S01E09 - Phase One, Complete

Scene: Charlie’s bathroom. He’s in the shower with Wendy (Myndy Crist).

Wendy: Charlie… Come on, that tickles!

Jake opens the bathroom door and peeks inside.

Jake: Uncle Charlie?

Charlie (behind the shower curtain): Not now, Jake.

Jake: I just heard the Fudge Nuggets song you wrote on TV.

Charlie: Great.

Jake (singing): From a magic chocolate mountain in a secret chocolate mine…

Charlie: Jake…

Jake: …come Granny’s big Fudge Nuggets with a taste that’s oh, so fine!

Charlie (pulls the curtain): Jake, I’m not alone in here.

Jake (bewildered): No way.

Charlie: Way.

Jake: Who’s in there?

Charlie: A friend of mine.

Jake: Is it a girl?

Charlie: Hold on. [Goes back inside to “check”] Oh, yeah.

Jake: Is it Janet?

Charlie: No. It’s my friend Wendy. Say hi to Jake, Wendy.

Wendy’s head appears as well.

Wendy: Hi, Jake. You sing really well.

Jake: I have to go. This is embarrassing.

Jake storms out. Charlie and Wendy go back to their shower and speak from behind the curtain.

Wendy: I like that you didn’t lie to him.

Charlie: Well, I try to be honest.

Wendy: It’s a good quality. So, who’s Janet?

Opening sequence.

Scene: the living room. Charlie and Wendy are coming down the stairs.

Charlie: You want a cup of coffee before you go?

Wendy: No, you’ve got work to do. I should probably get going.

Alan appears coming from the kitchen.

Alan: Charlie, there’s French toast left.

Charlie: Oh, no, thanks. You met Wendy, right?

Alan: Sure. French toast, Wendy?

Wendy: Oh, no, thank you. I should really get going.

Jake comes into the room.

Jake: You know, I can sing all of Uncle Charlie’s jingles.

Wendy: No kidding? You’re gonna have to show me sometime.

Jake (singing): It’s got oats and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat, it’s maple-maple-maple-licious!

Wendy: That’s wonderful.

Charlie: Wendy’s gotta go, Jake.

Jake (singing): If your house is bug-infested, filled with spiders, lice…

Charlie (interrupting him): Jake, Jake, Jake! Take five, buddy!

Jake: Copacetic. That means “okay.”

Charlie: When he moved in here, he was saying “swell.”

Alan: Charlie, I’ve gotta go to my office for a couple of hours. Are you okay to watch Jake?

Charlie: No problem.

Alan: Swell.

Jake: Will you take me rollerblading, Uncle Charlie?

Charlie (opening the door for Wendy): I can’t, buddy. I got work to do.

Jake (disappointed): What am I gonna do all day?

Charlie: It’s really nice outside. Why don’t you wash my car?

Jake: No, I wanna go rollerblading.

Wendy: You know, I could take him. I’ve got my blades right in the car.

Jake: Really?

Wendy: If it’s okay with your father.

Alan: That sounds swell!

Jake: I’ll go get my blades. [He runs back to his room]

Wendy: And, if you want, I can go pick up lunch and bring it back, and we can have a picnic.

Charlie: Yeah… Swell.

Wendy leaves.

Alan: Nice girl. Is it serious?

Charlie: It is now, you dumb-ass.

Scene: the living room, later in the day. Charlie is lying on the couch, wide-eyed and breathing heavily. Alan walks in from the front door.

Alan: Hey. Finish your jingle?

Charlie: How can I work? First, Wendy took Jake rollerblading. Then she took him to the movies. Now she’s in the kitchen, making us all… dinner.

Alan: That bitch.

Charlie: Don’t you get it? She’s using your kid to turn a nice, casual [motions something small] relationship into a… [exaggerates] relationship!

Alan: Okay, okay, now I get where you’re coming from.

Charlie: Thank you.

Alan: You’re paranoid and you’re nuts.

Wendy appears from the kitchen.

Wendy (to Alan): Perfect timing! Dinner’s ready. [She goes back into the kitchen]

Charlie (whispering): Did you see that? She’s wearing an apron. In my house! Do you know what that means?

Alan: I’m gonna stick with paranoid and nuts, Bob.

Scene: later that same night. Charlie is walking with Wendy through the living room toward the front door.

Wendy: Are you sure that you don’t want me to stay and do the dishes?

Charlie: Positive. Alan would just re-wash them anyways.

Wendy: Ah! Well, I guess I should probably get going.

Charlie: Yeah, I guess.

Charlie leans in to kiss her goodbye. Alan comes into the room from Jake’s room.

Alan (to Wendy): Oh, good, you’re still here. Jake wants to say good night.

Wendy: Oh, wow, he’s such a sweetie! Don’t you just want to eat him up?

Wendy goes into Jake’s room.

Charlie (to himself): If that would stop him, yes.

Alan: I gotta tell you, Charlie. I think that girl’s a keeper.

Charlie: You think so, huh?

Alan: Yeah, she’s smart, she’s pretty, and I think she really likes you.

Charlie: Be honest, Alan. You married the first girl who slipped you the tongue, didn’t you?

Alan: No.

Charlie: Trust me, this woman has a plan. And it’s diabolical in its Machiavellian scope.

Alan (defensively): I did not marry the first girl who slipped me the tongue.

Charlie: I’m telling you, she’s got her foot in the door and she will never leave.

Wendy comes back from Jake’s room.

Wendy: Okay, I’m out of here.

Alan (mocking Charlie): Ooh, diabolical! 

Charlie (to Wendy): Okay, so I’ll give you a call?

Wendy: Yeah, that’d be great. Okay.

They start kissing.

Charlie: It’s pretty dark out. Maybe you should… go in the morning.

Wendy: I guess I could.

They start making their way to Charlie’s room.

Charlie (to Alan): Are you seeing this?!

Scene: the deck. Alan is sitting at the table with his laptop and a glass of wine. Rose climbs over the balcony.

Rose: Howdy, neighbor.

Alan: Charlie’s busy right now, Rose.

Rose: I know. White Toyota hasn’t budged an inch two nights in a row. I chalked her tires.

Alan: You do know there’s a stairway right over there?

Rose: Of course. Did you know there’s a crawl space under the house that comes right up into your bedroom? So, what are you doing?

Alan: I’m playing computer Scrabble.

Rose: All by yourself? That’s so sad.

Alan: Well, I used to play with my wife every night, and I guess I miss it.

Rose: You and I have a lot in common, don’t we?

Alan: How so?

Rose: We’re both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone’s feet warm. But we don’t match up with any other socks. So all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten… or a hand puppet. [Mimics a sock puppet with her hand]

Alan: That’s, uh… That’s very insightful. And disturbing. You’re not thinking… you and me, are you?

Rose: Oh, Alan, that’s very flattering, but… ew! [Mimics a sock puppet again]

Scene: the next morning in Charlie’s room. Charlie wakes up to an empty bed. He checks under the covers and in the bathroom.

Charlie: Wendy?

He finds a note on his mirror.

