan: Everybody wins?

Charlie: Yes. But I promise not to keep score.

Alan: Charlie, you cannot use my son to pick up single mothers.

Charlie: Ah, but I can. Good night, Snack Buddy.

Scene: the next day, on the deck. Kate has brought over her son (Zachary Polmanteer, credited as Ernie) and is listing the playdate rules.

Kate: No going in the water, no throwing rocks, and remember, if you can’t see us, we can’t see you. Is there anything you’d like to add, Charlie?

Charlie: Why can’t they throw rocks?

Kate (to the kids): Go.

The kids run out.

Kate: Ernie loves the beach. Thanks for inviting him.

Charlie: Hey, anything for the kids. They’re our future.

Kate: So, where’s Alan?

Charlie: I sent him to the movies. He deserves a break now and then, and I get some quality uncle time with Jake.

Kate: I think that is really nice of y… [To Ernie down at the beach] Ernie, keep your socks with your shoes. [To Charlie] I’m sorry, where was I?

Charlie: You were saying I was nice about something. So, how long have you lived in Sherman Oaks?

Kate: Gosh, we moved in and… [To Ernie] Ernie, put that down, it’s dead! [To Charlie] I swear that kid will pick up anything, no matter what it looks like.

Charlie: Been there.

Kate: Anyway, uh, we moved in just in time for the earthquake, and… [To Ernie] Ernie, I am not gonna say it again. Put the dead thing down!

Charlie: Jake, you should probably put your dead thing down, too. [To Kate] Kids, huh?

Kate: I know! They’re just… [To Ernie] Ernie, put it down or we’re leaving right now! I’m counting to three. One, two…

Charlie: Ernie, for God’s sake, you’re killing me here.

Kate: Thank you.

Charlie: No problem. So, did you grow up in L.A.?

Kate: No. My dad was in the Army, so we moved around… Ah, hell, that thing’s not dead.

Kate goes over to help Ernie.

Kate: Charlie, I would really like to get to know you, but it is not gonna happen on a play date. Why don’t you ask me out sometime?

Ernie starts crying.

Charlie: You know, that’s a really good…

Kate (on the beach, off-screen): Are you happy? I told you to put it down, Ernie. Get the sand off of it. No. No. Don’t touch it. Don’t touch it!

Charlie (trying to talk to Kate): What night’s good for you?

Kate (off-screen): Jake, you’re not helping.

Scene: the living room. Charlie comes down from his room.

Charlie: Don’t wait up!

Alan: Back to Vegas?

Charlie: Even better. Sherman Oaks. The gateway to Van Nuys.

Alan: Kate again? Charlie, you have no clue what you’re getting involved in with these divorced soccer moms.

Charlie: You’re right. I don’t have a clue. I’ve never had a clue. It’s part of my charm.

Alan: Well, at least keep in mind that all these women talk to each other, so anything you do will eventually get back to my wife and, somehow, become my fault.

Charlie: That doesn’t seem fair. Oh, well. So where are you going?

Alan: I volunteered to help Gloria with the soccer league newsletter. I’m thinking of calling it “Just For Kicks.”

Charlie: Wait a minute, this is the same Gloria who drives the kid van?

Alan: Yeah, why?

Charlie: Nothing. Have fun. [Under his breath] Talk about not having a clue.

“Aren’t you even curious?”

Scene: Gloria’s living room. Alan is on the couch alone, working on the newsletter. 

Alan: And I designed a logo, the “K” in “Kicks” is a little foot.

Gloria comes in from the kitchen with two glasses of wine.

Gloria: Sounds wonderful. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to do this.

Alan: Oh, you know, anything for the kids.

Gloria: You’re such a good father! It’s a shame that Judith didn’t appreciate you.

Alan: Yeah, you know, she just needed a little time to sort things out. But, yeah, it’s a shame.

Gloria: Look at you. A successful chiropractor, intelligent, dedicated.

Alan: You’re embarrassing me.

Gloria: I’m sorry. Let’s get back to your… [moves closer to him] little logo.

Gloria motions neck pain with her hand.

Gloria: Ow.

Alan: What’s wrong?

Gloria: Oh, nothing. It’s my neck. I must have slept wrong.

Alan: Oh, well, why don’t you make an appointment with my office, and we’ll see if we can fix that.

Gloria: Oh, no, I’d feel funny! [Touches his arm] We know each other.

Alan: Don’t be silly. It’s what I do. You know—turn around. Turn around. Go ahead. [He starts massaging her] Are you getting enough calcium?

Gloria: I guess.

Alan: It’s really important for a woman your age. Osteoporosis is a real problem. Curvature of the spine. Last thing you want is to wind up with a hump.

Brooke opens the door.

Brooke: Knocky-knocky! Oh, well, I hope you didn’t start without me.

Scene: Kate’s front porch. Charlie makes his way to the front door. A man (Eric Allan Kramer, credited as Bill) is heard talking to Kate inside.

Bill (off-screen): What are you talking about?

Kate (off-screen): Bill, you did this on purpose. You showed up late just so you could snoop on me.

Bill (off-screen): Hey, you got to meet my girlfriend.

Kate (off-screen): What “meet?” She was our babysitter! Will you get out of here, Bill?

Bill (off-screen): Kate, I’m trying. Ernie, would you put your shoes on?

Bill opens the door and finds Charlie outside.

Charlie: Hey!

Bill: Hey.

They stare at each other silently for a moment.

Bill (offering a handshake): Bill.

Charlie: Charlie.

Bill (sees Charlie’s car outside): That your Jag?

Charlie: Yeah.

Bill: It’s nice. I got the, uh, Navigator over there.

Charlie: That’s nice, too.

Ernie runs past them.

Ernie: Let’s go, Dad.

Bill: Well, all right, then. You try and make her happy.

Scene: Gloria’s living room. Gloria, Alan, and Brooke are sitting on the couch.

Brooke: Truthfully, I think that my ex was intimidated by my sexual… I don’t even know how to say it… Appetite.

Alan: Huh. So we’re agreed we’ll set aside six inches for the editorial column?

Brooke: Oh, I’m sorry. Uh, yes, six inches. I don’t know how I got so off-topic.

Gloria: I know exactly how you got off-topic.

Alan: Okay, uh… I think the next piece of business is to decide on the paper color. I brought some samples. We’ve got goldenrod, salmon, mustard…

Gloria: You had me at goldenrod!

Brooke: Oh, everybody has you at goldenrod.

Scene: Charlie’s car. He is driving with Kate next to him.

Charlie: My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight.

Kate: That’s funny. Everybody warned me not to go out with you.

Charlie: Hey, it worked for Romeo and Juliet… Well, up until the poison and the stabbing.

Kate: Charlie, I have a confession. I haven’t been out with a man other than my husband in 12 years.

Charlie: That’s not a problem. A couple of things have changed, but I can bring you up to date.

Kate: Please do.

Charlie: All right, well, nowadays, women pay for dinner. And, of course, sex is a given.

Kate: I’ll tell you one thing, I am not paying for dinner.

Charlie: Rats.

Scene: Gloria’s living room.

Brooke: Well, look at the time. Maybe we should get going, give Gloria a chance for a little quiet time before her many, many kids come home.

Gloria: I don’t need any quiet time.

Brooke: Don’t be silly. Alan, would you mind driving me home? I’m feeling a little tipsy.

Gloria: A little tipsy? How about a little obvious?

Brooke: I’m sorry?

Gloria: Could I talk to you for a minute?

Alan (getting up): You know what, it is getting a little late…

Gloria: Sit down. We’ll be right back.

Brooke (to Alan): I think she’s going through the change…

They go into the kitchen and are heard whispering.

Gloria (off-screen): What do you think you’re doing?

Brooke (off-screen): What? He’s in play. I’m playing.