Charlie (reading the note): “Dear Charlie, thanks for a wonderful night. Sweet. Special. See you soon.” [Charlie grins]

Scene: the living room. As Charlie comes down the stairs, he sings happily.

Charlie (singing): Freedom! I’m free, I’m so free…

Alan: All right, you had sex last night. You don’t have to turn into Mr. Bojangles.

Charlie: Oh, it’s better than that. I had sex and I woke up alone. If there were pancakes on my night table, it would be the perfect morning.

Alan: What happened to Wendy’s diabolical, Machiavellian scheme to never leave?

Charlie: I don’t know. I must have foiled it somehow.

Jake runs past them.

Jake: Guess what? Grandma’s here!

Alan (to Charlie): Let’s see that little dance again.

Alan and Charlie walk into the kitchen and see Evelyn and Wendy sitting in the den.

Evelyn (to Wendy): When I was pregnant with Charlie, we thought he was gonna be a girl. The sonogram showed no discernible penis whatsoever.

Charlie pushes Alan back into the living room.

Charlie: Now do you believe me? First, she sucks in Jake; then, you; now, Mom. She’s like one of those pods from outer space. But, you know, with a cute ass.

Alan: Charlie, she wouldn’t even be here now if you hadn’t taken her upstairs last night.

Charlie: That was not my fault. You saw how she kissed me. I had to take her upstairs.

Evelyn and Wendy walk into the living room.

Evelyn (to Wendy): And remember what I said: hook him on the milk, he’ll buy the cow. [To Charlie] Charlie, where have you been hiding this girl? She’s an absolute delight!

Charlie: Yeah, she’s swell.

Wendy: Good morning, Charlie.

Charlie: Good morning. I read somewhere you’d left.

Wendy: Yeah, I was on my way out the door, and then I ran into your mom, and then we started talking, and, you know…

Charlie: Yeah, I know.

Alan: So, what brings you here, Mom?

Evelyn: Do I need a reason?

Charlie: I’d like one.

Evelyn: I’m showing a house in Malibu. I thought I’d swing by and take my grandson out for pancakes.

Alan: Charlie wants his on his night table.

Jake comes back from his room.

Jake: I’m ready. You coming, Dad?

Alan: Are you kidding? I want to hear more about that sonogram!

Evelyn: Good. Are you and Wendy joining us, Charlie?

Charlie: Gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do. Right, Wendy?

Wendy: Uh… I can always make time for pancakes.

Evelyn: Oh, wonderful! A family breakfast. Go put on some pants, Charlie.

Charlie: But, Mom, I…

Evelyn: Now. [To Wendy] You have to be firm with him. By the way, your nose is adorable.

Wendy: Thank you!

Evelyn: I’m guessing Dr. Shapiro?

Wendy: No, it’s mine.

Evelyn: Oh! Huh. Well, sometimes God does good work, too.

“When I was pregnant with Charlie, we thought he was gonna be a girl. The sonogram showed no discernible penis whatsoever.”

Scene: later that night. Alan is in the living room and calls out to Jake, who is in his room.

Alan: Jake, get your stuff together, we gotta get you back to your mom’s.

Wendy is carrying Jake on her back. They come into the living room.

Jake: Already? But we’re playing!

Wendy: Yeah, I gotta get going, too, Jake.

Jake: Aww…

Charlie opens the front door.

Charlie (to Wendy): Okay, I pulled your car around. If you leave now, I think you’ll miss all the weekend traffic.

Wendy: Don’t you worry, Charlie, I’m leaving.

Charlie: I’m not worried. I just moved your car so Alan can get out.

Alan: I can get out.

Charlie: Yes, Alan. Now you can.

Wendy: Thank you for a great weekend.

Charlie: No, thank you.

Wendy: Jake, bye.

Jake:  Bye.

Wendy: Alan, I’ll see you soon.

Alan: Bye.

Wendy leaves and Charlie closes the door.

Alan: I gotta tell you, Charlie, I think she’s really…

Charlie shushes him and looks through the peephole. After Wendy starts her car and leaves, he closes the peephole and turns back to Alan and Jake.

Charlie: Okay. What?

Alan: I’m just saying, I think she’s really great.

Jake: Me, too. When’s she coming back?

Charlie: Well, let’s see, today’s Sunday, so… Never.

Jake: Why not?

Charlie: Well, buddy, she wants something different in a relationship than your uncle Charlie does.

Jake: What does she want?

Charlie: Uncle Charlie.

Jake: What do you want?

Charlie: Uncle Charlie. And we both can’t have me.

Jake: I don’t understand.

Alan (to Jake): It’s very simple, buddy. Uncle Charlie is nuts.

Charlie (to Alan): Yeah, nuts like a fox.

Jake: So then Wendy can’t take me rollerblading anymore?

Charlie: Nope.

Jake: No more movies?

Charlie: Afraid not.

Jake: Boy, you suck.

Jake leaves.

Charlie: Suck? How do I suck?

Alan (mocking Charlie): Like a fox.

Scene: the next week. Alan has brought Jake over to Charlie’s. Charlie opens the door for them.

Charlie (excitedly): There he is! Let the party begin! Shaking Jake! Notorious J-A-K-E!

Alan: Jake, he won’t stop until you say hello.

Charlie: Jakety-Jake-Jake!

Jake (frowning): Hello.

Charlie: So, how was school this week? We missed you around here.

Jake: It was just school.

Charlie: Yeah, I heard that. “Just school.” Right on! [To Alan] I don’t believe it. He’s still mad about the Wendy thing.

Alan: Charlie, it’s only been a week. I’m still mad that you peed in my boy scout canteen in 1978.

Charlie: Not much of a jamboree for you, was it?

Charlie laughs, but Alan does not look happy.

Charlie: Okay, I’m sorry about the canteen. Now, will you please make your son like me again?

Alan: How would I do that, Charlie? And, by the way, was that so hard?

Charlie: Explain to him that Wendy was working an angle, making friends with him to get to me.

Alan: Do you really want me to tell a 10-year-old boy that somebody he really cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?

Charlie: He lives in L.A. He might as well learn now.

Alan: Just give him some time. He’ll get over it.

Charlie knocks on Jake’s door.

Charlie: Hey, can I come in?

Jake: It’s your house.

Charlie: Well, it’s your house, too.

Jake: Then, no.

Charlie: Okay.

Charlie closes the door and leaves, only to reopen it a second later.

Charlie: You know what? It is my house. Look, Jake, I’m sorry about the Wendy thing, but there’s nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don’t want you to hate me anymore.

Jake: I don’t hate you.

Charlie: Good.

Jake: I’m just very disappointed in you.

Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother. So what’s it gonna take? Cash? Video games?

Jake: I don’t want stuff. I got plenty of stuff when my mom and dad broke up.

Charlie: Oh, dude, this isn’t the same thing.

Jake: What’s the difference? You liked Wendy, then you didn’t like her, and no one cares what I want.

Charlie: Jake, buddy. Come here. [Charlie sits on the ottoman in front of Jake’s bed] Come here. Sit down. [Jake sits next to him] It’s not that I don’t care what you want. It’s just that… you’re a kid. And what you want doesn’t matter. Wow, I do suck.