Gloria (off-screen): I’m the one who told you he’s in play.

Brooke (off-screen): Oh, please. I told you two years ago that marriage was toast.

Gloria (off-screen): So what? He’s in my house on Tae Kwon Do Wednesday, and I don’t have time to mess around with you.

Brooke (off-screen): Why don’t we just let him decide?

Gloria (off-screen): Let him decide? He still thinks we’re doing a soccer newsletter.

Brooke (off-screen): You don’t even like him, do you?

Gloria (off-screen): He’s okay. He’s here and it’s Wednesday.

Brooke (off-screen): Well, I happen to think he’s hot.

Gloria (off-screen): You wouldn’t even know what to do with a hot guy.

Brooke (off-screen): Oh, yeah? Well, watch me.

Brooke opens the door and hits Alan in the face. He falls down.

Gloria: Great. You broke him.

Scene: Kate’s front porch. She and Charlie have returned from their date.

Charlie: The biggest surprise was how much I loved having him around. I mean, Jake’s amazing. Do you know I have, on occasion, actually put his needs ahead of my own?

Kate: Like going to a soccer game at 8 AM on a Saturday?

Charlie: Yes! At 8 AM, I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

Kate: So what you’re saying is having a child in your life totally changes the way you look at things.

Charlie: Exactly! Of course, you probably know that already.

Kate: Yeah. But I like that you know it. I had a really great time.

Charlie: Me, too. Can we do this again?

Kate: I would love that.

Charlie: Great.

They start to kiss. After a moment, Kate starts crying.

Charlie: Whoa. What happened? Did I do something wrong? Please don’t tell Alan’s wife!

Kate: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I really like you.

Charlie: Okay, this is new for me.

Kate: It’s just… Charlie, I have a 10-year-old son. I have two mortgages, private school bills, a full-time job, custody battles, alimony battles, child support battles, carpools, and drum lessons, and… How can we possibly do this again?

Charlie: You bought a 10-year-old a drum set?

Kate: Don’t change the subject. You know what I’m saying. I mean, do you really want to be involved in… this?

Charlie: I—I—I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

Kate: Exactly.

Charlie: All right. Well, I guess I’ll see you around.

Charlie turns around and starts walking away.

Kate: Well—Where are you going?

Charlie: Home.

Kate: Why? I mean, I said we couldn’t do it again. That doesn’t mean we can’t… do it tonight. Boy, you really don’t have a clue, do you, Charlie?

Charlie: No. But it seems to be working for me.

Scene: the next morning. Charlie is arriving home. He picks up the paper from the welcome mat and goes into the kitchen. Alan is making breakfast.

Charlie: Morning.

When Alan turns around, he has a bandage around his injured nose.

Alan: Hey.

Charlie (pointing at the coffee maker): Regular or decaf?

Alan: Regular.

Charlie: Thank God.

Alan waits for Charlie to ask him about his nose, but he doesn’t.

Alan: Aren’t you even curious?

Charlie: You went to Gloria’s last night.

Alan: Yeah.

Charlie: I can fill in the blanks.

Scene: the soccer game. Jake takes a bottle from a cooler.

Jake: Man, we’re getting killed.

Charlie: Hey, we’re here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.

Alan: Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [Stands up] Who are we kidding? It’s 8-1 out there, and everybody here knows it. And you know, I’ll tell you another thing. We haven’t won a game all season. And I’ll put that in the newsletter. And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!

Jake: Dad, you’re kind of freaking everybody out here.

Charlie: Forget it, Jake. It’s Sherman Oaks.

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #111):

This is the official “I have nothing worth writing about” vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don’t be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when your schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I’m empty, I’ll simply say, “Run one eleven.” A check of the one hundred and ten cards I’ve already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn’t I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well… I’m just that kind of guy. But I’m older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Governor Schwarzenegger.

S01E04 - If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I’m Going to Take a Nap

Scene: Charlie’s room. He is sleeping. Berta is standing next to him. 