Scene: the deck. Alan and Rose are playing Scrabble.

Rose (placing her tiles on the board): H- A-T. Hat.

Alan: That’s it? All this time for “hat?” Let me see your tiles. Oh—see? You had “hateful.” See, it would have fit right here, off the “A” in my “quotidian.”

Rose: Wow, how did you see that?

Alan: I have Scrabble eyes, it’s a gift. And sometimes a curse.

Charlie walks out into the deck.

Charlie: Alan, Jake won’t play with me.

Alan: Well, I can’t play with you either, Charlie. I am [placing tiles on the board] “occupied.” [To Rose] You played “pie” at your own peril, my friend.

Rose: Hi, Charlie.

Charlie: Hi, Rose. [To Alan] Alan, come here.

Alan (to Rose): Your move.

Charlie and Alan step into the living room. Charlie closes the glass door.

Alan: What?

Charlie: What are you doing with Rose?

Alan: I’m teaching her to play Scrabble.

Charlie: Ugh, Alan, you are so naive!

Alan: “Naive,” eight points.

Charlie: What?

Alan: Sorry. I’m in my game head.

Charlie: Alan, Rose is using you to get to me.

Alan: Do you hear the rampant egotism—“rampant,” eleven points; “egotism,” ten—coming out of your mouth?

Charlie: I’m just saying…

Alan: Not everybody is trying to get to you, Charlie! The only thing that’s going on here is two lonely people playing a game of Scrabble.

Charlie: Oh, Alan, please tell me you’re not thinking about you and Rose?

Alan: Me and Rose? [Mimics a sock puppet] Ew!

Scene: a supermarket. Charlie is pushing a cart down the aisle. He stops in front of the liquor shelf.

Charlie: Let’s see. One Russian blonde, one Scottish brunette, and a full-bodied redhead from Napa Valley. Charlie’s angels.

As he moves further down the aisle, he bumps his cart into Wendy’s.

Charlie: Sorry. [Upon seeing it’s Wendy] Oh, hi.

Wendy: Hi.

Charlie: What are you doing here?

Wendy: I’m grocery shopping.

Charlie: Here? In my supermarket? So this is just a coincidence?

Wendy: Well, it’s not entirely. I eat food, and I live two blocks away.

Charlie: Oh, come on, Wendy. We both know that…

Wendy’s date, Dave (Christopher Jacobs), appears from the aisle behind Wendy. 

Dave: Everything okay?

Wendy: Oh, yeah, yeah, everything’s fine. Uh, Dave, this is Charlie. Charlie, Dave.

Charlie: Hey.

Dave: Hey.

Wendy: Dave, we need a Duraflame log.

Dave: Okay.

Dave returns to the aisle from which he had come.

Charlie: Who’s that? Your brother?

Wendy: No, he’s… Oh, look, Charlie, I know I probably should’ve given you a call, but I just thought that after last weekend, it was pretty clear, it wasn’t gonna work out between you and me.

Charlie: What?

Wendy: Well, I was happy to entertain your nephew for a while. I mean, he’s a great kid, but who’s got the energy? And your mother, she’s been calling me all week. She wants to go to a spinning class with me. What is up with that?

Charlie: I thought you two hit it off.

Wendy: I’m from the Midwest, I was being polite! What did you think was going on?

Charlie: That.

Wendy: So, no hard feelings?

Charlie: No, no, of course not. So, you and Dave, how serious is that?

Wendy: Goodbye, Charlie.

She walks away from him.

Charlie: You know, you’re breaking a little boy’s heart.

Scene: later that same night, Jake’s room. Jake is lying down and Charlie is sitting next to him.

Charlie: You see, my relationships with women, they come and go. But you and me, we’re family. That’s solid. That’s forever. You with me?

Jake: I think so.

Charlie: I mean, maybe I shouldn’t be laying this on you, because you’re 10. But I’m beginning to realize I might not be the guy I thought everybody thought I was.

Jake: Hmm.

Charlie: Yeah, it’s a mind-blower, isn’t it? You see, the problem isn’t with who I go out with. The problem is with me. Your Uncle Charlie has major trust issues with women. And I think it might have something to do with my relationship with my mom.

Jake: I understand.

Charlie: Do you?

Jake: No, I’m just tired and I don’t care anymore.

Charlie: So, we’re cool?

Jake: Yeah.

Charlie: Good. [Kisses Jake on the forehead] Good night.

Jake: Good night.

Charlie makes his way toward the door.

Jake: Uncle Charlie?

Charlie: Yeah?

Jake: Does this mean you don’t have nuts like a fox?

Charlie: Yeah. That’s what it means.

Scene: Charlie is in the kitchen. Alan comes in through the deck door.

Rose (to Alan): Don’t look at my tiles, Alan. [To Charlie] Scrabble eyes, my sweet patootie. He’s a tile peeker.

Charlie: Rose, listen. I think I owe you an apology.

Rose: You mean for seducing me with your roguish charms and then dumping me like a bag of old doorknobs?

Charlie: That, and more recently I told Alan that you were being nice to him just to get close to me. And I’ve come to realize that’s my own paranoia about women trying to manipulate me. And I’m sorry that I projected that on you.

Rose: Oh, come here, you big silly. [She hugs Charlie] I forgive you.

Charlie: Really? Thank you.

Alan knocks on the door and shows Rose an egg timer.

Rose (to Alan): Okay. [To Charlie] I gotta go. Your brother is out of control with that egg timer.

Charlie: You think maybe I could play with you guys?

Rose: It’s fine with me. Go ask Mr. That’s-not-a-word.

Charlie: Thanks. And again, I’m sorry.

Rose: I’ll be right there.

Charlie leaves.

Rose (to herself): Phase one, complete.

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #111):

This is the official “I have nothing worth writing about” vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don’t be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when your schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I’m empty, I’ll simply say, “Run one eleven.” A check of the one hundred and ten cards I’ve already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn’t I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well… I’m just that kind of guy. But I’m older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Governor Schwarzenegger.

S01E08 - Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snootful

Scene: Jake’s classroom. The school is having a science fair. Jake is showing Charlie around.

Jake: This is where I sit.

Charlie: Right on. Good location. What else?

Jake: That’s the sink. If you put your thumb over the hole, you can squirt water all the way over to the other side of the room.

Charlie: Cool.

Jake: I’m not allowed to use the sink anymore.

Charlie: Got it. So, what’s the deal with your teacher?

Jake: Ms. Tuttle? She’s very strict.

Charlie: That could work.

Alan and Judith are on the other side of the room. He shows her a drawing.

Alan: Did you see this drawing our son made? It’s a cry for his parents to get back together.

Judith: Alan, it’s Davy Crockett at the Alamo.

Alan: I know. Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?

Judith: I can see you got your brother here.

Alan: Oh, yeah, he wasn’t thrilled about it, but he can’t say no to Jake. And I kind of implied that Ms. Tuttle was a bit of a freak.

Judith: Excuse me?

Alan: Hey, you wanted me to get him here. He’s here. The rest is up to you.

Charlie and Jake are talking in the back.

Charlie: So, come on, you gonna introduce me?

Jake: What for?

Charlie: Well, she’s your teacher. You’re my nephew. I feel like… Come on, just do it.

Jake: Don’t you want to see my model of a California mission? It’s made of sugar cubes.

Charlie: Okay. First your mission, then mine.

Judith speaks to the entire room.

Judith: May I have everyone’s attention? Hello. I’m Judith Harper, the class mom.

Alan starts a round of applause but no one joins him.

Judith: I just wanna thank you all for coming. This is a great turnout. Give yourselves a hand.

Judith starts a round of applause and everybody else joins her.

Charlie (quietly, to Ms. Tuttle): I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.

Ms. Tuttle: That’s very true.

Charlie: Well, I’d like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?

Judith (to the room): So, please feel free to put your name on the sign-up sheets if you’re available for carpools, coaching, field trips…

Charlie (to Ms. Tuttle): Charlie Harper. Jake’s uncle, mentor, pal.

Ms. Tuttle: Shh.

Judith (to the room): And finally, and this is a biggie, folks. It looks as if we’re gonna have to cancel our annual music show for our fourth graders.

Everyone in the room goes “aww.”

Judith: Unless someone with music experience volunteers to help us out. Anyone? Anyone at all? Charlie?

Charlie (distractedly): Yeah?

Judith: Thank you. Charlie Harper, everyone.

A round of applause.

Charlie (still clueless): What?

Opening sequence.

Scene: Charlie’s car. He is driving with Alan.

Alan: Go ahead, say it.

Charlie: You traitorous, rat bastard.

Alan: Good, good. You feel better?

Charlie: You set me up! You lured me into that classroom with promises of donuts and loose women.

Alan: I’m sorry. I honestly thought there’d be donuts.

Charlie: What about Ms. Tuttle? The “freak?” She’s a married Christian missionary!

Alan: Okay, that I just lied about. But it was for a good cause. The kids really need you.

Charlie: Yeah, but see, here’s the problem. I don’t like kids.

Alan: You like Jake.

Charlie: Jake’s different. He’s cool. He’s our kid. The rest of them, ugh.

Alan: What other kids do you know?

Charlie: I see them. Having tantrums in supermarkets, screaming in movie theaters, making everything sticky. And the whole world gives them a free ride just because they’re cute.

Alan: Okay, okay. Forget about the kids. Do this for me and Judith.

Charlie: Not really a big Judith fan, either.

Alan: Come on, come on. You’ll write the music and lyrics. Judith and I will produce and direct. Together.

Charlie: Hold on, hold on. So you roped me into this because you think that the three of us collaborating on a fourth-grade tribute to the Industrial Revolution will somehow lead to you getting back together with your allegedly gay ex-wife?

Alan: It’s easy to make anything sound stupid, Charlie. Look, we’re still legally married and, frankly, I don’t buy the whole gay thing. A gay woman would not fake orgasms for 12 years just to protect my feelings.

Charlie: Okay. Take off your seatbelt.

Alan: Why?

Charlie: Because when I slam on the brakes, I wanna watch you go through the windshield.

Alan: Don’t be silly. Do you know how fast you’d have to be going to… Hey, slow down!

Scene: the house. Charlie is at the piano, playing his Industrial Revolution tune to Judith and Alan.

Charlie: Manpower, horsepower, coal, and steam, moving forward the American dream. Electric, atomic, solar, too: all this energy for me and you.

Judith: Oh, gosh, I wanna like it.

Alan: Yeah, wanna like it.

Charlie: But?

Judith: But I just don’t think it’s your best work.

Charlie: It’s not. Fire me, please.

Judith: Do you remember that show that you and I did in college?

Alan: Oh, Stormy Weather? Sure.

Judith: Now, those songs had a point of view.

Alan: Yeah, yeah, and you couldn’t get them out of your head.

Alan and Judith (singing): Co-ed bathrooms, co-ed bathrooms, wear your flip-flops in the co-ed bathrooms. Stuff grows on the floor there. and… Whoops! There’s another pubic hair…

Alan: See? Maybe the easiest way to do this is for us to write the actual song.

Judith: Yeah. Then Charlie could just toss in the specific notes and stuff.

Alan: Yeah, yeah. Charlie, what do you think?

Charlie has left.

Alan: Okay, then I guess it’s just the two of us. 

Judith: Like the old days.

Alan: Yeah, except this time I’m not a virgin.

Scene: the den. Charlie and Jake are playing cards.

Jake: How come you’re not helping Mom and Dad with the show?

Charlie: Well, how can I put this? Your uncle Charlie is a professional musician, and your mom and dad…

Jake: Suck?

Charlie: Good a word as any.

Jake: Well, I think they’re gonna get back together.

Charlie: You do, huh?

Jake: Yep. Except, if my Dad moves back to Mom’s house, I probably wouldn’t see you anymore.

Charlie: Of course you’d see me. You’d still have your room here, and I’d come visit.

Jake: You never visited before.

Charlie: That’s ‘cause I didn’t know you before.

Jake: That’s ‘cause you never visited. Gin.

Charlie: To tell you the truth, Jake, I don’t think this is gonna be an issue.

Jake: You don’t think they’re gonna get back together?

Charlie: I didn’t say that.

Jake: Well, do you?

Charlie: Hey, what do I know?

Jake: Well, I think they are.

Charlie and Jake make walk toward the living room, where Judith and Alan are singing together.

Judith and Alan (singing): Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney, Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney… All aboard for Henry Ford, Henry Ford…

Charlie (to Jake): Careful what you wish for, pal.

Scene: the living room. Alan comes in through the front door.

Alan: Charlie, we’re gonna be late for rehearsal.

Alan goes into the kitchen and finds Charlie using the blender.

Alan: What are you doing?

Charlie: Making margaritas.

Alan: But we’ve got a rehearsal at Jake’s school.

Charlie: Don’t worry, I have a plan.

Charlie pours some margarita into a travel mug.

Alan: Oh, Charlie, you’re taking liquor to Jake’s school?

Charlie: You betcha. I’m not gonna face all those pre-pubers without a snootful. They’ll have limes in the teacher’s lounge, right?

Alan: No. There’s no limes, there’s no swizzle sticks, there’s… [Starts going through the mail he brought in] Oh, God.

Charlie: What?

Alan: It’s from Judith’s lawyers.

Charlie: Really? Good news?

Alan: No, it’s not good news. Judith filed for divorce.

Charlie: Oh, man. I’m sorry.

Alan: What am I gonna do?

Charlie: Well, there’s a lot of ways to respond to something like this. Anger, grief, denial.

Alan: What would you do?

Charlie: I’d probably blow off rehearsal and start chugging from the blender. But I wouldn’t recommend that for an amateur.

Scene: Jake’s school. Charlie and Alan are walking down the hall. Charlie is drinking his margarita.

Alan (angrily): I can’t believe she blind-sided me like this, being so nice and friendly to my face.