Berta: Charlie? Honey, wake up.

He opens his eyes.

Charlie: Good morning.

Berta: You lied to me, Charlie. You said it was just going to be the two of us.

Charlie: I didn’t lie, Berta. Things change.

Berta: Goodbye, Charlie.

Charlie: Don’t leave me, Berta. I love you!

He chases after her as she walks down the stairs.

Charlie: Can’t we talk about this?

Berta: Sorry, I do single men only. I’m in, I’m out, there are no complications.

Charlie: But I am single!

Alan walks into the living room.

Alan: Berta? I hate to bring this up again, but you just—you cannot put the peanut butter in the refrigerator. It gets hard. And, on a related subject, the peanut-butter stains on Jake’s shirts really require an enzyme presoak.

Berta: I hope you two will be very happy together.

Charlie: But who’s gonna take care of me? Who’s gonna do the laundry, the shopping, and the cleaning and all the other stuff?

Berta: Ask the Scrubbing Bubble there.

Berta leaves and closes the door. Jake enters the room.

Jake: Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?

Charlie: Why? It doesn’t matter, Jake. What matters is, she’s gone. And we’re all gonna die.

Opening sequence.

Scene: the kitchen. Charlie is staring at the coffee maker.

Charlie: She left before she made the coffee.

Alan: So? We’ll make our own coffee.

Charlie: How?

Alan turns on the coffee maker.

Charlie: So, now we just wait?

Alan: Yes. It takes a couple of minutes.

Charlie: Alan, this goes beyond coffee. Berta’s been with me forever. She does everything. She’s like a wife that leaves before you wake up, and doesn’t mind if you sleep around.

The microwave dings.

Charlie: Is that the coffee?

Jake: It’s my peanut butter. I made it soft.

Alan: Charlie, I’ve been figuring out a way to repay you for letting me and Jake stay here. Why don’t I take over the housework?

Charlie: Berta did the shopping, too.

Alan: I can do that.

Charlie: She did my laundry.

Alan: In her way, yes. But I can handle that, too. And look, I even made your coffee.

Alan pours Charlie a cup of coffee.

Charlie: Thank you. [Drinks the coffee] No. Uh-uh. Not as good as Berta’s.

Alan: It’s her coffee. I just pressed the button.

Charlie: Berta’s tasted, I don’t know… Christmassy.

Alan: What does that mean, “Christmassy?”

Charlie: It means “like Christmas.”

Alan: Now, you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer?

Charlie: I don’t know. It’s just that when you drank it, it felt like Christmas morning, and anything was possible.

Alan: Sweet’N Low? Half & Half? Mocha Mix?

Charlie: Oh, forget it. I’ll just read my paper. Uh-oh. Where’s my paper?

Alan: I don’t know. You might try looking by the front door.

Charlie: No. No. It’s usually right here, on the table.

Alan: Okay, so before you got up, Berta started the coffee and got you your paper?

Charlie: Well, I don’t know the mechanics of it, but yeah!

Alan: I’ll go get it.

Alan leaves. Jake has finished preparing his peanut butter and sets it on the table.

Charlie: He’s not off to a very good start.

Jake: Want a glass of peanut butter?

Scene: the living room. Charlie is reading the newspaper. He drinks Alan’s coffee but makes a look of disgust. Alan is sweeping the floor.

Charlie: Alan?

Alan: Yeah?

Charlie: I can see you.

Alan: And I can see you, too.

Charlie: No, I mean, Berta never cleaned when I was in the room. She was, like, invisible.

Alan: I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more transparent.

Charlie: Appreciate it.

Alan leaves. Rose appears on the deck. As Charlie sees her, she tries hiding behind a plant.

 

Charlie: Oh, no. [To Rose] I see you!

Alan (off-scene): Oh, give me a break!

Charlie (to Alan): Not you, that girl that’s been stalking me.

Charlie opens the door.

Charlie: Rose?

Rose: Oh, there you are! What are you doing sneaking up on me like that?