Meanwhile, her lawyers were working behind my face. Let me tell you something, Charlie. A woman who would do such a thing cannot be trusted.

Charlie: Yeah, well, maybe you can use this divorce as a chance to take a little break from each other.

Alan: Oh, no, that would be playing right into her hands.

Charlie: Alan, your kid’s confused enough about you and his mother. Don’t make it worse.

Alan: How could I possibly make it any worse?

Alan takes the margarita cup and takes a sip.

Charlie: Let’s find out.

They go into the classroom, where Judith is talking to the children.

Judith: Okay, everybody, what we’re gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.

Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it?

Judith: Excuse me?

Alan: Would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Judith (to Charlie): Watch the kids, we’ll be right back.

Judith and Alan leave Charlie with the kids and go out on the hallway. 

Charlie: Wait!

Charlie turns around and sees the children staring at him.

Charlie: Jake? Where’s Jake?

Three Jakes raise their hands.

“We’re getting there, we’re getting there!”

Scene: the classroom. The children are still staring at Charlie.

Charlie: Okay, everybody take five. That means sit down.

They sit down.

Charlie: Huh. Stand up.

They stand up.

Charlie: Hop up and down.

They hop up and down.

Charlie (satisfied): Right on.

Scene: the hallway. Alan and Judith are arguing.

Alan: But why file for divorce? We were getting along so well.

Judith: We’ve been getting along because I don’t feel trapped, suffocated, and depressed anymore.

Alan: Sure, kick me out, then work on improving yourself.

Scene: the classroom. Charlie is still conducting experiments on the class.

Charlie: Okay… Everybody flap your arms like a chicken.

They flap their arms and make chicken noises. Alan walks back in.

Charlie: Alan, check it out. I got this amazing power. [To the kids] Stop! [To Alan] Eh? It’s like having my own robot army.

Alan takes the margarita cup and leaves again.

Charlie: No, wait, where are you going?

Brianna: Are we gonna do our songs?

Charlie: Hey, I’m just the piano player. Lerner and Lowe are out in the hallway working things out.

Brianna: Who?

Charlie: Lerner and Lowe? My Fair Lady? Camelot? Aren’t there any gay kids here?

Jake approaches Charlie.

Jake: They’re fighting again, aren’t they?

Charlie (quietly): Yeah, what can I tell you, Jake. Your mom lawyered up and your dad is freaking out. Stay cool, I’ll try to get them back in here. [To all] Hey, everybody, Jake’s in charge, so whatever he says.

As Charlie makes his way out of the classroom, the kids start screaming.

Charlie (to Alan and Judith): Okay, it’s been fun, but I’m officially resigning as the Mayor of Booger Town.

Alan: Not now, Charlie. [To Judith] You know, I have tried—I have tried everything I can to make you happy.

Charlie: I don’t wanna rush you or anything, but have you ever read Lord of the Flies?

Alan: But you know what? You know what? I’m through. Maybe your lawyers can make you happy.

Judith: Your brother’s a horse’s ass.

Alan and Judith each go a different way.

Charlie: Hey, let’s not lose sight of who the real victim of this divorce is. Me!

Charlie goes back into the classroom and finds the children throwing paper balls around.

Charlie: Okay, uh… I think we should all calm down just a little.

Brianna: You’re not our teacher. Why should we listen to you?

Charlie: Okay, let me put it another way. [Yelling] Shut up and sit down!

They settle down.

Charlie: Thanks. Now, listen, rehearsal’s over. You can all go home.

Brianna: What about our play?

Charlie: Well, you know how they say, “the show must go on?” Well, they weren’t talking about this show.

Brianna: Your uncle’s so lame.

Jake: Is not. He’s cool.

Luis: Yeah, right.

Jake: He is. He’s almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song.

Brianna: Did not.

Jake and Charlie: Did, too!

Brianna: Prove it.

Charlie: You see that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops.

Ashley: That doesn’t prove anything.

Charlie: Fine. [Sits in front of the piano and starts playing] It’s got…

The children start singing along.

Children: …Oats and corns and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat, it’s maple-maple-maple-licious!

Charlie: Whoa. Everybody knows that?

Brianna: Of course, it’s the Maple Loops song!

Jake: Uncle Charlie, do Fudge Nuggets.

Children: Yeah! Fudge Nuggets! [Charlie starts playing] From the magic chocolate mountain, in a secret chocolate mine, come Granny’s big Fudge Nuggets with a taste that’s oh so fine…

The children cheer.

Charlie (to himself): What do you know. Maybe I don’t hate kids.

Scene: later the same day, Alan and Judith return to the school and hear Charlie playing another tune. 

Alan: Hi.

Judith: Hi. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up about the divorce papers.

Alan: I’m sorry if I overreacted.

Charlie (behind the closed door): Just the girls.

Judith: What’s going on in there?

Alan: I don’t know.

Alan and Judith open the door and find Charlie playing a jingle.

Children: Smell like a man, stick, pump, or can: with Dry Guy Deodorant only the girls get sweaty.

Charlie: We’re getting there, we’re getting there!

Judith: Okay, uh… Thank you, Charlie.

Alan: Yeah, we’ll take it from here, okay?

Charlie: Too late. You’re out.

Alan: What about the songs we wrote?

Charlie: Hey, kids, what do you think about the songs they wrote?

Children: They’re bad.

Charlie (to Alan): These are my people.

Alan: What do your jingles have to do with the Industrial Revolution?

Charlie: Look, you wanted a show, I’m giving you a show. Now, step back and let us work. [To the children] Plumber in a Jar. Let’s really sell it this time.

Children (singing): When your sink backs up, there’s just one star: it’s the one you trust, it’s Plumber in a Jar, Plumber in a Jar…

Scene: Charlie’s den. Jake finds Charlie reading. 

Jake: Hey, what you doing?

Charlie: I’m trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What’s up?

Jake: I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren’t getting back together again.

Charlie: Yeah. How you doing with that?

Jake: I’m not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.

Charlie: That’s cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks, though, right?

Jake: No, I’m okay.

Charlie: Jake, it’s okay to feel sad… I’ve been told. And this is a sad thing.

Jake: My dad’s not sad.

Charlie: Of course he is. He’s just trying to protect you.

Jake: From what?

Charlie: From being sad. Yeah, I know it’s a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.

Jake: What?

Charlie: It’s not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it’s okay. Understand?

Jake: Yeah.

They bump fists and Jake walks to the living room, where he finds Alan in front of the computer.

Alan: Hey, buddy.

Jake hugs Alan.

Jake: It’s okay, Dad.

Scene: Jake’s school. The children are all gathered in front of the parents to sing. Charlie is at the piano.

Jake: Before the Industrial Revolution, we lived in an agrarian society. Most people grew their own food and ate what they grew. Breakfast involved…

Brianna: Slaughtering animals…

Andrew: …And milking cows.

Jake: It would be hundreds of years before people could enjoy a pre-packaged and nutritious breakfast. And what’s in that breakfast?

Charlie: It’s got…

Children: …Oats and corns and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat, it’s maple-maple-maple-licious.