Charlie: Rose, honey, we spent one night together, and it was very nice, but…

Rose: What is your favorite part?

Charlie: Gee, I’d have to say, finding out you live just two doors down.

Rose: Sometimes, it’s all I can do not to chew through that house in the middle.

Charlie: Yeah. But see, I’m not looking for a relationship right now. So, maybe you should find someone who can give you the attention you want—need—deserve—require…

Rose: Are you saying we should see other people?

Charlie: Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. You have so much love to give, and somewhere out there is a guy who… can take it.

Rose: Well, there is this one guy…

Charlie: He sounds perfect!

Charlie starts ushering her out.

Rose: His name is Andy. He works at Jamba Juice. He always gives me a free wheatgrass shooter and chuckles when I gag.

Charlie: Then ask him out.

He opens the door.

Rose: That seems kind of forward, don’t you think?

Charlie: No, come on, women ask guys out all the time. What they don’t do is handcuff themselves to the refrigerator, when he says it’s time to go home.

Rose: That’s where you and I went off the track, isn’t it?

Charlie: I’m the past. Andy’s the future. Bye-bye now. Good luck… [Closes the door] Andy.

Scene: Charlie is playing the piano. He stops halfway through a song and smells the piano cover.

Charlie: Alan? What did you do to my piano?

Alan enters the room.

Alan: Nothing, I just dusted.

Charlie: Yeah, well, I’m sitting here trying to write a jingle about a chocolate bar and my piano smells like lemons.

Alan: Gee, I’m sorry, Charlie, but they don’t make chocolate Pledge.

Charlie: Okay, maybe I’m not making myself clear. The rest of the house can smell like any fruit you want, but my piano needs to smell…

Alan: Piano-y.

Charlie: There you go.

Alan: Fine. I’ll get an unscented polish.

Charlie: Well, that’s not going to help me now, is it? Nope.

Alan: You know what, Charlie? You are a child. You’re a big, high-maintenance child.

Charlie: I am not a child.

Charlie starts walking away.

Alan: Where you going?

Charlie: Well, if I can’t write my chocolate song, I’m going to take a nap.

Scene: Charlie’s room. He is sleeping. Alan opens the door.

Alan: Charlie, you asleep? I’m doing a load of whites.

Charlie does not awake. Alan enters the room and starts collecting white pieces. He sees Charlie’s dirty white socks on Charlie’s feet and tries to remove them. Charlie rolls over and hits Alan in the face.

Alan: Jeez! Charlie?

Charlie: What?

Alan: You kicked me in your sleep.

Charlie: Who said I was asleep?

Alan storms out. Charlie follows him down the stairs.

Alan: I can’t do this anymore. You are impossible.

Charlie: Hey, don’t blame me. I tried to make it work.

Alan: Excuse me? Berta quit at 9 o’clock. It’s now 2:30. When did you try? Where was the trying?

Charlie: Hey! You’re the one who made Berta quit.

Alan: I didn’t make her quit. I simply raised the bar of quality housework and she insisted on limboing under it. But since you obviously can’t live without her, you big baby, I will go apologize and get her back.

Charlie: Great.

Alan: So, where does she live?

Charlie: I don’t know.

Alan: Okay. What’s her last name? [Charlie does not answer] Your entire life depends on this woman and you know nothing about her?

Charlie: Wait! She took a bus.

Alan: I stand corrected.

Charlie: Oh, oh! After she works here in the morning, she cleans some rock star’s house.

Alan: Okay, what rock star? Where?

Rose knocks on the deck door.

Rose: Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. 4456 Malibu Canyon Road.

Alan: Thank you. [To Charlie] Now listen, Judith is coming by at 5 to pick up Jake for dinner with her parents. Now, I should be back by then, but you need to make sure he’s dressed and ready to go.

Charlie: No problem.

Alan: No, it is a problem, Charlie. I’m trying desperately to reconcile with my wife, so I don’t want to tick her off. So, you telling me “it’s no problem” does not reassure me.

Charlie (raising his right leg): Here. Take my sock. I wanna show you a trick.

Alan: I’ll go get Berta. You make sure Jake is ready.

Alan opens the front door to Rose.

Rose: Hi.

Alan: Hello.

Rose: There are security cameras out front, so come up from the back, and bring some dog treats, in case the rottweilers are out.

Alan: Again, thank you.

Alan leaves.

Rose: I asked Andy out, and he said yes.

Charlie: Andy?

Rose: The guy you told me to ask out! I just don’t know what to wear. I love this one, but it still smells like pepper spray.

She starts walking upstairs.

Charlie: Where are you going?

Rose: To roll around naked on your bed. I’m just kidding. I’m gonna try on the dress, silly.

Charlie: But, but…

As Rose leaves, Jake walks in.

Jake: Is that lady your girlfriend?

Charlie: Nah, she’s just… It’s complicated. [He turns around to a filthy Jake] What the hell happened to you?

Jake: You know what else is complicated? Fractions.

Charlie: You got grease all over you. It’s in your hair, man.

Jake: Yeah. My bike chain broke. Can you fix it?

Charlie: Kid, I’m a piano player. What do you think? Look, your mom’s gonna be here soon to take you to dinner.

Jake: I know.

Charlie: So, how about a shower?

Jake: No, thank you.

Charlie: That wasn’t a question!

“I’m not strong enough. His will is greater than mine.”

Scene: Charlie is carrying Jake across the living room.

Charlie: Sorry, pal, but you need a shower.

Jake: But my bike’s still broken. I think you made it worse!

Charlie: What are you talking about? Now you got a unicycle. [Puts Jake down and he walks away] Get in the shower.

Rose appears.

Rose: I’m so worried he’s not gonna like me.

Charlie: He’s gonna love you, Rose. Just go out, have a great time, and don’t come on too strong.

Rose: Me, too strong? What do you mean?

Charlie: Okay, well, speaking from my own experience, there’s nothing wrong with asking a guy for a blood test, but actually trying to take the blood yourself is a little strong.

Rose: I see.

She starts making her way back up.

Charlie: Where you going now?

Rose: You got me thinking this dress comes on too strong. So, I’m going to put on something a little less “rawr” and a little more “ooh.”

Jake comes back from his room, still filthy.

Charlie: Jake, why aren’t you in the shower?

Jake: Oh, yeah.

Scene: Steven Tyler’s laundry room. Berta is folding a pair of very conspicuous pants. Alan knocks on the window.

Alan: Hi, Berta. It’s me, the Scrubbing Bubble. I came to apologize.

Berta: Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

Alan: Come on, can’t we put aside our petty differences and find a way to work together out of a mutual love for Charlie?

Berta: Yeah, that’s why I do this. For love.

Alan: The thing is, I’m going through a really tough time right now. My marriage is collapsing, my business is slow, my little boy is being dragged back and forth from his mother’s house to Malibu.

               

Berta: My alcoholic husband ran off with my daughter’s parole officer, and I clean rich peoples’ toilets for a living.

Alan: Okay, let’s not make this a competition.

Scene: Jake’s room. Charlie knocks on the bathroom door.

Charlie: Jake, you’ve been in there for a while. How’s it going?

Jake (through the closed door): Good.

Charlie hears a rattling sound from inside and opens the door.

Charlie: What are you doing?

Jake: Washing my bike chain. It’s real dirty.

Charlie: Forget about the chain. You gotta take a shower before your mother gets here!

Jake accidentally flushes down the chain.

Jake: We’re gonna need a new chain.

Scene: the living room. The phone rings. Rose, who has changed from her previous black dress to a red dress, picks it up.

Rose: Hello, Charlie’s house. May I help you? Oh, hi, Alan, it’s Rose. I got in. How’d you do? Oh, here he is. [To Charlie] It’s your brother.