Jake: As urbanization led to stress and loneliness, industrial society looked to an ancient agrarian product for a delicious and refreshing solution.

Children: The girls look prettier with Hammerstein beer: you like what you see and you like what you hear! Have a cold frosty mug and pull her near! The girls look prettier, the girls look prettier, the girls look prettier with Hammerstein beer!

Judith (to Alan, quietly): We’re not letting him anywhere near the Christmas pageant.

Alan: Agreed.

Scene: the classroom, later. 

Jake: Even with the advent of indoor plumbing, the Industrial Revolution still had some bugs in the system.

Brianna: What was man to do?

Charlie: Three, four…

Children: If your home is bug-infested, filled with spiders, flies, and gnats, all our sprays are safety tested, we kill vermin, not your cat!

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #112):

When I was in the shower this morning, I thought: If we assume a Big Bang beginning of the universe, then every molecule, every atom, every proton, every electron, every quark, every wavelength, every vibration, every multi-dimensional string, every everything that makes up everything else shares an ineffable property of pre-Bang Oneness. Assuming that, then every everything is always moving in one of two directions: either away from that primordial state, or returning towards it. We feel these quantum movements. Moving away is experienced as loneliness, fear, anger and despair. Returning is experienced as one or more of the infinite variations and gradations of what we call love. Now, while some might say that equating the miracle of human feelings to the meandering of sub-atomic bric-a-brac robs them of their mystery, the truth is quite the opposite. Connecting our fundamental experience of life to the great mystery of existence ties us to the eternal within our every waking moment. We are not separate. We are made of the same stuff that existed at the beginning and will exist at the end. Therefore, the question we must each ask ourselves is simple: “In what direction am I moving today—towards oneness, or away from it?” When I was done reflecting on this, I stepped out of the shower, toweled off, and, while glancing at the mirror, pondered a new thought: “I have a pretty nice ass for a guy my age.”

S01E07 - If They Do Go Either Way, They’re Usually Fake

Scene: the kitchen. Jake is eating breakfast. An attractive young woman (Kristin Dattilo, credited as Cindy) is standing by the sink, wearing nothing but a male t-shirt.

Jake: I have my own room at Mom’s house, too. My dad doesn’t. His stuff’s in the garage. Do you know how to play Vampire Hunter? ‘Cause I just got it.

Cindy: No, sorry.

Jake: You gotta chop off their heads, otherwise they’ll keep coming at you.

Cindy: Do you know where your uncle keeps the paper towels?

Jake: I think there’s some up there.

As she opens a cupboard and reaches for the paper towel on one of the upper shelves, revealing her sexy red underwear, Jake watches in amazement. She has a butterfly tattoo on her right butt.

Jake: Whoa.

Alan walks in from the living room.

Alan: Whoa.

Cindy finds the toilet paper and closes the cupboard.

Cindy: Hi! You must be Alan. I’m Cindy.

Alan: Hi. [To Jake] Hey, Jake, it’s time to get dressed.

Jake: Wait a minute. [To Cindy] Can you get me a bowl from that top shelf?

Alan: Come on, let’s go. 

Alan ushers him out of the kitchen and into the living room. Charlie is coming down the stairs.

Jake: What happened to “breakfast is the most important meal of the day?”

Alan: Just go get dressed.

Jake runs to his room.

Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.

Charlie: Which half?

They walk back into the kitchen.

Charlie: Hey, Cindy.

Cindy: Hey, Charlie. How you doing?

Charlie: Not bad. How about yourself?

Cindy: Pretty good. Thanks again. I’ll see you soon.

Charlie: Anytime.

Cindy: Bye.

Cindy leaves.

Alan: “How you doing?” “Thanks again?” Charlie, casual sex is one thing, but this is just lazy.

Charlie: What are you talking about? I didn’t have sex with her. She just surfs out on the Point, uses my shower, and goes to work.

Alan: So you’re not sleeping with her?

Charlie: Jeez, Alan, I don’t sleep with every buff surfer chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am?

Alan: I think you’re the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth, but that’s not my point. I don’t want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son.

Charlie: Cindy has a tattoo?

Alan: Yes, a butterfly.

Charlie: Huh. Right cheek or left? Wait, don’t tell me. I wanna be surprised.

Alan: So you’re not sleeping with her, but you want to.

Charlie: Well, yeah. What kind of guy do you think I am?

Charlie leaves the kitchen and Alan follows him into the living room.

Alan: Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake, and you said, “I understand.”

Charlie: Alan, there’s something you should know about me. When I say I understand, it doesn’t mean I agree. It doesn’t mean I understand. It doesn’t even mean I’m listening.

Alan: Then why do you say it?

Charlie: It seems to make people happy, and that’s what I’m all about.

Alan: Well, that’s very altruistic, but I would prefer if you’d just be straight with me.

Charlie: Fine.

Alan: All I’m asking is that you keep in mind that we have an impressionable 10-year-old boy living here.

Charlie: I understand.

Alan: Thank you.

Opening sequence.

Scene: the living room. Charlie is playing the piano. Cindy walks into the room from one of the bedrooms.

Cindy: That sounds nice!

Charlie: Thanks.

Cindy: So where are Jake and Alan today?

Charlie: Jake’s at school and Alan’s at work. It’s just you and me.

Cindy: Well, tell them I said “hi”. Thanks again for the shower.

Charlie: You bet. You look really nice.

Charlie can barely finish the sentence as Cindy is showing herself out.

Cindy: Thank you. Bye.

Charlie: Yeah, I got work to do.

Rose appears out on the deck.

Rose: Oh, Charlie, seeing you strike out like that just makes me love you more.

Charlie opens the door for Rose.

Charlie: Rose, you’ve gotta get a hobby.

Rose: Oh, I’ve got a hobby.

Charlie: I thought we agreed we were just friends.

Rose: We are. We’re friends who slept together once and then one friend never called the other friend but, luckily, the other friend forgave him.

Rose starts making her way to the kitchen.

Charlie: Where are you going?

Rose: To make my friend a grilled cheese sandwich.

Charlie: Rose, Rose, I don’t want a grilled cheese sandwich.

Rose: Would you prefer a quesadilla?

Charlie: That sounds nice.

As Rose goes into the kitchen, the doorbell rings.

Charlie: But then you have to leave.

Charlie opens the door to Judith.

Charlie: Hey, Judith. Alan’s at work.

Judith: I know where Alan is. I came to talk to you.

Charlie: Me? But you don’t like me.

Judith: I don’t.

Judith enters and Charlie closes the door.

Charlie: I like you.

Judith: Jake’s fourth-grade class was given a simple assignment: draw something interesting you see around the house. One child drew a record player, another drew a parrot. My son drew this: a woman’s behind with a butterfly tattoo.

Judith shows Charlie the drawing.

Charlie: On the right cheek. I’ll have to just act surprised.

Judith: I asked him where he saw this. He said, “In Uncle Charlie’s kitchen.”

Charlie: Well, yyou gotta admit, it beats the hell out of a parrot.

Judith: Charlie, I am not in the mood…

The phone rings.