Charlie: Thank you. [To Alan] How’s it going? Did you talk to Berta?

Alan: Yes, I’m here with her now. Is Jake ready?

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, we’re just applying the, uh, the finishing touches.

Out on the deck, behind Charlie, Jake is running around in his underwear.

Charlie: What about Berta?

Alan: The same. Finishing touches. She’s really a delight. Just make sure Jake is ready when Judith gets there.

Charlie: Relax, everything’s under control. [Sees Jake outside] I gotta go. [Hangs up]

Rose: So, you like this dress better?

Charlie: Hang on, Rose. The kid’s running around the deck in his underwear.

Rose: Oh, sure, but when I do it, you just ignore me.

Charlie opens the door.

Charlie: Jake, what are you doing?

Jake: Air drying.

Charlie: You still have grease in your hair. Didn’t you wash it?

Jake: You didn’t say to wash my hair.

Charlie: Wash your hair!

Jake: Okay.

Jake runs back in.

Rose: You didn’t tell him to rinse.

Charlie: Good, that’s good. Thank you. [To Jake] Jake, rinse!

Scene: Steven Tyler’s laundry room.

Alan: All right, so you won’t come back, will you at least tell me how you made the damn coffee “Christmassy?”

Berta: “Christmassy?”

Alan: Yeah, Charlie said your coffee tastes “Christmassy.”

Berta: Oh. Cinnamon.

Alan: I said cinnamon.

Berta lifts a hamper and motions back pain.

Alan: Oh. Lower back? You do a lot of lifting? Of course you do. You’re a maid, and I’m an ass.

Berta: I’m a housekeeper.

Alan: Of course.

Berta: And you’re an ass.

Alan: Yes. Hey, why don’t you sit down, let me take a look at it?

Berta: What?

Alan: I’m a chiropractor.

Berta: Okay. But no funny business.

Alan: Not to worry.

Scene: Jake’s room. His hair is washed. Charlie is tying him a knot.

Jake: Looks like you washed your hair instead of mine.

Charlie: I’m not in the mood, Jake.

Jake: These clothes look stupid.

Charlie: You’re 10. No one cares.

Jake: You’re choking me.

Charlie: Trust me, you’ll know when I’m choking you.

Jake: I think my socks are on the wrong feet.

Charlie: Jake, dude, I’m right on the edge. Don’t push me. [He takes the tie off Jake’s collar] I can’t do this on someone else.

Rose (off-scene): Charlie?

Charlie: You look great, Rose.

She enters the room.

Rose: I don’t think I can go through with this.

Charlie: What? No. Sure you can.

Rose: No, I’m gonna call Andy and cancel.

Charlie: No, you’re not. Now listen to me. You’re a wonderful woman, and this guy Andy is gonna love you.

Rose: Thanks, but you’re saying that just to get me out of your hair.

Charlie: No, not “just.” Now go out and have a great time.

Rose: But…

Charlie: Shh! No goodbyes. Just turn around and walk away.

Rose: Okay. Goodbye.

Charlie: Goodbye, Rose.

As Rose leaves and Charlie turns around, he sees Jake taking off his clothes.

Charlie: What happened?

Jake: I have to go to the bathroom.

Charlie: Why did you take your clothes off?

Jake: Sometimes I miss.

Charlie: Okay. That’s it. I give up. You are a child, Jake. Dress, don’t dress. Wash, don’t wash. I don’t care. You’re on your own.

Jake flushes the toilet.

Jake: What?

Scene: Steven Tyler’s laundry room. Alan is giving Berta a back adjustment.

Berta: Oh, God, that feels so good.

Steven: Hey, Berta! I can’t find my… [He opens the door] Berta, if you’re gonna do a guy in the laundry room, put a scarf on the doorknob or something.

Alan (to Tyler): I’m a big fan…

Scene: the living room. Charlie is sitting on the couch, Jake’s tie around his neck, drinking. Alan arrives.

Alan: Is Jake ready? Where’s Jake?