Charlie: Hold that thought.

Rose comes out of the kitchen.

Charlie: I got it.

Rose (on the phone): Hello. [To Charlie] Are you in for your mother?

Charlie (hesitating): Uh…

Rose (on the phone): Charlie’s in a meeting right now. But you can talk to me. Heck, I feel like we’re practically related.

Rose goes back to the kitchen.

Judith: Is that the girl in the picture?

Charlie: Rose? No, she doesn’t have a tattoo on her butt… I’m guessing.

Judith: Look, I don’t care what you do in your private time, but when my son is here, I expect you to clean up your act.

Charlie: I understand.

Judith: I don’t like coming over here and being the bad guy, but I have to protect my son.

Charlie: I understand.

Judith (voice breaking): It’s hard enough going through this transition all by myself. Alan at least has you, I have no one except my parents, and they’re completely toxic.

Charlie: I understand.

Judith: Do you?

Charlie: I think I do.

Judith: Thank you. That means a lot to me. I mean, I’ve always been the good daughter or the good wife. And you know what? Outside of those relationships, I don’t know who I am. Am I gay, am I straight? Who the hell knows? I’m scared about this, Charlie, and I’m totally alone. 

Judith weeps.

Charlie: Well… You know what? I understand.  

Judith: Thank you for listening.

Charlie: Hey…

Judith: I’m so sorry to take up your time with all of this.

Charlie: Hey… I understand.

Judith: Thank you, Charlie.

Charlie: You’re welcome.

Judith leaves.

Charlie: There’s five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Rose comes from the kitchen with a plate of quesadillas.

Rose: Don’t fill up. Your mom’s taking us out for lunch.

Scene: the kitchen. Charlie comes in through the kitchen door.

Alan: Hey. Where have you been?

Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other’s plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Alan: You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew? 

Charlie: What’s to talk about? He’s a boy. He saw a woman’s ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the cable guy’s ass, and move on.

Jake walks in with a stack of magazines.

Jake: Hey, Dad. Where’s “Cankun?”

Alan: “Cancún?”

Jake: No, it’s spelled “Cankun.”

Alan: It’s in Mexico. Why?

Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty’s.

Alan: What are you reading?

Jake: Sports Illustrated. But it’s mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Jake starts making his way out.

Alan: Jake, Jake! Come back here. [To Charlie] Are you happy?

Charlie: I have my moments, but they’re becoming further apart.

Alan: Jake, sit down.

Jake: Am I in trouble?

Alan: No, no. It’s perfectly natural for you to be interested in women’s bodies.

Jake: Great. I’ll be in my room.

Alan: Wait, wait, wait. Let’s talk a minute here. I don’t mind you looking at these pictures, but it’s important that you know what they mean.

Charlie: Ooh, I’d like to know that, too, Alan.

Alan: Okay. First of all, real women don’t look like this. These pictures have been retouched and airbrushed so that the women look like they’re perfect, but they’re really not.

Charlie: Excuse me, but I met that one [points at the magazine], and she was perfect.

Alan: What I’m trying to explain to Jake is that this is not what regular women look like.

Jake: Then why don’t they use regular women?

Charlie: Because the only way regular women can sell magazines is door-to-door.

Alan: My point is that these women are three-dimensional human beings. They’re not just sex objects.

Charlie: Which explains why this one’s on all fours in the surf.

Alan: Are you quite done?

Charlie: No. I think you’re being very unfair. These women worked very hard, ate very little, and spent a lot of money to become sex objects. Those breasts alone cost $10,000.

Jake: You can buy these?!

Alan: Thank you, Charlie. [To Jake] Some women choose to make their breasts larger with what’s called surgical implants.

Jake: Why?

Alan: Oh, well, they think bigger is better.

Jake: I can see that.

Alan takes the magazines from Jake.

Alan: What really matters, Jake, is what’s inside a person. See, that’s the lesson here. Do you get what I’m saying?

Jake: I think so.

Alan: You sure? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean… Do you have any questions?

Jake: Just one.

Alan: Fire away.

Jake: Can I have my magazine back?

Jake takes the stack back to his room.

Charlie: Congratulations, Alan. You’ve managed to take the fun out of boobs.

The phone rings. 

Alan: Hello. Oh, hi, Judith. Yeah, I’m so glad you called. I just… What? [To Charlie] She wants to talk to you. Why does my wife wanna talk to you?

Charlie: I don’t know. [On the phone] Hey, Judith. What’s up? Uh-huh. I understand.

Alan: What do you understand?

Charlie: Not a thing. [On the phone] I understand.

Alan: What’s she saying?

Charlie: Hang on, Judith. That’s my other line. [To Alan] She’s upset because her parents wanna take Jake to SeaWorld, and she feels like this is crossing a boundary, since they’ve been so unsupportive recently, and she’s not sure if her anger is misplaced.

Alan: Since when are you her new best friend?

Charlie: I don’t know. Something’s gone horribly wrong! [On the phone] Sorry, uh, you were saying? I understand. 

“So, when’s Charlie waking up?”

Scene: the living room. Charlie and Cindy are having wine. She is autographing Jake’s drawing of her tattoo.

Cindy: “You’re the coolest. Love, Cindy?” Are you sure your nephew’s gonna like this?

Charlie: Who says it’s for my nephew?

Cindy: You’re really cute.

Charlie: Good. I’m sorry there’s no waves.

Cindy: Yeah, I don’t know how I’m gonna get my exercise today.

Charlie: It’s a puzzler.

The doorbell rings.

Charlie: Why don’t you open up another bottle of wine and we’ll figure something out.

Cindy: Okay.

Charlie opens the door to Judith.

Judith (agitated): I’m sorry to just drop by, but I had to talk to somebody. [Charlie can’t stop her from coming in] I just left Jake with my parents so they could take him to San Diego, and I got in this terrible argument with my father. He thinks it’s my fault that Alan and I are breaking up, and he knows exactly how to push my buttons. The question is, why do I need his approval? Why do I need approval from any man?

Charlie: Uh… I understand.

Cindy: Charlie, how could you possibly understand?

Judith: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had company.

Cindy: No, we were just hanging out. I’m Cindy.

Judith: Oh, hi. Judith.

Cindy: Hi. You know, I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to win my father’s approval.

Judith: Oh, you, too, huh?

Cindy: Yeah, I almost married a guy just ‘cause my father liked him.

Judith: I married a guy just like my father.

Cindy: Oh, disaster, right? 

Judith: Hmm. It’s his brother.

Cindy: Oh, I met him. He’s pretty tightly wound.

Judith: He is.

Cindy: Yeah. Do you want some wine?

Judith: I want a lot of wine.

Cindy: Yeah.

Cindy takes Charlie’s glass from his hands and goes out on the deck with Judith.

Cindy: You know, it’s so funny about relationships and men. You just wonder all the time.

Judith: Always.

Charlie: I do not understand.

Scene: the next morning, on the deck. As Alan steps out, Rose climbs in.

Rose: Morning, neighbor.

Alan: Charlie’s not up yet, Rose.

Rose: Oh, Alan, don’t you think I know that? I brought a Frisbee for your son. It’s a Glow-in-the-Dark Pro model.

Alan: There are teeth marks in it.

Rose: They’re not mine.

Alan: Actually, Jake’s in San Diego with his mom’s parents.

Rose: Boy, that hardly seems fair. Evelyn never gets any quality time with him.

Alan: Evelyn?

Rose: Your mom.

Alan: I know her name.

Rose: But do you know how much she loves you and would appreciate a call once in a while?

Cindy comes up from the beach with her surfboard.

Cindy: Hi, Alan. Shower open?

Alan: Yeah. Help yourself.

Judith appears with a surfboard, too.

Judith: Hi, Alan.

Alan: Judith? What are you doing here?

Judith: Cindy’s teaching me to surf. She says I’m a natural.

Cindy: ‘Cause she’s got the upper body strength for it.

Judith: Nothing like yours.

Cindy: You will. You just gotta build up your lats.

Judith feels Cindy’s lats.

Judith: Wow, they’re so firm!

Cindy: Come on, I’ll show you some exercises before we hit the shower.

Cindy takes Judith by the hand and they leave.

Rose: So, when’s Charlie getting up?

Alan: In about nine seconds.

Scene: Charlie’s bedroom. Alan is shaking him violently.

Alan: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Charlie: What? I was having a great dream.

Alan: Your girlfriend and my wife. Surfing. Showering. Rubber suits.

Charlie: Okay. This might be better.

Alan: Charlie, Charlie, you gotta do something.

Charlie: You’re right.

Charlie goes into the bathroom and closes the door.

Alan: Charlie, what are you gonna do?

Charlie: What do you think? I just woke up.

Alan: Come on, come on! They could be lathering each other up right now!

Charlie: Alan, you’re not helping this go any faster.

Alan: I can’t believe this is going on under my own roof. Well, under your roof. God knows what’s going on under my roof.

Charlie: You know, there is good news here.

Charlie comes back into the room.

Alan: Oh, really? What’s that?

Charlie: Now we know why I never got anywhere with Cindy.

Alan: Hello? Me?

Charlie: Okay, listen. What do we really know here? Your wife has taken up surfing. We’re good so far, right?

Alan: Uh-huh.

Charlie: She made a new friend. Still good?

Alan: Yeah, I guess.

Charlie: Do we know for a fact that they’re showering together?

Alan: No.

Charlie: Okay. So what do we know for sure about Cindy and Judith?

Alan: Cindy’s not interested in you, and Judith thinks she’s gay.

Charlie: Huh. Well, there you go.

Scene: the kitchen. Jake, Alan, and Charlie are eating dinner.

Jake: And I got to see penguins and a manta ray. And I got to pet a shark. And the coolest thing was the whales. They splashed everybody. You could see right through this one lady’s shirt. And I think maybe she had “plants.”

Charlie: Implants.

Jake: Yeah. Implants. I asked Grandma if she had them, and Grandpa said, “I wish.” And then she got mad at him and then they bought me ice cream.

Alan: So you had a good trip?

Alan gets up and opens the refrigerator.

Jake: Yeah. When I got home, I went to the movies with Mom and Cindy.

Alan is startled and bangs his head on the refrigerator.

Alan: Wait, wait—you, Mom and Cindy?

Charlie: There you go.

Jake: She’s gonna teach me to surf.

Alan: Of course she is. She’s not gonna be happy until the whole damn family surfs. Why don’t we give her Aunt Betty’s number? Squeeze that fat ass into a wetsuit.

Charlie: Here, Jake. Take your pizza and go watch TV in your room.

Jake: Dad said “fat ass.”

Charlie: You’ve seen Aunt Betty. It’s not swearing if it’s true. Now go.

Jake leaves.

Alan: She gets all bent out of shape when Cindy is prancing around here with her butterfly butt sticking out. But all of a sudden it’s okay, ‘cause the butt is on the other foot.

Charlie: Alan, chill out, buddy.

Alan: No, no! This is the worst kind of hypocrisy and it will not stand.

Charlie: Forgive me, Alan, but that self-righteous attitude is a big part of what drove Judith away in the first place.

Alan: What? What—where did you get—wh—did she tell you that?

Charlie: Hey, girlfriends tell each other everything. Don’t look at me like that. Listen, if she really is gay, then there’s nothing you can do about it, except maybe try and figure out why a lesbian married you in the first place. But if she’s just experimenting and you act all loving and supportive, then maybe, maybe she comes back to the home team.

Alan: Huh. Or maybe I could find it in my heart to actually be loving and supportive.

Charlie: Well, sure, if you wanna reinvent the wheel.

Scene: the living room. Alan opens the door to Judith.

Alan: Hey. You know, I would’ve been more than happy to drive Jake to your house.

Judith: Oh, no problem. This worked out great. I’ve been surfing all day with Cindy and we just had a bite to eat.

Alan: Isn’t that nice. Uh, listen, are you in a hurry? Because there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.

Judith: No, I guess not. What’s up?

Alan: I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay with this. More than okay. I understand, love and respect you for your courage to explore things.

Judith: Thank you. I’m really starting to enjoy it.

Alan: And I support that.

Judith: Yeah, I’ve only done it on my knees so far, but Cindy says I’m almost ready to try it standing up.

Alan: You know what? I don’t need to hear the details. The more important thing is that I accept you and Cindy as lovers. And more power to you, sister.

Judith: You pompous, assuming bastard.

Alan: Uh-oh.

Judith: You think I’m sleeping with her?

Alan: No, no…

Judith: I just got out of a 12-year marriage and you think I would jump into bed with someone I just met? Man or woman?

Alan: No, no!

Judith: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Alan: I am, I am!

Judith: Two women become friends, and you jump to the conclusion they’re having sex! Where do you get that kind of sleazy thinking?

Alan points at Charlie, who is out on the deck with Jake, training his recognition of breast implants.

Charlie: The jogger. The one on the left.

Jake: Real?

Charlie: Good eye. With the sports bra, that could have gone either way. Of course, if they do go either way, they’re usually fake.

Judith opens the door.

Judith: Jake, honey, get your stuff, we’re going home.

Jake: Okay. See you, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: See you, buddy. 

Jake runs back in.

Charlie: Hey, girlfriend.

Judith: Don’t “girlfriend” me, you shallow piece of crap.

Charlie: Uh-oh.

Scene: a movie theater. Judith, Jake, and Cindy are watching a movie. Jake is trying to hone his implant-recognition skills.

Jake: Fake. Real.

Judith: Jake.

Jake: Who does she think she’s kidding with those things?

Judith: Jake, I swear, if you don’t stop it, I’m taking you home.

Jake: I understand.

Credits.

***

Vanity card (Chuck Lorre Productions, #111):

This is the official “I have nothing worth writing about” vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don’t be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when your schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I’m empty, I’ll simply say, “Run one eleven.” A check of the one hundred and ten cards I’ve already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn’t I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well… I’m just that kind of guy. But I’m older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. Governor Schwarzenegger.