Charlie: I don’t know.

Alan: You don’t know? My wife just pulled in behind me. You said you’d have him ready.

Charlie: It can’t be done.

Alan: What do you mean, it can’t be done?

Charlie: I’m not strong enough. His will is greater than mine. I’m just gonna get drunk and stay out of his way.

Judith walks in.

Judith: Please tell me he’s ready. My parents are driving me nuts.

Alan: Uh, well, uh…

Jake appears, fully dressed and ready.

Jake: Hi, Mom.

Judith: Oh! Don’t you look handsome?

Jake: Uncle Charlie took my tie.

Judith: You don’t need a tie. [To Charlie] Grow up, Charlie.

Jake: Bye!

They leave.

Alan: I thought you said he beat you?

Charlie: He did. Now he’s just screwing with me. What happened with Berta?

Alan: Well, it wasn’t easy, but I did it. She won’t do my laundry or get my groceries, and I have to give her a lower back adjustment twice a week. And Steven Tyler thinks I’m doing her.

Charlie: But she is coming back?

Alan: Yes, Charlie, she is coming back.

Charlie: Right on.

Charlie weeps.

Alan: Are you crying?

Charlie: It’s been a very emotional day.

Alan: Here you go, buddy. Drink your vodka.

Scene: Charlie is playing the piano. Rose knocks on the glass door.

Charlie: You look great, Rose, I swear.

Rose: He stood me up.

Charlie: What? After we spent all day getting ready?

Charlie opens the door and Rose enters.

Rose: I don’t know what I did wrong.

Charlie: You didn’t do anything wrong.

Rose: Then why did he stand me up?

Charlie: Because he’s an idiot. He doesn’t get what a truly rare person you are.

Rose: Thanks. I wish Randy could see what you see.

Charlie: Forget about him. Come on, I’m going to take you to dinner.

Rose: Really?

Charlie: Yeah, sure, why not?

They walk toward the front door.

Charlie: I thought you said his name was Andy.

Rose: What did I say?

Charlie: You said Randy.

Rose: No, I didn’t. Andy’s a real guy. I didn’t make him up. I love your little tie.

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #110):

THE DREAM: I’m in a cemetery, attending a funeral. I’m not sure whose it is. My mother, who died a year ago, is there—alive but not well. We leave the funeral and I take her back to a place I used to live that is now unfurnished and cold. There is no food there. I leave her there anyway. I then find myself shopping in a supermarket while holding a baby swaddled in a blanket. The supermarket is run by young people. They play rock music too loudly for a supermarket and seem to be having a good time. I keep losing the baby, putting it down and forgetting where I put it. I select two items and go to the checkout stand where I’m told that one of the items, some sort of raisin bread, is very expensive. I tell the checkout girl I don’t want the raisin bread and then realize I’ve lost the baby again. Thankfully I find the baby but then decide I can’t leave my mother in an empty house. I hurry off to bring her back to where I now live, a comfortable home with all the amenities. MY ANALYSIS: The funeral is for my inauthentic self. The self that’s been conditioned by parents, culture and environment to survive by whatever means necessary. It is a frightened, angry thing which I’m just now realizing is not my true identity. My mother played a powerful role in its formation. I take her to a barren place because I have not been able to confront nor integrate her influence into my consciousness. The baby is my authentic self. The essential soul that exists before conditioning. I alone am responsible for that self’s well-being and am constantly abandoning it in favor of the illusory comfort of the false self. The supermarket is filled with food, music and youthful energy which symbolizes the wisdom, creativity and vitality which nurtures the soul. There is a high price to pay for these things. It is the price of freedom. I balk at paying that price. Finally, I retrieve my mother and bring her back to the nice house, which means I’m ready to bring her influence in my life up to a conscious level. CONCLUSION: My wakeful thinking is not drenched in metaphor, therefore the dream must have originated from some eternal source of compassionate wisdom, or, I shouldn’t read books about Jungian psychology before I go to sleep.